The Hank Baskett All Stars

I have been tinkering with this idea for some time, but in the end I decided it was time to unveil it to the world. Ladies and gentleman I give you the Hank Baskett All Stars:

What is this you may ask? It is a criterium, a basis, a filing system for an inexplicable and unavoidable truth of today's society. Professional athletes who are varying degrees of bad at what they allegedly do for a living are marrying/dating people they should have no business marrying, or so every bitter blogger or male blog reader thinks or should think. Just like a previous, admittedly shallow and unnecessary post regarding women wearing large sunglasses (http://lessrock-moretalk.blogspot.com/2009/07/inconvenient-truth.html), we are breaking this bad boy category style, this time with a little terror alert twist.

Code Green: The Kris Humphries

This category contains an instance where you would typically do a double take when you saw the first picture of the couple together, but quickly rationalize it in your brain to the point where you could accept it and move on with your day, no problems.

So- Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies- Sure, there is some personal bitterness towards Humphries leaving the U early to go pro, the fact that he played at Hopkins, and still plays the game like it's one on five. (Seriously, look at this man's assist per game stats throughout his career, go ahead, that second google tab is really tempting you isn't it? I mean I bet they are really really bad, truly embodying his selfishness! I'd be such a shame to not investigate this properly!!..Ok I'll stop)

But he does currently log significant minutes for the Nets, or Nyets as is fun to call them after being bought by a Russian billionaire, was a stud swimmer (second to only some guy named Michael Phelps growing up) and I'm no expert but he seems like a decent looking dude. Couple that with Kim dating around, yeah I get it. Code Green.

Code Blue: The Jeff Garcia

What do you do when you are running sportscenter and it's a really slow newsday? You run a special on Jeff Garcia's life that has no point whatsoever. I didn't find him particularly charming or endearing, nor was the segment engaging. What I saw was a long time floundering CFL/backup QB golfing and doing other pointless stuff with his hot wife. I name the Code Blue zone is his honor just because of how pissed of I get to the this day thinking about how I wasted 5 minutes of my life watching that. Jeff Garcia- You balding annoying irrelevant quarterback, here's to you and your wife Carmella, which, incidently is a top 5 ridiculous name just below Carmelo's bride, Lala.

Code Yellow: The Matt Treanor.

Things are starting to heat up here to the point where I, a sports junkie, had no idea this dude was married to Misty May-Treanor until last year's baseball playoffs despite the fact that she slapped his name onto hers. I just never made the connection between floundering one time Marlins, for fish emphasis, backup catcher (I'm sensing a theme here) and the beach volleyball star.

Code yellow isn't a place for hate. Code yellow is a place where under the strict Hank Baskett All-star/terror alert guidelines, we place people who have the ability to have us hear their name repeadedly associated with their bride and still forget who they are. The fact that they are so incredibly mediocre and plain is what makes them so dangerous. For all I know Matt Treanor could have been my neighboor all my life, or right behind me as we speak. I'm not going to turn around so we may never know for sure. What we do know is that Matt Treanor is a colorless emotionless blob of organic matter and I am on to you sir!

Code Orange: The Casey Daigle

I don't really follow softball, but allegedly incredible pitcher Jenny Finch could have her pick of many a man, and chooses... Casey Daigle. That's right. The Casey Daigle. I...I'm going to save some strength for the inevitably draining Code Red rant that lies ahead but... Casey Daigle? This couple had a kid and named it Ace. Ace Daigle. I really don't know what to do with that. This relationship feels more made up than any of the fat guy with attractive wife sitcoms that have become pervasive post "King of Queens." I'll even include the "Still Standing" couple in that, reluctantly. Oh how I pity Ace Daigle.

Code Red: The Hank Baskett

Let me preface this by saying I don't know Hank Baskett at all. I really haven't heard him speak, but I don't like Hank Baskett. He is a very tall wide reciever that God made in a way so that he should be very good at being a professional wide receiver. He is not. His hands have been described as "Charlie Sheen accidently stumbling onto 10 ounces of cocaine" hard. Remember that brilliant onside kick the Saints executed 2 super bowls ago? Who do you think made that all possible by muffing it. You guessed it! Hank Baskett. Hank Baskett even has a stupid and even ironic name seeing as you cannot serve as a basket if you can't keep projectiles from falling to the earth.

Enter Kendra, the lovable playboy playmate who may or may not be able to look at leather as it still brings back traumatic Hugh Heffner memories... Was she just scarred enough to consider marrying perenneal loser and atrocious Viking (leading to much of this irrational anger) Hank Baskett? Only god truly knows.

How Hank Baskett's child wasn't dropped while in his "steady hands" I'll never know.