Some Days I Just Question Mankind

I know the world has many real problems. Budgets aren't getting balanced, global markets are fragile, Jerry Sandusky isn't locked away forever yet. But today, I learned of a true travesty that really embodies what a crazy messed up, almost poetically and tragically retarded the world is.

Allow me to explain.

One of my favorite series of books is the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. He is an incredibly compelling hero in a variety of ways. He is a physically imposing ex Military Policeman with a history of violence and disobeying authority. He is a vagabond, intentionally nomadic because it is all that he knows. He is tragic in his flaws, but holds himself to a high moral code. So high is this moral code in fact, that he puts himself in physical danger to uphold what is right. . He can also often be found dining at lonely diners seeking cheeseburgers and coffee at all hours of the day. He is 6 foot 5, 250 pounds, immensely knowledgable, sharp, pragmatic and complex.

They are going to make a film based on one of my favorites, "One Shot." My father recently found this out, and told me Tom Cruise was going to be in the new One Shot movie. I told him, "Cool, who is going to play Reacher?" The horrific answer: Tom Cruise.

Let's get the obvious out of the way first: Tom Cruise is generously listed at 5'7" and 160 pounds. Fail. How can a character where so much of who he is, what he can do, and what he does is because he is so physically imposing be played by a man who can only be described as "fun sized??"

Fact number 2: Tom Cruise is insane. Jack Reacher is a no-nonsense straight shooter with a good sense of self and the world. Tom Cruise follows a "religion" in Scientology that was created by a science fiction writer that talks of lord Xenu and ancient alien souls being trapped and subsequently released from volcanoes. Somewhere between a cult and ponzi scheme, Cruise vehemently defends his beliefs when he is not jumping on Oprah's couch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znsXA2aTXCE Please.

Reacher would celebrate like a man, damnit...

Fact number 3. Tom Cruise is a shitty actor. His acting prowess ranges from (see below)

a) narcissistic sports agent

b)narcissistic friend of the handicapable

c)narcissistic white samurai

d) homosexual pilot...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Whomever was/is responsible for Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher should never have a job again. I can't think of a bigger slap in the face to Reacher fans or mankind. Because when I think of Tom Cruise, the last thing I think of is badass:

May Xenu have mercy on our souls...

Weezer and Me

I don't know how I have had this blog for so long and not had an extensive Weezer-related post. It seems in the inevitability category along the lines of the Ashton/Demi Moore marriage ending in divorce, or my NBA predictions bursting into flames like Fawkes the Phoenix (sigh).

Warning: This posts gets pretty long. I just have a lot to say about Weezer. Weezer is great.

Weezer is my favorite band. That is to say they WERE my favorite band. I don't listen to them as much as I did in the past, especially not some of the new material, but that's not to say they still aren't my favorite band...because they ARE... because of what they were, and because of what they've meant to me. (I've reread this paragraph about 5 times just now and understand it makes no sense, but upon the 6th reading it might... I stand by it)

Rivers Cuomo and I have a complex relationship despite never having met. It is so strange how people we never meet and who never intended intentionally to impact your life can have such a grip over your mood, your person, your ideals (see Childress, Brad). But, nonetheless I have identified with Rivers's thoughts, dreams, and fears as chronicled through song throughout the years. Blue Album and Pinkerton embodied his plight as a socially conscious neurotic young 20 something Harvard drop out. His outlook on life mirrored my own when I started getting into them during my awkward (whose aren't?)teen years. It made his music so relatable in that it wasn't just empty words and a catchy beat, but rather almost a narrative of his life. As he expressed his dismay over how he felt truly safe alone in his garage writing music, or how he was honestly just tired of sex, you in a strange way were able to pity his struggle and use it to relate to your own.

Chuck Klosterman had an interesting take on Rivers in his book "Eating the Dinosaur" in this same vein that resonated with me. His contention was essentially that Rivers' lyrics are the most literal of any band. He is not trying to have these lyrics be directly relatable to you like other bands (Springsteen comes to mind in terms of blatant pandering) but rather are void of true metaphor or imperonal presence. (I truly only could dissent on "Undone (the sweater song) in that the entire song is a metaphor, but still...his point is solid) Any ability for you to relate is thus not because of Rivers's conscious thought process of attempting to appeal to the masses.

This is most important is terms of how many fans, myself included, have felt increasingly detached to the more recent works of Weezer. I have for some time complained that Rivers is selling out with obnoxious songs like "Beverly Hills" and "Can't Stop Partying". What happened to my Rivers of old?? The answer: He got older. He had different inspirations. He has a family. He has a kid. He is becoming increasingly comfortable in his own skin, and embracing his rock star status.

