Sarv v Tor: A Clash of Two Gambling Problem Titans

Sarv and I thought it would be fun to email over/under picks from every team to each other and, if gambling were legal, place a friendly wager on each discrenpancy. We decided on getting the over/unders off of Sportsbook. All things told we agreed on 20, and disagreed on 10. I thought it'd be fun to have a guest blogger and let him and I say what we picked and why we picked it for a little mid season review. And next year, maybe for my sake we'll leave the NFC North out of it! Enjoy.




P.S. I think we will go in alphabetical order, because it's my blog and I'm lazy to come up with a creative way of doing it.


P.P.S. When it says "Tor and Sarv" It means we agreed, but I wrote it so don't hold Sarvey accountable for the filth that follows.

ARIZONA CARDINALS 7 Wins: Over-110/Under-110


Current Record: 2-6

(Quick note for gambling novices, -110 is the classic "juice" meaning if one were to actually place a bet at a casino you would be betting 110 dollars to win 100. Conversely if you see something like +150, it means for every 100 dollars you wager you win 150.)

Tor + Sarv: Under. I don't trust Kevin Kolb, and their secondary is shit. Having said that, they do play in the NFC West so I wasn't uber confident in this pick. Regardless, I took the under, Larry Fitz can't throw the rock to himself...yet.

ATLANTA FALCONS 10 Wins Over -110/Under-110

Current Record: 5-3

Tor and Sarv- Over. This team is one of the biggest enigmas. They haven't impressed me in any game yet. I believed in the Matt Ryan to Roddy White/Julio Jones/Grandpa Tony Gonzalez combo. I believed in Michael Turner. Time will tell.

BALTIMORE RAVENS 10.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 5-2

Tor- Under. Michael Oher doesn't actually have Sandra Bullock around to inspire him, and he doesn't even protect the blind side anymore. Oh, and Ray Lewis is running for AARP treasurer.

Sarv- Over. With the division they play in winning 6 out of their last 8 will be tough but if Flacco can move the ball down the field, limit his turnovers, and Terrell Suggs continues to “sizzle” they have a shot.
BUFFALO BILLS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record 5-3

Tor- Under. Um... mulligan??

Sarv- Over: Is it just me or do the Bills remind anyone else of the team from the movie The Replacements? A bunch of nobodies a year ago (started 0-8 last year) lead by a down-to-earth white QB that start playing well together. Gene Hackman even looks a little bit like Chan Gailey. Great movie. Anyway..

CAROLINA PANTHERS 4.5 Wins Over-125/Under +105
Current Record: 2-6

Tor- Over. Because I thought Cam Newton would be frisky. (Vince Young 8.0??) Because their defense could be adequate. Because I was hoping for a comeback year from Steve Smith (looking that way). I'm diggin' this pick. I don't care what that sneaky sonofagun Sarvey says dammit!

Sarv: Yeah Cam Newton’s been playing well but they’re only 2-6 on the season and 5 out of their last 8 are on the road. Oh yeah, and 7 out of their last 8 are against teams with winning records. Lock it up.

CHICAGO BEARS 8.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150
Current Record: 4-3

Tor and Sarv- Under. This was one of the most fashionable unders out there. The Bears overachieved by ever sabermetric angle last year, and Jay Cutler... I mean, is there anything more awesome then having some coin on Jay Cutler failing? Cmon, seriously. It's...it's just the tops.

CINCINNATI BENGALS: 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 6-2

Tor: Over. I must admit, I told Sarvey this is the one I was least confident in of the ones we disagreed on. But who cares? Andy Dalton aka the Red Rocket is a stud! And they no longer have the record for most arrests in the last 10 years, Chris Cook helped the Vikings take that title! Skollll Vikings at least we are winners at something.

Sarvey: Under-The Bengals are 6-2!? Really!? Did not expect a team lead by two rookies to start out this well, especially with a shortened off-season. And didn’t Carson Palmer have essentially the same team last year and they went 4-12? The Raiders must’ve missed that red flag... oh and this one.

CLEVELAND BROWNS 6.5 wins Over+130/Under -150

Current Record: 3-5

Tor and Sarv- Over: I know Colt McCoy sounds like a cowboy from a childrens show contrived by an LSD ridden paranoid schizophrenic, but I believed in him. That is all.

DALLAS COWBOYS 9 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv- Over. I like Tony Romo. No homo. Also, I still think they are supremely talented, and all that jazz. Plus Wade Phillips is gone. He looked more confused last season that 70% of America at the end of LOST, thus I thought Jason Garrett would be worth 2 extra wins alone


DENVER BRONCOS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 3-5

Tor and Sarv: Over. Elvis Dumervil back is/was huge. Kyle Orton is underrated. I'm still not sold they can't get to 6 wins. But now having to root for Tebow makes me a sad Panda...

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=south+park+sad+panda&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&qscrl=1&nord=1&rlz=1T4ADFA_enUS439US439&biw=1093&bih=446&tbm=isch&tbnid=JHgahXcEzRqF4M:&imgrefurl=http://kreidball.tumblr.com/post/3935200854&docid=JZNiZbYY324vgM&imgurl=http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li8nkur92T1qc3jfro1_400.jpg&w=300&h=265&ei=cUG3TvjzBeTa0QGfkP2vBA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=87&vpy=96&dur=1138&hovh=211&hovw=239&tx=131&ty=125&sig=103537226557824943095&page=1&tbnh=120&tbnw=136&start=0&ndsp=12&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:0

DETROIT LIONS 8 Wins Over +130/Under -150

Current Record: 6-2

Tor: Under. I didn't think Stafford or Best could stay healthy. Their secondary is still... a little suspect! But hey, kudos to the Lions. Side note, which was a bigger fuck you to their fan bases, Matt Mcmillan doing play by play, or Tim Brewster being a sideline reporter? It's like FOX is trying to induce homicidal rage.


Sarv: Over. Things I know about the Lions:

1) Calvin Johnson and Ndamaka Suh are good at football.
2) If Stafford stays healthy they will be in the hunt for the post-season.
3) http://www.totalpackers.com/2010/06/25/matthew-staffords-broad-is-still-hot/

GREEN BAY PACKERS 11.5 Wins Over+105/Under-120

Current Record: (Unable to disclose)

Tor and Sarv: Under. It's hard to want to root for the packers, and 12 wins is a lot of wins to get. All it takes is one awkward landing of Aaron Rodgers knee and you've won the bet. Having said that, if I were to actually pick 5 of these to bet on at the start of the season, these high end ones, (Packers and Pats) and low end ones (Panthers/Bills etc) feel too volatile to me to actually know how the heck to bet them.

HOUSTON TEXANS 8.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 9.5 Wins Over-140/Under+120

Records: 6-3 and 0-9 Respectively

Tor and Sarv: Texans Over/Colts Under I'm tackling these two in one fell swoop. I heard stories from ESPN insiders like "Peyton Manning can't turn his neck even a little bit" a month before the season started. and that "Peyton may or may not be flying to Germany to get stem cell treatment." Even though just rumors it made me wayyyy out on the Colts, and looking at the rest of the division, in on the Texans by default. The Manning to Painter drop off is just too dramatic. And for goodness sake somebody tell Curtis Painter they aren't casting for Remember the Titans 2, so drop the stupid Sunshine act...

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 6.5 Games Over Even/Under -120

Current Record: 2-6
Tor and Sarv: Under. This was before they cut David Garrard, but even with him, no real wide recievers in a pass happy league, incredibly average defense at best, don't see how they would have/will get to 7 wins, felt like a very poor man's Vikings to me.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 8 Wins Over +135/Under-155
Current Record: 4-4

Tor Under. Matt Cassel isn't even that good when completely healthy. I know Adam can give up a rib for eve and be just fine, but I Arrowhead ain't no Eden! But seriously, they have no depth, and we can see that as the injuries have decimated this team.

