Twins Talk

As I sat at the Twins game on Tuesday night, I noted that no other human being projected the “I am a slap hitter vibe” more than Nyjer Morgan. I called him a poor man’s Juan Pierre, a rich man’s Otis Nixon. I mocked his high socks and baggy pants. I laughed at the fact he had no home runs in 200+ at bats this year. Then, bam, over the baggy. Everyone around me mocked me profusely, and rightfully so. I now will add Nyjer Morgan to athletes I hate for an irrational reason. (Really?? This guy hit a home run?? Really????)

Two old men behind me thought they were freakin’ hilarious at the game too. A hot dog vendor was pitching his hot dogs up and the one old man says, (very sarcastic tone) “Whatcha got there…Hormel???” (rowdy old people laughter ensues) “I only eat Oscar Meyer!” (more obnoxious old man laughter, followed by me shaking my head and burying said head in my hands in shame for being in such close proximity to such an event) If anyone can explain how this would be remotely funny to any human being, please try to explain… I’m at a loss for words.

Umm… Joe Mauer is really really good. I’m not sure if pitchers are trying anymore. They are just throwing it in there, thinking he’ll probably get a hit anyway. Seriously… this is ridiculous. Nobody should make a mockery of professional pitching like he is currently doing.

What a great day for Minnesota sports! Mchale’s tyrannous reign is over and Jesse Crain is riding a bus with his new teammates in AAA Rochester!!! Yes!!!!! I think an angel just got its wings. I might cry its so beautiful. I can now only pray that he stays down there…forever. Perhaps if we all pitched in we could buy a crane game from Chuck E. Cheese and send it to the Twins clubhouse. So if they ever feel the urge to call him back up, they could just waste a couple dollars, not get a stuffed animal, and remember what Mr. Crain brought to the table, nothing but pain and suffering.

I think it’s safe to say Fransisco Liriano is damaged goods. He just doesn’t have the same velocity he used to have, nor does he have the same bite on that slider of his. This isn’t 2006. Send him to the bullpen, send a message. He’s going to have to start locating like every other pitcher in the show that has average stuff. Because that’s what he has now, average stuff. The middle of the plate is no place for a 90 mph fastball with little to no movement, just like show business was no place for Christina Aguilera.

And did I already say Joe Mauer is really really good? Well if I didn’t, he is. Seriously. And have you ever seen Joe Mauer and Superman in the same room at the same time? Think about it.