He is actually doing the exact OPPOSITE of selling out because he is still producing songs that represent his inner most thoughts and feelings. Those ideals and contextualization of the world around him just aren't the same as they once were. We can't expect Rivers to attempt to connect to the Blue Album/Pinkerton fan base with new songs because to do so wouldn't be genuine and wouldn't be Weezer. You can see his increasing confidence throughout Green Album and Maladroit (Keep Fishin/Dope Nose/Don't Let Go/Photograph), with flagship songs decidedly more upbeat and carefree carrying into Red Album and Raditude.

I have seen Weezer twice live and comparing the two performances in hindsight I realized just how black and white they were. I first saw them with PK at first ave when I was a sophomore in high school when they were touring for "Make Believe", which was about to come out in a month or so. It was such a strange band dynamic as Rivers sheepishly would introduce songs with Scott Shriner (bassist) getting revved up to his left, and during songs could be seen bouncing off the walls, and climbing on speakers, and Pat Wilson (drums) keepin' the beat with immense passion behind him. He had a bit of a smirk when many of the members of the audience would sing along with the songs that theoretically hadn't debuted yet, and all the while during the solo's (that usually mirrored the chorus, naturally) he would be strumming so calmly and meticulously, ensuring that he would not strike a note improperly.

I think this was the turning point album in terms of the aforementioned 20-something neuroticism (via the songs Perfect Situation and Peace most prominently) to the new-look Rivers, optimism is tow (via the songs We Are All on Drugs and Beverly Hills). The albums that we see after this one are much more plentiful with songs that could be best categorized with the latter.

The next show I saw with Log/Leah/Kelsey @ Xcel while promoting Red Album had showmanship abound, however. Rivers playfully used Weezer related props, like an old fashioned Weezer radio, and flaunted the bands matching jumpsuits around the stage. Some songs Rivers would play drums, and let Pat Wilson have the sing/lead guitar honors, (He allowed Brian Bell, Shriner and Wilson to all write a song on Red album, they are songs 7-9 on the album I believe, another thing the younger more power-hungry, less about band unity Rivers would not have done). When he soloed, he jammed, and we all jammed with him. He seemed so at peace with himself on stage as he interacted with the crowd, as opposed to almost ignoring them and attempting to pretend he was at a band rehersal.

It's basically taken me all this while to reach this conclusion (To paraphrase the great Denny Green) Rivers is who we thought he is! He is who we thought he is! Maybe Weezer doesn't frequent my "top 25 most played" list on my ipod as frequently as it used to. But that's ok. I will still like a faithful sheep purchase my "Hurley Extended Deluxe Edition" the day it comes out (like I did not long ago) and anything else Rivers throws my way. Because me and Rivers don't have to see eye to eye all the time, I can just savor and remember the times when we did.

It's more than me and David Kahn can say.

Survivorship

Attention less rock more talk faithful: It has officially been 1 year of blogging! 33 blog posts later we are still cooking with a readership of approximately my male friends. Having acknowledged this, I feel compelled to let you know what has been bugging me for some time, and have only now been able to accurately put into words:

I and several others have discussed the intrinsic quality that many people/characters just do not possess, being a survivor. It is obvious in some films that certain characters are going to die.

Soon.

3 Not-Survivor types

The “Arst” Type:
This, no doubt poorly developed character has been introduced much later into the show/movie than any reasonable character should be. They are uninteresting and clearly are there to die in a humiliating way. For those of you unfamiliar (how dare you) Dr. Arst was introduced some 20 episodes into the show just in time for the gang to discover some old dynamite they would like to use. As he attempts to explain the dangers of dynamite, boom- little chunks of him are strewn er’where. Followed by the line- “Dude you have some Arst on you.”

The “Black guy in an older movie that has some underlying racism type”
Often stereotyped, and probably now cliché, it still has merit. Sure as the first round of voting in “The Weakest Link” the minority has got to go. I can’t say I condone it. I have just come to accept it. At least in a movie the guy only has to have a rod stuck through his chest, or something of the like, rather that hearing an old british wench make a snooty snippet at him/her as they must leave the arena (Underrated, but ultimately doomed to fail show).

The “Too sassy for their own good type”
Likely a loud latina woman, or a proud asian. This person clearly has overstepped their bounds at every turn. Definitely not a survivor. They’re overall gung ho attitude simply cannot be backed up by their lack of girth and common sense. They shall not be missed, nor mentioned in the credits.