Sarv: Over. Surprisingly, even without Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs find themselves tied for first place in the West with 4 wins. Not surprisingly, all Dwayne Bowe fantasy team names are still annoying and dumb.

MIAMI DOLPHINS 7.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 1-7

Tor and Sarv: Under. This was my "lock" of the year pick, or whatever gag they use on ESPN currently to display confidence in picks. They decided it'd be a good idea to overpay for Reggie Bush, prompting Saints fans everywhere to laugh uncontrollably. I think their biggest issue, besides Brandon Marshall bipolar jokes, are this team is simply put Jason Bourne. No identity. They are mediocre across the board, and this league you have to do at least one thing well. This team made no sense on paper, and makes no sense in real life.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 2-6

Tor: Over I stand by this pick. The Vikings could very very easily been 3-2 through 5 games, in fact every team that put up their first half numbers in the first three games of the year were 3-0, so 0-3 was simply a statistical anomaly. Or so I tell myself when I cry myself to sleep every Sunday night.

Sarvey: Under. Wait, Spielman paid $7.25 million for a QB to play 6 games that got benched in favor of Rex Grossman last year!?

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 11.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 5-3

Tor: Over, Bill Belicheat is the best at misinterpreting ze rules! He misinterprets ze rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnqQhUdXgvI

Oh and Tom Brady.

Sarv: Under: The Patriots need to win 7 out of 8 to get to 12 wins. In other news, Tedi Bruschi theme songs are chill: http://cwyattle.tumblr.com/

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 10 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 6-3

Tor and Sarv: Over. Just because the city's dried off doesn't mean I think their team will cool down. Sean Payton is one of the most underrated coaches out there, and they have an alive Drew Brees on their team, which has been known to help. So...yeah.

NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 9.5 Wins Over +150/Under-170

Current Record: 6-2

Tor and Sarv: Under. When you are staring a -170 in the face, its hard to not see the writing on the wall. This was when they had approximately 1 healthy cornerback, and I'm pretty sure it was Jason Sehorn in black face. When do we see another great white cornerback? When do we even see another white cornerback? Mad props to Jason Sehorn.

NEW YORK JETS 10 Wins. Over +105/Under-125

Current Record: 5-3

Tor and Sarv: Over. I believed in the Rex Ryan. I thought the Sanchize would progress. I believe in the mystical land known as Revis Island.

THE OAKLAND FLYING AL DAVIS CORPSE RAIDERS 7 Wins. Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Under. I don't know what the title above means either. I...I mean they seem so dysfunctional, how can you pick the over. New head coach, same dead owner, the only difference is now he's really dead. (editors note: I wrote the following rant, and the next day Bill Simmons made the same point on his podcast, I have officially synced up brains with him in a horribly creepy way where I know where he is going before he is. Cue up Sting singing "I'll be missing you") I hate this Michael Jackson type death, where everyone is just BASHING this cat non. stop. for the last 10 years of their lives, yet when they die everyone praises them to no end like they are Mother Teresa. I know its fashionable to compliment the dead, but just don't bash them so profusely when they are alive then. Thats it. The end. Whew.


Philadelphia Eagles 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110

Current Record: 3-4


Tor: Over. Remember that Tony Danza movie, "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon?" That was pretty cool.


Sarv: Under.
Will all the hype surrounding the Eagles before the season started I think the players thought they were better than they actually were. Not to mention that the Eagles against the run are about as effective as Michael Cuddyer’s ability to hit a right-handers curveball.

Awful Twins metaphors aside, it’s been a disappointing season so far for “the dream team.” Andy Reid can hardly show his face.

Pittsburgh Steelers 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110

Current Record: 5-2

Tor and Sarv: Over. I like Mike Tomlin. I like Big Ben (As a quarterback ladies...) And who is to argue against Troy Polamalu's flowing locks?? Their division is tough, but dammit I believe in them. Now go out there and give it all that you've got.

San Diego Chargers 10 Wins Over+115/Under-135

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Over. I never really know what to make of the Chargers. I know Phil Rivers is a dick somewhere in between Ari Gold and Jeremy Piven (Think about it, he's still maybe 94% of the jerk he is on TV...allegedly). I know Norv Turner game plans with hard alcohol at his side (It is the only explanation). But what really made me pick the over is I knew that of the Broncos, Raiders and Chiefs, none would really be all that great. Chargers at 11-5 sounded about right.

San Francisco 49ers 7.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 7-1

Tor: Under. Picking Alex Smith to win 8 games was just more than I could handle. I get that Harbaugh is a bauss of a coach, but cmon look at Alex Smith's career numbers 57.7% career completion %, 58tds/54ints, and 30 fumbles lost in 59 career games including his great start to this season. Couldn't do it.

Seattle Seahawks 6 Wins Over-105/Under-115

Current Record: 2-6

Tor and Sarv: Under:

If you click on no other link, please select this one. It is all you need to know why the under was selected: http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/5bl0ooVQXpt/Seattle+Seahawks+v+San+Francisco+49ers/TMyPVbxPB2l/Tarvaris+Jackson

St. Louis Rams 7.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150

Current Record: 1-7
Tor and Sarv: Over. I will again utilize my patented distraction tactic when my pick is so obviously flawed. The acronym RAM stands for Random Access Memory, a way for computers to store data. And remember when god sent that Ram so that Abraham wouldn't have to sacrafice Isaac? That was pretty dope.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8 Wins Over+130/Under-150

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Under. Josh Freeman can't come back everyyy week. Wide receivers are lacking, and Atlanta/N'Orleans/Carolina is a frisky division to have to wade through. I'm caulking the wagon on this one.

Tennessee Titans: 7 Wins Over+140/Under-120

Tor: Over

Because somebody in that division has to get wins dammit! Oh and Matt Hasselbeck summons strength from his rapidly receding hairline like Popeye does spinach (I'm allowed one truly awful Rick Reilly esque line per blog)

Sarv: Under: Hey Chris Johnson what’s going on with your game this year?

Chris Johnson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBgIlaTC0vo

Washington Redskins: 6 Wins Over-120 Under Even
Tor/Sarv: Over. Mike Shanahan turned Mike Anderson and Olandis Gary into fricking OJ Simpson without the whole double murder thing, he can do it in the nation's capital too.

Whew! If you are still reading this, you most certainly should see your local optomologist immediately. Hope it was fun to read, because it was fun to write. Enjoy the rest of the NFL season and happy gambling!

Hot Dogs and Laundry

When all the teams you have ever cared about stink, it makes you re-evaluate.



It was cathartic for me, I hope it's enjoyable for you:



I am watching the Twins collapse before my very eyes. Bill Smith has turned Johan Santana into Jim Hoey, Wilson Ramos into Cat Mapps, and Jose Morales austensibly into a flaming pile of dog sh%t that not even Billy Madison would attempt to light on fire on a cratchety neighboor's front porch. They are taking feeble hacks at the mammoth Michael Pineida's sharp slider and explosive fastball. I can only chuckle to myself in a defensive grinace (combination grin/grimace) to try to deflect the anger and sadness of watching a first place team wither away...


Enter Mark Turgeon. Another in the endless string of coaches to bail on Texas A & M for a larger more prestigeous program, using A & M as a stepping stone. You can't help but feel for the Aggie faithful, cheering for analagous smaller market professional and college teams myself. You hear Turgeon commit himself passionately and feverously to the University of Maryland's credo and ways, college station a distant memory of yesterday.


Enter Rajon Rando. Kendrick Perkins and Rondo are crying after Perkins' inexpicable trade, best friends for years told to say goodbye because a man named Danny Ainge decided the team needed a better swingman, to look towards the future. It's just a business, they say begrudgingly as Perk packs up his things. Nothing personal, just a business.


Enter us. We bond over them with friends. We read about them in the paper, we call in to declare our opinions to people with loud shows and louder egos. We buy tickets. We buy jerseys. We pay taxes. We build stadiums. But in glorification of what?