3 Survivor types

Type 1: The “I am sexy but in a spunky kind of way, and am somewhat flirting with the/ am the main character and thus the male viewing audience is intrigued type”
Look for them to be wearing khaki, and perhaps have something tied around their waist. Hair tied back a must!! See: Anything with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Gardner, Kelly Brook (if british), Famke Janssen (if mutant/have superpowers) Julia Roberts (If blind, deaf, dumb, handicapped).

Type 2: The “Muscles McBang Bang type”
You are clearly cut in ways the human body should not be. You have vast amounts of exotic and deadly weapons at your disposal. Yeah, you are surviving and everyone freakin’ knows it. And who are they to say you’re not a survivor anyway? They are ants do you hear me??? Ants!!?!!? Do you know what we do to ants?!?? (Releasing Battle Cry)

Type 3: The “Tom Cruise in a movie that rythmes with The Ghast Lamurai type”
In this type of movie Tom Cruise is adopted into a friendly Samurai culture and taught ancient traditions. He is at first a hard-nosed ass, but softens up and gains perspective on life in the process. This type of person is a survivor because apparently bullets are racist (I see a theme Hollywood). I know Tom Cruise is probably comparable in height to a small Pomeranian, but cmon- If:
a)You lead a charge of barely armed men into battle

b) You get shot at by various types of machine guns/high powered weapons
c) You see everyone else around you die, and then kill your new best friend to put him out of his misery
You probably too should die. But, the fightin’ pygmy scientologist lives to see another day, thus is our survivor type 3.

Classic Tom

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good:

I just watched the movie, “The Hangover” and wow, it was absolute perfection. It had a certain quirky pace and cadence to it that is unparalleled in today’s comedies. I, like many others have had a few laughs at the Paul Rudd/Seth Rogan empire on comedy. They have produced some quality films, but each are getting a tad redundant (see Zach and Miri make a porno, for example).

Zach Galifianakis is phenomenal in this movie. This should be his coming out party as he has been an incredibly underrated comedian for too long. His casting with Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Justin Bartha make for the perfect quartet of crazy (or wolfpack, for those who have seen the film).

But I digress! The movie was incredibly outrageous, and definitely deserved its R rating and then some, but you go to the movies to be entertained, and be entertained you shall! This blogger gives it 4 out of 4 stars. I tried really hard not to get specific in this encouragement to go watch this movie again and again if you have not already done so!

The Bad:

Utilizing my Netflix prescription, I recently took a gamble on the movie “Derailed”. It may have been one of the worst decisions of my young life. It was boring, and anti-climactic. It had random subplots that were never really addressed (his daughters diabetes??) Those of you who were tricked into thinking you might be renting a suspenseful thriller can feel my pain.

Jennifer Aniston gave us her typical blah performance. Hell, she got out-acted by each of the dogs used to make “Marley and Me”, so why should this time have been any different? The plot was incredibly predictable, and at times ridiculously far-fetched. *note- if you actually intend to watch this pile of @#$% despite my plea, stop reading now, major spoilers ahead*

Ok… plot flaws-

1) Why is Clive Owen’s character paying this jackass ALL OF HIS SAVINGS, (including money saved for the previously mentioned random diabetes side plot) just to not tell his wife he cheated on her, once, sort of, WHEN THE GUY HE’S PAYING HAS NO PROOF AT ALL. (pardon the all caps, it is just sooo egregious)

2) How was he not convicted, or even questioned more heavily in the death of Winston. His DNA was all over that car, and he was a prime suspect, interviewed by the black detective, and with no legit alibi. There is no way he gets away completely scot free. This is the 21st century. Detectives have crime labs at their disposal with incredibly sophisticated techniques that would leave him about 0% chance of them not knowing he was at the scene after his brilliant tactics of paying off hookers and almost pushing the car into a river.

3) Sweet plot twist with Aniston’s character being in on the whole scheme. That totally fooled me, it was like, whoa, did NOT see the only possible plot twist coming. Also, maybe you should have shot the first half of the movie and told her she was innocent, and then dropped the “plot twist” on her, so she can “act” accordingly. Seriously, terrible.

4) Since when does the bumbling borderline mentally challenged Charles Schine (Clive Owen’s character) go from Rain man to Rambo? He was a totally believable sap, but come on. No way he outwits the man conning him. Zero chance. Also, Clive Owen is the worst protagonist in an action movie ever. So why make a new movie, “The International”, as though anyone thinks he is cool with a gun in his hand. I think the best way to describe his serious face, is 1/3 angry because he’s never been loved, 1/3 bewildered, and 1/3 constipated. (you know its bad when I’m begging for a Paul Walker sighting)

In summary, I really really want 2 hours of my life back.