Enter me. Wearing my Lakers Shaq jersey loud and proud. I wear it not because I love the Lakers. I hate them in fact. I hate what they stand for, casual fans who leave games early, always having big name guys, front runners. But I have always gravitated towards Shaq. He is a freak of nature, but is personable, likable, and created the blueprint for how to market yourself as an athlete that many have followed, some to the nth degree (see Johnson, Chad). I enjoyed watching him dominate games while Kobe awkwardly tried to figure out if he was Batman or Robin. And yet, when I wear that jersey I get called out the Lakers fan I'm not, as I should. I'm in a Lakers Jersey.


But should we see the team and not the player first? Are we cheering for a person or the uniform he wears? It's so much more than just a uniform right? It has to be. It's the memories of you high fiving your dad after he catches a foul ball. It's the smell of hotdogs at your favorite stadium. It's you and your buddies having a beer and yelling at your TV as though you are the ultimate authority on life. It's creating a sports community. Fate and circumstance and injuries and ping pong balls brought these people to Minnesota for us to agonize over, critique and cheer for. We get to know them better than ourselves, watching games intently, analyzing highlights, box scores, advanced stats. Some of us are even foolish enough to blog about them.


Enter Cleveland. A city with 7 years of memories involving one man. Billions of dollars in city revenue and franchise value rest in the hands of that one man. The man is a local boy himself. He understands the psyche of the city better than most. Yet he chooses warm weather, playing with his friends, villification, and watches as his jersey burns in the streets at the hands of those who once worshiped him. Through the flames they try to forget a man that embodied a team hopelessly intertwined with a city, destined to cheer for laundry.

The State of the MN Sports Fan Address

The Twins are the Timberwolves of old, making the playoffs only to dash my hopes and dreams in the first round without so much as a wimper. The Timberwolves are the Twins of old, a lovable band of misfits who are as adept at losing as a Bernie Madoff investor. (I'm voting for Sebastian Telfair as Rich Becker, mediocre and annoying and we just can't get rid of this guy...) I really also like Mauer/Garnett parallels.... think about it.


The Vikings are...well the Vikings, and I'm told by people who care about hockey that the Wild (still the most ridiculous nickname in all of professional sports, it's an adjective people) are mediocre, and that Gopher Hockey in this the state of Hockey are more on par with Ferris State. (alleged Hockey burn.) The Gopher's basketball team are proving they still can't win on the road, and I'm not going to acknowledge the Gopher Football team.


All Metrodome roof collapse references/metaphors aside, Minneota sports are a mess right now, and the colder a state is, the more they care about their teams, because if Moorhead is any example, I'd sure as sh** rather stay inside with a brew and watch the game than weather the elements to do...well anything that requires me to weather the elements.


There is hope, but like all things Minnesota sports, this brand of hope is more along the lines of Ellis Boyd Redding's view of hope:


The 1:35-1:50ish part is where I feel Red could be directly talking to Minnesota Sports diehards: (Is Shawshank Redemption not flawless? Really wanted to work it into this one in some way...count it!)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWUfFwoe8ko&feature=related

This dangerous hope of mine lies in dangerous hands. I am blindly optimistic about a team that had 10,000 to 1 odds in Vegas to win the NBA champtionship, the worst by far of any NBA team. Their most recent 3 point loss the Spurs had me not thinking of another wasted road opprotunity for a signtature win, but rather how Love threw up yet another 15-15, how we rallied after Beasley went down, and (gulp) how hard Anthony Tolliver played? I'm fantasizing about a starting lineup next year of Rubio, Wesley who has been a pleasant surprise, Love, Beasley and Insert Center X here. With Martell off the Bench, 2 Utah 1st rounders in our pocket, maybe we can be a playoff team with this very young and very talented Nucleus??

To those who say that our 2012 first round pick is unprotected and Clipper bound after the Marko Jaric incident, that Love and Beasley are going to have to get PAID when their contracts are up, and that Rubio is lukewarm at best to ever come to Minnesota leaving you with the worst draft pick in recent memory, Thabeet aside, in Jonny Flynn-- I respond with (covering ears and closing eyes really hard) Can't hear you!! lalalalalala can't hear you!! Essentially being a Wolves fan requires one to regress to being a preschooler, simply appreciating them for how tall they are for Crunch's antics. (Not too much of a challenge for me thankfully!)

(Picture above is Webster's definition of "Pasty White Hope")

I'll save some of the Twins talk for a later date, but the fact of the matter is that the land of the Randy Ratio, Gary Anderson missing 1 field goal, the Daunte Roll, J.R Rider, Denny Hocking, Torii Hunter relinquishing inside-the-park home runs, begging 41 year old quarterbacks to come back for one more go around, Gugliotta tribal tattoos, Tony Fiore's palmball, Tony Fiore references, Final four's taken away, Courtney James being cuffed and taken away, 12 men on the field penalties followed by interceptions, Rick Rickert, and of course, Jesse Crain, Bennie Sapp and Nick Punto is in dire need of something to truly go its way.

Here's to a genuine hope.

Sports (sports) Sports Sports Sports (sports)

I know I'm not alone when I say this is going to be one of the most exciting NBA seasons in...well...ever. The summer of 2010 was unprecedented and has given rise to one of the most hyped teams in..well...ever. I am not at all concerned about who will take the last shot, or how the team will mesh. The only thing that is going to stop this team is if one of the big 2 1/2 (I'm not ready to annoint Chris Bosh superstardom just yet, although I do think he will have a very productive fantasy season given that teams will in no way be able to game plan for him) is injuries.



People seem to forgotten amid "The decision" and the never can be overused line, especially with a tone that implies a less than clean connotation, "taking my talents to south beach", is just how talented the man is. The over under a team that won 61 games last year, that lost its four last games of the year because they rested players/did not care/Mike Brown's corpse was "coaching", having only appreciably lost one player is 30 1/2!! 30 1/2! The astute minds in Vegas whose only job is to analyze this stuff (bless their hearts) say Lebron is worth at least 30 wins to that Cleveland team. Now put that monster on a team with Dwayne Wade (who is admittedly more fragile than Robin Williams in any role that he grows a beard for) and Chris Bosh, who may or may not have came out of that dudes stomach in "Alien." Look Out World!!


Only Boston (because of the Big 3, Rondo, lotta bulk in the frontcourt in the O'Neals) and The Lakers (because of the mamba, and Wallace, Chris) I'm still so upset over the Paul Gasol giveaway- Why Chris Wallace?!? Why?? Did Jerry Buss hurt you? Show us where he touched you! This is a safe place Chris Wallace! (building on previous Robin Williams humor) It's not your fault! It's not your fault! Its..not..your...fault.....

Whew, for that its worth I have a few bold calls:


1) The worst team in the league will be the Raptors. I mean, can you even name a player on this team? And don't you dare say William H Macy because Jurassic Park jokes will not be tolerated!

Plus It's just fun to laugh at Canada isn't it? (I'm not including the Wolves in this prediction, I can't think rationally about them)


2) The Clippers will make the playoffs this year. Just you wait.


3) David Kahn will take off a mask to reveal he is actually a cyborg from the future who had to ensure the Wolves would never win a championship to save the world in 2420.


4) Al Jefferson puts up a 20/10 and the Jazz are a 3 seed in the West. Everyone wonders aloud why "David Kahn" would trade him for 2 future first round picks that will likely be in the 16-22 pick range and a man named Kosta.


5) Greg Oden stays healthy all year. Then reveals he is actually 57 years old to get a discount on his grand slam at Dennys.


And some not-so-bold predictions:

1) Sebastian Telfair and Luke Rindour get into a "who is the biggest defensive liability at the PG position in the NBA" fight. Both win, meaning nobody wins.