The Ugly: Renee Zellweger.

Gross.

C0dE BreAkER

Nicholas Cage is really starting to wear thin on me. I could tolerate him for a brief part of his career. He is a borderline mediocre actor who has made movies of the like. But, he has type casted himself into the oddest of genres. He has decided to exclusively do movies about code breaking. I was ok with the first national treasure (mostly because of the gratuitous presidential references, but let’s not go there…I love presidents). I mean it was a nice story held together by some cheap gags, and the nerdy guy, Riley, making dry remark time after time.




Next, enter National Treasure 2. Ok a little redundant. But, you know, who am I to judge? They probably made a nice chunk of change, and hey, sequels get made all the time. I am not going to get bent out of shape over this.


But, after seeing the new trailer for the new movie Knowing I have had enough. Coppola has really outdone himself here. But wait!! I thought this article was about Nicholas Cage?!? It is. As many of you know, and some of you are about to know, he is actually the nephewof Francis Ford Coppola. He changed his name so people wouldn’t know that he really hasn’t just been riding the coattails of his uncle for his entire existence. I would like to dub this the “Drew Barrymore Complex,” where people are overrated actors because of who their relatives are/were, and would never make it on talent alone ever.
The premise of knowing is…get this… “Nicholas Cage sees a pattern/code that nobody else sees and saves us all!!” Is Hollywood even trying anymore? This is just a slap in the face. I have already seen this movie, twice. I do not need to see it again. I can only imagine that Cage/Coppola is actually going crazy in real life “Beautiful Mind” style and this is the only way that they could continue to make movies with him. In fact, he is not acting, he probably thinks that this is real life.


I can see it now. (Out to lunch with a friend)
(friend) “So I hear you are making a new movie”
(Nicky) - “Yeah I am- wait a second…Do you see that?”
“See…see what Nick, it’s just you and me here.”
“Your napkin! There is a serious of…. Numbers, greek letters, binary code…it’s no… it cannot be… It is my duty to take this challenge! I will save you cruel world!!” (sprints out of restaurant, napkin in hand, wild look in his eyes…)
(friend) “My god….” (then he vanishes)


Oh yeah did I mention he was his invisible friend?!? Snaps! Even that potentially 15 second snippet would be better than the filth that is being thrown our way right now. So please, do not see knowing, for if you do Nic Cage will decipher the code to make another code breaking movie.

X-Men!

I raided the Wal-Mart $5 movie bin the other day. In there they had many a great old classics which I purchased, such as Big Daddy, Donnie Darko, and as you may have already guessed, X-Men. Not only were no less than 17 “mom and pop” shops run out of business by this purchase, I also had purchased a memorable film viewing in X-Men.




First of all, let me establish that if you have never sarcastically tried to pick out every flaw a movie has aloud with a friend, go rent a movie and do it immediately. It is the tops.
Let’s break down the matchup:

“Good Guys”

Professor Xavier (Can control stuff with his mind, easily the best power)
Wolverine (Badass)
Cyclops (Ok, but worthless without his little sunglasses)
Storm (An excuse to work Halle Berry into the film…I’m ok with it if you are)
Rogue (Loner that everyone wishes would go away, basically worthless)
That other chick (you can tell how much research goes into my posts…it’s because I care… You know the one that can also control stuff with her mind but not as well as Xavier)

Vs. the “Bad Guys”

Magneto (self explanatory- easily the 2nd best power)
Frog-guy (pathetic excuse for an x-man)
Mystique (a chameleon, really magneto’s only legitimate side kick)
And lastly, Sabretooth. Sabretooth is hilarious. There is a reason he is not in the sequel. Really X-Men? This is our evil super powerful villain? Everyone else has a legitimate super power. Some are lamer than others but that is neither here nor there. Sabretooth though, it’s like he’s kinda strong…I guess. I mean he’s big he has to be strong. He cannot compete against the others and their real super powers. It’s embarrassing. He is not a part of the X-Men, he is just a sort of big hairy guy. I think he actually hurts his team every time he does anything (insert standard Sebass Telfair joke here)

I think the next X-Men should feature the return of Sabretooth, where he starts his own Mutant boarding school for mutants with limited/not substantial powers. I can see it now, with his sidekick 20/10 vision boy, and maybe Meg Griffin from family guy, if anyone out there recalls the episode where she develops the power to grow her fingernails really fast. I think the Sabretooth-Meg metaphor is spot on but I feel further elaboration and comparison is for another time.