2) Darko Milicic panics and starts waving a towel around madly on the bench, until it is revealed he has been brainwashed by Mark Madsen who gets a standing ovation at the Target Center for making Darko borderline useful.


3) Larry Bird and Jerry Sloan get into a "who likes white basketball players more" fight. But end up becoming best friends and crime fighting ninjas. (You'll thank me later Spielberg)


4) A tree will fall in the forest, and nobody will be around to hear it fall.


5)And the least bold call of all- The Timberwolves will be a lottery team, and will not move up in draft position from their projected lottery slot (sigh)

Now, if you'll excuse me Jenn Sterger is expecting a picture message from me any minute now.

Brett Favre does not think Jenn Sterger jokes are funny.

PK's Song

To death do us part, in sickness and health, and for better or for worse. These statements are the backbone of any marriage. I personally took these vows when I was 6 years old and my father took me to my first Twins game. Stuck in the prime of their disastrous run of the 90's (editors note: let's proclaim this the "Jeff Reboulet" era), the Twins became my one true love. Regardless of result, the way they played the game with hustle desire and passion capitivated me and won my respect and my heart.

I stuck with them through the contraction era, where on more than one occasion there were more promotional giveaways than fans to give them to, nonetheless I stood by my floundering team with steadfast adoration. Then, finally, in 2002 my beloved losers made the playoffs and made believers out of a state that had rejected them for nearly a decade. They became a true team at the hands of the "Soul Patrol" and the undying arm of Brad Radke only to fall to the (Editor's censor...involves coitus except with the the anus.... and a few expletives) clutches of the rally monkey and eventual world series champion Angels. For the next seven years I watched the Twins continue to be built around fundamentals and a never-say -die attitude that gave them national accolades. I have never once questioned the attitude or desire of the men in the "Twin Stripes" until last night.

After a thrilling (thankfully only) 162 game season in which they lost an MVP and still battled their way to 90+ wins and a division title, the Twins I have grown to love faltered. After losing two hard fought games at the new Target Field, the Twins ran out one of the most embarassing and gutless performances I have ever witnessed. At Yankee Stadium, one of the most hostile stadiums known to sport, the Twins failed to rise to the challenge of not only representing the State they call home but also themselves. I, like many of you, watched as each Twin complacently took uninspired plate appearances that led to minimal productivity throughout the night.

After Jorge Posada singled in the first run on a (very) poorly located pitch by Brian Duensing, the already deflated dugout collapsed for good. That one run might as well have been ten the way they were carrying themselves the rest of the evening. Every single one of those players should be embarassed for the way they approached that game.

As it were, this love of mine for the Twins can't be broken by another tragic postseason meltdown. The beauty of baseball is that in several months players will report to spring training and that endless pursuit for a title will begin again. But until then each fan in Twins Territory will be left with a sour taste in their mouths, repeating the mantra made famous by the Chicago Cubs, "There is always next year."

-Peter Kelly

If you've seen this man, ask him where he goes during the Postseason

If I Wrote for The Onion....

David Kahn, lawyer, former sportswriter and current GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves is flaunting his intellect in other facets of life, well outside the sports world. The former Indiana Pacers GM known most prominently for, during his time with Indiana, architecting a draft day trade to secure point guard Jamaal Tinsley from the Atlanta Hawks, has made his presence felt throughout the community in his humble Oregon town.

Most recently Kahn was seen relentlessly polishing his new acquisition, a 2004 Kia Optima, which he received after he traded in his 2009 Acura MDX SUV and $3000 cash. The dealership later commented that they were more than willing to do the trade straight up, but Kahn insisted on throwing in the extra money to “seal the deal.”

The salesman whom Kahn predominantly dealt with during his 3 hours at the Portland Kia dealership, Alan Schierbeck, didn’t mind the encounter on the whole. However, he was annoyed how Kahn insisted on exchanging the $3000 “secretly”, 100 dollars at a time via a variety of different very forced “secret” handshakes. “It was really creepy” admitted Schierbeck.

“I can’t believe they fell for it! That Optima has 3,000 miles less than my Acura, and gets better gas mileage, ” said Kahn after proudly driving away from the dealership. As he rolled down his new sunroof he noted with a wry smile, “AND… the chicks dig it.”
When not polishing his new car, Kahn can often be found haggling with his neighbors over household goods.

Noted neighbor Randy Porter, “I don’t know why David insists on having lengthy negotiations about every little thing. I mean, if he needs to borrow my lawnmower he can, I’m a pretty reasonable guy I like to think.”

“Yeah I robbed Porter blind the other day,” boasted Kahn with little prompting. “You shoulda seen the look on his face!” After staring blankly towards the ground for several moments, Kahn continued, trying to hold back laughter while shaking his head, “I mean to think I only have to trim the Azaleas that border our yards three times a month for a year in exchange for the use of his hedge trimmer today… Well I guess that’s why I’m the president of basketball operations of an NBA franchise and he’s a teacher. “

Kahn was later seen touting his Monopoly track record versus his 9 year old son, Michael. “The thing about Mike is, he totally undervalues the purples. They are right by Go for Christssake! Just the other day, we did a Baltic for Marvin Gardens swap, straight up.”

Kahn’s wife of 17 years, Sharon, began laughing uncontrollably when asked about David’s compulsive need to negotiate at all times.

“I think he still hasn’t beaten Michael in Monopoly”, said Sharon between gasps for air. “He must have gotten up 6 or 7 times last game to get new dice last time they played,” continued Mrs. Kahn. “He really just shouldn’t have given Mike all his railroads for a get out of jail free card. He would have had at least something of a chance if he didn’t execute that gem.”

“There’s a sucker born every minute” said David, after his most recent defeat. He continued, with a gleam in his eye, “You just gotta know where to look.”

A really long post with a somewhat underlying theme.

A while back I was watching baseball tonight, and known political commentator George F Will was brought on to give his expert insight on the game of baseball today as we know it. I do not know why. I mean, I don’t see Larry King bringing on Billy Bean or even the Twins’ allegedly alive GM Bill Smith (who masterfully oversaw the Johan Santana in exchange for several Box Car Children trade) to give their two cents on the Gulf of Mexico catastrophuck.

Anywho… where were we? Ah yes, George Will. Say what you will about him politically, as I have vehemently agreed with him and disagreed with him on a wide array of topics. That is not what this is all about, because politics have become increasingly too polarizing and is making people too unreasonable. What really grinds my gears to quote the great Peter Griffin is that this dude really doesn’t have a clue when it comes to baseball.

He’s a famous fan of the game. I get it. He’s well read, respected, and articulate. Doesn’t mean he knows what the F he’s talking about. The problem with this cat is that he is trying to embrace new age stats, but really doesn’t understand their practical application.
He started prattling on about how the triple crown is dumb. I disagreed, because the triple crown seems timeless. Regardless of live ball eras, dead ball eras, steroid eras, or even the Mesozoic era, you still essentially are the best contact and power hitter in your league that respective year if you win it.

He went on to say that the problem was with the average stat being included, that this should be replaced with On base percentage. Really George Will? Your astute baseball mind thinks average is the problem? Anyone with half a brain could tell you of the 3 stats, RBI’s are the least reflective of how good a player is. That is not to say they have no value whatsoever, but they are a better reflection of how the hitters ahead of you are fairing, not your personal performance. Throughout his poorly educated rant, he failed to even mention VORP and OPS, my two favorite new age stats. OBP is a nice stat, but to make your stand at OBP is comparable to vacuuming while your house is burning down. (I know this is probably a poor simile, but when trying to think of an appropriate one, I pictured Gary Busey doing just this, and I chuckled to myself…just try it, I’ll wait)

I think these sites do a nice job of VORP if you are unfamiliar.
http://www.stathead.com/bbeng/woolner/vorpdescnew.htm (complicated VORP explanation)

http://www.baseballprospectus.com/glossary/index.php?search=vorp (simple VORP explanation)

And OPS is on base percentage plus slugging percentage. So basically any base you achieve from the plate is considered a hit. A walk leads to a 1000 OPS, as does a single. A 1-4 game with a home run would still equal 1000 OPS because the 4 bases would equal essentially 4 “hits”

When I look at these stats I feel I have a lot better picture as to the impact a player has on his team offensively, showing what they do compared to an average player, and how many total bases they get per plate appearance essentially. These stats are all that is good in the world

This got me to thinking- why is punditry such a huge business? It’s rampant in every sector of life. Columnists in various sections of the paper essentially are paid to give their opinion on matters, folks like Bill O'Reilly and Chris Matthews and other political pundits make millions attempting to find unique angles that would be pleasing to their target audience. I, myself have been known to watch two cranky old men argue sports on PTI, and have my very own blog so I can share my opinions with the world. What is its allure?

I think people enjoy listening and reading pundits work because it helps us form our own opinion on matters. I’m not saying we are all sheep that vehemently agree with everything that is said. But, rather, we may not know exactly how we felt about that new bill passing/that big basketball trade/ the latest Hollywood break up until we hear another person’s take on the matter. We can pick and choose things that are said that agree and disagree with, further narrowing the scope of our emotions and thoughts. Plus either way, we can smirk quietly to ourselves at what an idiot the particular talking head is.

Take this NBA draft for instance. As I was watching it with my buddies we had a wide range of emotions (having a few brews in us only aided these mood swings). At first we loved the Wesley Johnson pick, then complained about not moving up in the draft. Then we hated Luke Babbitt, talked ourselves into him after 10 minutes of banter, then were actually upset with the trade with the Trailblazers. It was only after the draft, and after having looked over some analysis that I came to the realization I already knew: David Kahn is a moron.

We netted 3 small forwards from our first round picks, continuing the streak of Kahn feeling the need only to address one position per draft with a serial killer-like coldness. Can we please put someone up there with a brain who understands the game of basketball? We needed a center. He said it himself. K-love and Big Al can’t play together because they are both below the rim power forwards and don’t anyone dare tell me Darko Millicic is the answer or I will stick this keyboard where the sun don’t shine! (gasping for breath while massaging knuckles in fury)

That lovely Timberwolves tangent aside, I was able to articulate these thoughts better after hearing what other people had to say, and molding and melting and rejecting those ideas to form my own unique perspective. So as annoying as pundits are (see Limbaugh, Rush) they do facilitate our processing of information, and with all the outlandish statements I’ve heard them make in my day, if nothing else, have huge cojones.

I will now go lay down a towel, face southeast, get on my knees, extend my hands towards the heavens and proclaim KAHN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! for no fewer than 72 consecutive hours. Good day.

Another long winded rant about things that upset me

Hello everyone! I apologize to the outspoken minority of you who for whatever reason enjoy this incoherant babble known as my blog. Without further delay:

In a previous blog many a moon ago, I recanted a moment that no doubt occurred in everyone’s childhood. They played rec league basketball against a kid in a pair of jeans. This is forgivable (barely) seeing as everyone is still figuring out life, and in no way completely grasps social norms. Plus, that kid was always kind of a weirdo who we felt bad for, and who did not bathe regularly. There was one in every town. However, on a college campus, l beg of you, do not come into a gym and attempt to play ball in khaki shorts and a polo. I will not pass to you. I will not acknowledge you in any way. You could conceivably very soon join the work force, and be a full fledged productive citizen, maybe even in a few years contribute your DNA to the gene pool of the next generation. You should not at this point in your life be baffled as to proper athletic attire.

I will suggest this though: Double SECRET probation for 1st time offenders (summoning my inner Dean Wermer and smirking maniacally to myself), and as for after that… expulsion from this campus!! (2nd time offenders will not be missed) On second thought, no not expulsion, but rather in a Hester Prynne like fashion, be forced sport a “scarlet letter” of sorts around campus for a year. A “P” for polo-wearer, or perhaps a “C” for completely unaware of proper gym rules/guidelines. Either way, something must be done, lest I be mildly annoyed forever.

Why do I continue to actively root for the Wolves? Do I enjoy pain and sorrow that much? After Kahn royally botched this last draft by selecting 3 point guards, and then signing another one (I admittedly liked the Ramon Sessions signing initially, however). Of course Ricky Rubio didn’t want to come over here and fight for minutes on a bad team. I mean who wouldn’t want to be able to drive and kick the formidable frontcourt of Ryan Hollins (career av 3 pts/2 boards) and Nathan Jawai (half man/half goodyear blimp—Note in this picture, he is storing a small child in his cheeks for the winter--).

And to top it all off Kurt Rambis refuses to play Wayne Ellington as though if he did the entire crowd would light themselves on fire. He even went as far to say he might want Ellington to be sent down to D-league to get some minutes, as if it would be completely preposterous for a rookie first rounder to get his feet wet on a 1-14 team whose lone win was against an 0-15 team.

Gahhhh. I apologize, the Wolves are my weakness. I should in no way care about this team anymore, they have betrayed me 1000 times. They are worthless, and pathetic, and I will likely attend a game in person this year. (Next step: Intervention??)

Also, we still owe the Clippers this draft pick: http://www.insidehoops.com/jaric-cassell-trade-081305.shtml Thank god Joe Mauer and Jared Allen exist.

If you’ll excuse me I’ll be in my room creating an altar to Coach K, designing my 2009-2010 NCAA Champions: Duke T-Shirt. (Immense internal debate btwn allowing Zoubek to be apart of the shirt, currently thinking no) Good Day to you!

October Jottings, October Jottings, October Jottings

Quick Mets thought:

Kudos to the New York Mets for saving everyone the time, and blowing the NL East in May this year. I really appreciate it. I mean it’s not like you have the 2nd highest payroll in the entire MLB. Maybe you should just use that money as toilet paper, or macramé perhaps, rather than lock up Oliver Perez for 12 mill a year. I can’t believe this isn’t a bigger story. It’s a disgrace. Even the Nationals feel bad, and are taking them under their wing, showing them how losing is really done. “When guys get on base, don’t get mad, they’ll probably end up scoring anyway. Just think about the pizza party after the game at Chuck E. Cheese, that’s what we do.”

(Too soon?)

Having said that…

The Vikings are incredibly exciting. In fact, they are easily the most entertaining team in the entire NFL. If we were a bigger market, I think that ESPN would have already created an ESPNV channel to simply cover them. (Hmm I seem to remember predicting how entertaining this team would be??).

The only fair comparison is that the Vikings ARE the really really drunk girl at a party. Let me explain.

There’s one at every party. This gives every sober/buzzing person endless enjoyment. It is edge-of-your-seat stuff. Did she just fall over for no apparent reason? Who’s handle is she drooling over now? Did she just throw up on an ottoman? You absolutely never know what is going to happen next.

The Vikings are the same way:

Brett Favre: While announcers doing everything short of getting to third base with him, he is trying his best to suppress his gunslinging instincts, and all the while slapping ref’s behinds after touchdowns, jumping around like a little kid, and oh yeah, PLAYING FOR HIS OLD TEAM OF 17 YEARS ARCHRIVAL.

Adrian Peterson: Could break an 80 yard run on this handoff, could fumble in immediately. Only god knows.

Percy Harvin: Sooooo electric.(I said ooh girl. Shock me like an electric eel… Possible new MGMT theme music?? Think about it Percy) He’s one of those guys where even though I know how fast he is, I still cringe and oooh and ahh as people look silly attempting to tackle him.

Jared Allen - Jared Allen posted a video on youtube of him spearing an Elk, and shooting a buffalo with a bow and arrow. Also, check out his priceless T-Shirts. Hilarious, all posed by Jared and with matching descriptions: http://shop.jaredallen69inc.com/index.php?cPath=1_4

Also, just so we are on the same page: The man has a mullet.