"I am a pathetic excuse for a mutant"- Sabretooth

The Name is Bland, James Bland

I must say, I am supremely disappointed with the direction the James Bond franchise is going. Growing up with Pierce Brosnan as Bond has given me certain criteria for what makes James Bond great. He is suave, sophisticated, polished, charming and smart. He need not outmuscle what he can outwit and outmaneuver. But whoever is writing the current James Bond plots needs to go.

The supporters of the new bond over the old bond seem to be preaching that this new bond is better because it is “realistic.” The problem with that is that James Bond is not meant to be a realistic franchise. In real life one British guy is not taking down elaborate plots to destroy the world with a couple of gadgets and a silenced pistol. But he always does and we love it. This new bond manages to combine atrocious plots with unrealistic sequences, and then follow it up with dialogue that would make The Drew Carey Show seem witty.

The Daniel Craig “chip on my shoulder” Bond is not Bond. It is not the way it was meant to be. I was trying to figure out what his half confused half angry look reminded me of, and it came to me. The look is the exact same as the look Paul Walker uses in roughly every scene in “The Fast and the Furious."

( I am tempted to make several ONE LOOK Zoolander references right now, but I will refrain, I might not be able to stop if I get started)

Furthermore, the plot of “Quantum of Solace” was quite simply appalling. They use the “Oh by the way, did we mention the guy Bond nabbed from the last movie was actually innocent?” cop out and do not elaborate at all, which was frustrating. The girl in this movie was a slap in the face to audiences everywhere. Here is her role in the plot as I see it. Her jerk-off boyfriend tries to have her killed and fails, she comes back to confront him, where he gives her up to some sort of Guerrilla leader to be raped and killed. After she escapes, she GOES BACK TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN, where would have thrown her off a balcony if not for the timely Bond. Wow. Talk about an ridiculous plot. Just wow.

But, my all time favorite scene of the movie is near the end where Bond has just saved that girl who was being assaulted by the aforementioned Guerrilla leader/dictator (whoever he was). So that guy is dead, and she is obviously traumatized, so Bond decides to have a touching moment where he comforts her for a good 15 seconds. Here’s the problem… THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE. This is no time to aid those in morning, Run! Get the f%#@ out of there! (this is a family-friendly page) The building is on fire.

For the sake of my sanity I will not elaborate on the awful chase scene where bond eludes fighter jets with the plane built by the Wright brothers, and other equally annoying scenes, and concede that the Pierce is not coming back, and that the Bond franchise will continue to make more and more money even as the movies get worse and worse.

James Bond's new plane of choice

If There's a Will There's a Way

What happened to you Will Ferrell?

You were one of the most original comics of the new millennium. You could handle being an Elf in the movie by the same name, being a diabolical mastermind trying to kill the prime minister of Malaysia in Zoolander, and the exceptional portraying of the lovable Frank the Tank in Old School. Very few people have made me the laugh in so many different ways.

That is why I have been so frustrated with the recent Will Ferrell movies. It is like he is not even trying anymore. Sure, they have a few cheap laughs, but they are all just because of the how far-fetched and ridiculous the punch line was. It appears as though Will has run out of ideas. The hackneyed script involving the border-line mediocre John C. Reilly at his side, or Will sporting ridiculous sports apparel has got to go.

Try it. Watch Blades of Glory/Semi-Pro/Talladega Nights back to back to back. You might weep. It is as though the previous movie’s plot was Xeroxed, new actors inserted and a few new cheap gags thrown in for good measure.

Not only are the plots way too predictable, the characters that Ferrell plays are painfully similar.

I am picturing the script writers pitching the idea:

1st writer: “Quick thought, what if Will was a somewhat dim-witted man who made it big in spite of his faults while maintaining an eerie innocence as he crashed and burned, then rose again?”

2nd writer “It’s pure gold! Wait didn’t we just do that?”

1st writer: “No in that one he was a feebleminded nitwit who dramatically goes through ups and downs while trying to remain virtuous.”

2nd writer: “Ah of course, apples and oranges baby! We got a winner!”

I know that this repetition is true of most actors and actresses. Very few can defy the type-cast of their first character that makes it big. But I thought Will would be different. He is too talented to keep letting himself be associated with these dull uninspired scripts.

So go out and find something worthy of your comedic expertise Will. I know you can, because you’ve done it so many times before. Maybe start with another well placed cameo, such as in Wedding Crashers, and ease your way back into this.

Just resist the urge to put on that headband/ice skate/jock strap, and get back to doing what you do best, making me laugh.