Cedric Griffin/Benny Sapp- Remain cornerbacks that play for our team.

Brad Childress- You never know if he’s going to kick the extra point down 2: http://lessrock-moretalk.blogspot.com/2008/10/vikings.html Or run when he should pass, or finally laugh maniacally and declare he actually has never played/coached football ever, and can’t believe he’s gotten away with it for this long.

You never know what is going to happen. The Vikings are that drunk girl, and here’s to them never sobering up.

I'm serious...you...you..you could be a comedian

Deep Thoughts with Brett Favre

Look, I understand a lot of people’s frustration with my recent antics. Will I or won’t I, it gets old right? The fact of the matter is I don’t have too many NFL years left in these old bones and I don’t want to go to training camp. I feel I’ve earned that right. I know many people (this blogger included) grow weary of constant updates from ESPN regarding my every movement and thought. But is that not an indictment of ESPN as much as it is me? Now that the media circus can slow down for a while let me make the case for me, Brett Favre, in Minnesota.

1) Have you seen the current Minnesota Vikings QB depth chart? I mean not just glanced, but actually take it in for a while? Let us not forget in our outrage that you fully intended to waste Adrian Peterson with the Rosenfels-Jackson merry-go-round. (Let me take this moment to spread the word that “Rosenfels” is in fact going to be the new cuss word of choice… go ahead, yell it out, I’ll wait… You liked it didn’t you.) What… you were thinking you could maybe make a “Booty Call”? John David Booty is also not the answer. C’mon people, I lead the world in all-time TD’s, give me a chance.

2) Hey Vikings fans, please don’t disregard this- the greatest opportunity given to a fan base in the history of sports. Please don’t be the “I am no longer a Vikings fan” guy. That is foolish. You can take this opportunity to rub in your Packer-fan-friend that the most popular guy in their state, perhaps the most popular athlete in Wisconsin sports history has knowingly and willingly (that isn’t to say he may not be under a confundus charm- can I get a Harry Potter shout out!) come to their most hated rival and giving a royal middle finger to all of cheese land. When we beat them, we can laugh at their children that they’ve foolishly already named Brett, and further laugh at them for foolishly worshipping a man as fickle as I like a god.

3) And lastly, remember that sports are, at the very core, entertainment. I have made millions of dollars entertaining all of my fans. Not one person can say that my being on the Vikings won’t make the season more entertaining than another T-Jack snoozefest that slowly deflates the fanbase and team alike. That first Vikes/Pack game on MNF is going to have a Superbowl-like buzz of importance. The season, good or bad, is going to be incredibly entertaining, and I think all of the Vikings’ fans out there will see it my way when we are 3-0 and all is well- at that time all this hoopla and drama will be long gone and all will be forgiven.

Lord knows this blogger is exited

AL vs NL: A philosophical debate

The first rule of less rock more talk is...you do not talk about fight club! Having said that..

As I’m sure I have discussed with many of the 20 year old baseball intellectuals of Plymouth recently, the American League is a vastly superior league to the National League. This is so much so I have dubbed the National League the “quadruple A all stars” (possible necessary shout out to Bill Simmons yet again?? I’m not sure I read so much of him he is a part of me) So let us officially open up this forum for me to discuss possible explanations for this uncanny phenomenon.

Let me first start by ranting about just how much better the AL truly is. Since interleague play’s inception, the AL had the better head to head record for 9 of the 13 years, and 1673 to 1534 overall. (According to Wikipedia, so take it for what you will). Also, the AL has won 12 of the last 20 world series titles. And perhaps most embarrassingly of all the American League has now not lost in 13 straight all-star games.

I mean seriously.. the AL hasn’t lost since 1996. Let’s discuss some happenings of 1996 to put this into perspective: The N64 had just been released. Bob Dole was still politically relevant (if he ever was?) running for president. Tupac was still alive for Christ’s sake! (Damn you Biggie!!)

The fact the AL is superior is a tough point to argue against, the question is why?

Theory Number 1: The Yankees and Red Sox carry the league and dominate it with their extravagant spending.
Examining the spending comparison of the two leagues (check out this link of 08 and 09 salaries: http://baseball.about.com/od/newsrumors/a/09teamsalaries.htm) I would have to say that the 2 leagues are not that far apart in payrolls, with only 8 of the top 15 team salaries in the AL. Plus, payroll does not necessarily dictate dominance. Having a higher budget is most certainly beneficial, but competence in its use is also necessary. (Recall such signings as Chan Ho Park/Carl Pavano/and dare I… Bobby Higginson??... Oh I went there) The Yankees didn’t buy their way to the 1996-2000 dynasty they had, they grew their own core of players, and sprinkled in free agents to fill in the gaps, just like the Red Sox, Phillies, and other teams have recently done. I am going to say this point has some merit, but is not altogether too relevant.

Theory Number 2: The National League cannot compete with the American League head to head because of the discrepancy the DH causes.
Sure the Manny/Ortiz Sox probably had an advantage by being able to get away with having 2 defensive liabilities in the same line up. But I do not feel a lot of AL teams have legit 9 man lineups anyway (I think Nick Punto is currently rolling around in a pile of money he doesn’t deserve and is laughing) Also, this can be a duel-edged sword in that in the NL ballparks the AL pitchers must learn how to remain focused while also hitting. So.. a huge HOW DARE YOU to anyone who suggests this; A large Michelangelo nunchuck to the dome! A tremendous –Neo-punch to Agent Smith’s chest- to you sirs! (that’s enough)

Theory Number 3: The balance of power can be fickle and this is just a time where the pendulum has swung towards the AL
A distinct possibility. Keep in mind the NL won all but 1 all star game from 1963 to 1982. (Wow actual stats and research to back up stats?!? This post is unprecedented!) Some players switching leagues can have profound impacts on teams. For instance, Manny moving to LA was an incredible shift in power. It changed the punchless Dodgers into contenders. And if Manny isn’t suspended for PED’s –pregnancy pills?- (giggle) maybe his antics carry the NL to home field advantage this year. Maybe we are reading too much into all of this, maybe it’s just something for sports writers to yap about and bloggers to blog about. Maybe. But it sure is a interesting debate, and I’m curious to know theories, so be sure to holla at me so we can sort this whole thing out!

Until next time.

His "I can't believe I was just referenced in a blog in 2009" face

Twins Talk

As I sat at the Twins game on Tuesday night, I noted that no other human being projected the “I am a slap hitter vibe” more than Nyjer Morgan. I called him a poor man’s Juan Pierre, a rich man’s Otis Nixon. I mocked his high socks and baggy pants. I laughed at the fact he had no home runs in 200+ at bats this year. Then, bam, over the baggy. Everyone around me mocked me profusely, and rightfully so. I now will add Nyjer Morgan to athletes I hate for an irrational reason. (Really?? This guy hit a home run?? Really????)

Two old men behind me thought they were freakin’ hilarious at the game too. A hot dog vendor was pitching his hot dogs up and the one old man says, (very sarcastic tone) “Whatcha got there…Hormel???” (rowdy old people laughter ensues) “I only eat Oscar Meyer!” (more obnoxious old man laughter, followed by me shaking my head and burying said head in my hands in shame for being in such close proximity to such an event) If anyone can explain how this would be remotely funny to any human being, please try to explain… I’m at a loss for words.

Umm… Joe Mauer is really really good. I’m not sure if pitchers are trying anymore. They are just throwing it in there, thinking he’ll probably get a hit anyway. Seriously… this is ridiculous. Nobody should make a mockery of professional pitching like he is currently doing.

What a great day for Minnesota sports! Mchale’s tyrannous reign is over and Jesse Crain is riding a bus with his new teammates in AAA Rochester!!! Yes!!!!! I think an angel just got its wings. I might cry its so beautiful. I can now only pray that he stays down there…forever. Perhaps if we all pitched in we could buy a crane game from Chuck E. Cheese and send it to the Twins clubhouse. So if they ever feel the urge to call him back up, they could just waste a couple dollars, not get a stuffed animal, and remember what Mr. Crain brought to the table, nothing but pain and suffering.

I think it’s safe to say Fransisco Liriano is damaged goods. He just doesn’t have the same velocity he used to have, nor does he have the same bite on that slider of his. This isn’t 2006. Send him to the bullpen, send a message. He’s going to have to start locating like every other pitcher in the show that has average stuff. Because that’s what he has now, average stuff. The middle of the plate is no place for a 90 mph fastball with little to no movement, just like show business was no place for Christina Aguilera.

And did I already say Joe Mauer is really really good? Well if I didn’t, he is. Seriously. And have you ever seen Joe Mauer and Superman in the same room at the same time? Think about it.

Twins Bullpen Rant

Some have accused this blog of being too negative...

They are absolutely correct.

On that note, I give you: the Twins bullpen rant.

The Outcasts

Luis Ayala- Coming in with a silly bad 1.75 WHIP/5.63 ERA, he still somehow has convinced Gardy that he is worthy of logging significant innings. Either ignorant or insane, Ayala is under the impression that poorly located 87 mph sinkers are capable of getting professional hitters out. Thank god Mauer is hitting .800.

Jesse Crain- His ERA is back in single digits, an impressive 8.10, which is a start. After 260+ professional appearances, Crain seems to be thinking about developing a pitch to complement the belt high fastballs he has been insulting fans with for years. Gardenhire, much like a child at Chuck E. Cheese, insists on playing the “crane game” ad nauseum. The only problem is that nobody wins the crane game. Nobody.

The Suspect

Craig Breslow- an impressive ERA/WHIP/BA against of 1.63/0.98/.180 last year make his current numbers of 6.75/1.69/.222 perplexing. This leads me to scream at Breslow -Ben Affleck in Good Will Huntingesque- “You’re Suspect!” If he can get control issues under control the former Ivy Leaguer could become a serviceable middle reliever again.

Matt Guerrier- Decent ERA/WHIP of 4.43/0.93 are promising. However his penchant for giving up big home runs sometimes leave me wondering how Pat Neshek is doing..

RA Dickey- Known innings eater Dickey, aka Bearded Jesus, really embodies the 2009 Twins’ bullpen. He is enigmatic, and often times misused, brought into bases loaded situations putting handcuffs on his knuckleball. He could be an effective anchor to the long relief corps, or as leader of the free world. Take your pick.

Summoning the ghost of Eric Gagne

Jose Mijares- I will attempt to give constructive criticism despite my man crush on Mijares. Who am I kidding, I won’t. I love Jose Mijares. 11 K’s in 9 IP, ERA/WHIP of 2.89/0.96. A great live arm coming out of the bullpen, he should project as our set up man for years to come once he irons out some consistency issues.

Joe Nathan- Career 9+ K per 9, ERA/WHIP 2.79/1.12. Brings a plus fastball/curve/slider to the table every night with great control (career 2.5:1 K:BB) Too bad we bought this shiny anchor without that great of a boat… I still thank AJ Pierzynski for giving us both him and Franny every day. Although, the argument could be made the Giants knew what they were doing by somehow convincing the Twins to willingly allow Boof Bonser onto their active roster...

I hate Boof Bonser.

Women. Can't Live With'em and They Can't Pee Standing Up

Let me preface this piece by saying that I am not doing this to bring down women’s sports, but rather point out ways that they need to be improved to be on the closer to the same playing field as men.


Women’s basketball has potential to be a decent product, but is not. The problem with women’s basketball is that they try to pretend they are the same as men. They are not. It is not their fault, nature made males bigger stronger and faster. That is not the issue. The issue is that basketball was designed with men in mind, like baseball. Women’s basketball needs to create a “softball” of basketball, like baseball has. Softball (fastpitch) is mildly entertaining because it is competitive, and because nobody is thinking about how much better a guy could do it, because the sports are unique enough for comparisons to be useless.

The WNBA needs to lower the hoops, so that cool dunks are possible, nothing radical, maybe to 9 and a half feet so alley oops become a factor. They also should consider something else to make their sport unique to the NBA, maybe a 4 point line?? (Side note- this would finally give Antoine Walker what he wants this was a real interview)—

(Reporter) – “Antoine, you are shooting 25% from three this year, why do you still shoot them?”
(Antoine) – “I shoot 3’s cuz there ain’t any 4’s”

Other ideas about the gameplay itself would be one possession per team per game with a money ball, like in a 3 pt contest, that would make points double. This way, teams would not be out of games at the end as easily, and it would add extra coaching strategy. I think this would make the games watchable, for me. Imagine an 8 pointer, with these two rule changes implemented!
The above may never happen, because people deeply involved in the WNBA don’t seem to be able to fathom why nobody cares about their season, so I have a much more reasonable solution. Teams get regional priority for players from those colleges. (1 pick per year) Think about it. Imagine if Lindsay Whalen played for the Lynx after the fan base she had from her gopher playing days. People might actually care about that team. I know that the competitive balance might be shifted with this rule, but the alternative of no league at all is a worse fate in my opinion.

The WNBA has a chance to revolutionize a sport, out of pure desperation. If I was commissioner of the WNBA it would be more like a St. Paul Saints experience. The Saints know people don’t really care a whole lot about the team itself, and that it is just entertainment. –side note- best Saint Paul Saints line ever is when a foul ball leaves the stadium straight behind home plate- “dyslexic home run” gets me every time…

If you still aren’t convinced that this major overhaul needs to happen, look at this clip of a recent Elite 8 game, of the Arizona State coach attempting (I use this term very liberally here) to motivate her team. Take a look, go ahead, I’ll wait…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PasQSgOXEQ

“You’re not so bad!” and “We just played like poop” have got to be the 2 single worst halftime speech lines ever. I’m sorry, but I can’t take a sport seriously right now that has people in the game that would dare use “poop” in an inspirational sentence, I just can’t do it. Sometimes vulgarity has its place. This may have been one of those times. It may have gotten a fire in their belly, rather than making everyone feel more awkward/nauseated/ashamed of their existence than the warden in Shawshank Redemption after Andy is discovered missing.

The WNBA has got to man up (poor choice of words?) and admit their product in inferior, and quit pretending it’s not. They are not the NBA. If they simply follow my advice they would have at least double their current fan base, guaranteed. What do they have to lose?

The Superbowl

This year’s superbowl way exceeded my expectations for a variety of reasons. First of all, I had very low expectations, which is key. Secondly, there were a lot of other non-game related activities that kept my mind occupied. Let me elaborate.

I loved how Larry Fitzgerald’s dad was cut to every time he did something/was mentioned/heart beated. He always had the same stoic expression, as to remain the objective journalist for the paper nobody has ever heard of, (Side note- Bill Simmons mocked this fact until a reader confronted him and told him that it was an African-American newspaper, then he went on to not apologize or care… brilliant) Seriously, I’ve never heard of it and I’ve lived in Minnesota my whole life. (It’s called the Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder)

I also loved how I bet on the game, talking down my buddy from the actual line of Pittsburgh -7, to Pittsburgh -4.5, only to have Pittsburgh win by 4. I was playing out ridiculous going for 2/ overtime scenarios on Pittsburgh’s last drive. They were so ridiculous I dare not mention them aloud.

The best part of the superbowl however, had to be Kurt Warner……’s wife. Seriously. I made so many Kurt Warner’s wife jokes during the superbowl it wasn’t even funny anymore (yes it was). Look at these two pictures. On one side, a pseudo dyke/trucker look, and the other a superficial nip/tuck face. Yes, they are the same human being.

How do you think this conversation went down?

Kurt: “Honey, ummm now that I’m not bagging groceries, can you maybe look hot?”
Brenda: “What is that dear?”
Kurt: “It’s just that…well…all the other players have hot wives, I mean come on…we’re all rich celebrities. We can marry up in this world. And you…you look like Rosie O’Donnell’s sloppy seconds.”
Brenda: “You’re right Kurt! It’s what God would want!” (They are very religious, just thought I would work that in for good measure)

I’m putting the over/under at 50,000 for the surgery (s) (and I think the safe money’s on the over).

The best joke of the night was easily Brenda Warner/Jimmy Claussen references. Why is Kurt making out with that punk kid from Notre Dame? Shouldn’t he be mentoring him?

Oh and by the way D-Lew/other ND fans that are reading this: Nice to see the Irish snap out of there infinity bowl game losing streak against Hawaii this year. Maybe they will step it up and a bowl win on the mainland this time around. That is assuming that Charlie Weis doesn’t have to stop coaching because his ego actually went in to orbit, joining the already several snickers bars that currently succumb to his gravitational pull.

RIP Carl Pohlad

Carl Pohlad has been a very polarizing figure in recent Minnesota sports history. On the one hand, he was the owner during the 1987 and 1991 world championships, the only professional sports titles of our current franchises. On the other hand, he has been known as a rather stingy owner, despite being one of the wealthiest owners in professional sports.

I know that Minnesota is not the biggest market in professional sports, but we have very loyal fans and support our teams (when they deserve support…I’m lookin’ at you wolves)

Side note- I would like to declare to the world that I lost a bet on the wolves, when they were up by 26 in the late second quarter. The sad part was, we decided it was a completely legitimate bet at the time. They ended up losing by 7. Every Jason Terry uncontested 3 pointer from the corner was a dagger into my heart (but I digress)

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah- The twins. It will be interesting to see what the new direction of the twins will be. We still will try to develop our own talent. I am fine with that, because it is a cost-effective way to bring up young stars, and we have an excellent scouting team that seem to always find needles in a haystack. But, one thing I would like to see us do is do is make that killer move in the offseason/before the trading deadline.

If we are in contention, we can afford to move a couple of prospects maybe once every 4-5 years to try to make it all the way. I feel like we have just been one free agent splash away from being a serious contender instead of a nice story (But, we do have the assassin, R.A. Dickey aka “Bearded Jesus” to lead us to the promised land now!!).

I love knuckleballs

Next Year Can't Come Quickly Enough

Being the hopeless homer optimist that I am when it comes to Minnesota sports teams, I wrote a piece about the possible excitement and buzz that this Timberwolves team could create this year. Sure, they were not going to be a legitimate title contender. But I felt that it would at the bare minimum be a season with young talent on the court. I though we would be able to watch them slowly begin to gel and get a better feel for what it takes to be a winner as a professional basketball player. I thought at the very least an entertaining product would be put on the court day in and day out.

I was wrong.

Watching a Timberwolves game is like watching animal planet. You watch the gazelle try to cross the river. You know that isn’t a log, but rather a crocodile. You yell at your TV, and try to warn the gazelle. You plead with the gazelle to listen to your cries. A part of you truly thinks the gazelle will evade the savvy and patient croc’s awaiting jaws. But, in the end the crocodile does get a meal, and the wolves do lose the game.

The 4-23 record of the fighting Al Jefferson’s is disheartening unto itself, however other factors are rubbing salt in my wounds. First of all I would like to officially declare unto the world a list of players we could still have and if we had a GM that did not get a secret lobotomy (it’s my new theory), probably would still have. I have taken the liberty of placing the player that was kept/received instead in parenthesis. Please bear with me, I know this is painful, but it’s for the good of all…the first step is acceptance.
Ray Allen (Stephon Marbury)
Chauncey Billups (the corpse of Troy Hudson)
Kevin Garnett (Al Jefferson, Ryan Gomes, and others who must not be named)
Josh Howard (Ndudi Ebi)
Brandon Roy (Randy Foye and 1 million dollars no doubt used on hard alcohol to “stop the hurt”)
O.J. Mayo, Marko Jaric’s bloated contract (3 very white guys)
5 first round draft picks (Joe Smith and a shady “1 year contract”)

Look at all the talent that has slipped through our collective fingers… I feel like all the Wolves fans should band together for a huge A.A.-like meeting to nurse our 20 years of frustrations.

“Hi I’m Jake…and I’ve been a T-Wolves fan for about 20 years now… and I am still haunted by Tom Gugliotta’s barbed wire tattoo
“We’re here for you Jake”

A second, even more melancholy note is that the wolves play a more disheveled game than that most high school teams. Rashad McCants keeps getting significant minutes despite mistaking basketball for a game of hot potato. “I don’t want the ball, I’ll just throw it at the rim 11 times then go home to the lesser Kardashian sister”. There are batting averages higher than McCants and Seabass Telfair’s FG% (.344 and .307 respectively) Joe Mauer should not be able to hit 87 mph sliders more efficiently

than these chuckers can hit a jump shot. By the way, has the barbed wire ever been in style? I'm leaning towards no.

But, the single most appalling, egregious, outrageous (insert Johnny Cochrane adjective here) aspect of the Wolves is that we still insist on allowing people like Brian Cardinal, Mark Madsen, and Kevin Ollie to log significant minutes. These men would not be getting minutes for the Golden Gophers right now, so why let them play with the big boys? Nobody is paying hard earned money to see a Kevin Ollie pull up jumper in traffic, so let’s just quietly buy out their contracts and forget they ever happened…agree? (Please, if there is a god agree)

join me in counting down the days till the draft, where we can see how the Wolves will blow it this time around.

Give'em a wolves uniform too, what's the worst that could happen?

Its Tubby Time

Can I just start by saying I remain in disbelief that the University of Minnesota attracted such a high profile coach as Tubby Smith? I am forever grateful towards the backwards, impatient, incest-laden (too mean?) fan base of the Kentucky Wildcats. I am still pinching myself. Thank you so much for dumping a hall of fame coach on a whim. When I heard the news I had a Bobby Jackson/Sam Jacobson inspired flashback of the glory days of old.

I consider myself to be a relatively passionate Minnesota sports fan, so the Dan Monson era was particularly nauseating. I think his sideline presence could be roughly equated to that of that teacher whose class you just dreaded going to growing up. You know what I mean, the one where the only relief in going to it was that at least you got to sit down for the duration. And you would try to find the simplest joys to get through that time. Like, “Yes I am officially loaded with 0.7 mm pencil lead”, or “That doodle totally looks like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos” That was kind of what the players looked like as they trudged over to the bench for every time out. They really just looked forward to sitting down, followed by their stares glazing over, followed by occasional nodding to imply understanding.

But no more! Today, there is a Tub full of excitement in the Barn (I thoroughly apologize for this pun, I know it’s awful, I…I just can’t help myself sometimes…) There is a hope from a fan base desperate for any semblance of hope. I love watching this team play. Colton Iverson and Ralph Sampson III are legit big men that will only get better as they start to shed their freshman jitters and grow into their bodies. Al Nolen is scary quick, often times beating people to the hoop already sagging off of him by 4 or 5 feet. We also have a seemingly limitless supply of capable shooting guards and forwards that Tubby can rotate in and out as he pleases, often times going 10 or 11 men deep as the game progresses.

The great thing is, this is not a fluke. Tubby is a proven recruiter and game planner. He has the team buying into his ball hawking/help side defensive scheme. He also has kept the two best in-state prospects for the 2009 recruiting class, in the freakishly athletic Rodney Williams and the solid Royce White, landing us a top 10 recruiting class. I cannot fathom this team not being a Bracket Buster for as long as Tubby decides to grace us with his presence. For every blood vessel that pops every Vikings game I watch, for every ulcer that is forthcoming due to Sebastian “Seabass” Telfair’s biological need to turn the ball over, I have Tubby. In Tubby we trust.