The Name is Bland, James Bland

I must say, I am supremely disappointed with the direction the James Bond franchise is going. Growing up with Pierce Brosnan as Bond has given me certain criteria for what makes James Bond great. He is suave, sophisticated, polished, charming and smart. He need not outmuscle what he can outwit and outmaneuver. But whoever is writing the current James Bond plots needs to go.

The supporters of the new bond over the old bond seem to be preaching that this new bond is better because it is “realistic.” The problem with that is that James Bond is not meant to be a realistic franchise. In real life one British guy is not taking down elaborate plots to destroy the world with a couple of gadgets and a silenced pistol. But he always does and we love it. This new bond manages to combine atrocious plots with unrealistic sequences, and then follow it up with dialogue that would make The Drew Carey Show seem witty.

The Daniel Craig “chip on my shoulder” Bond is not Bond. It is not the way it was meant to be. I was trying to figure out what his half confused half angry look reminded me of, and it came to me. The look is the exact same as the look Paul Walker uses in roughly every scene in “The Fast and the Furious."

( I am tempted to make several ONE LOOK Zoolander references right now, but I will refrain, I might not be able to stop if I get started)

Furthermore, the plot of “Quantum of Solace” was quite simply appalling. They use the “Oh by the way, did we mention the guy Bond nabbed from the last movie was actually innocent?” cop out and do not elaborate at all, which was frustrating. The girl in this movie was a slap in the face to audiences everywhere. Here is her role in the plot as I see it. Her jerk-off boyfriend tries to have her killed and fails, she comes back to confront him, where he gives her up to some sort of Guerrilla leader to be raped and killed. After she escapes, she GOES BACK TO TALK TO HIM AGAIN, where would have thrown her off a balcony if not for the timely Bond. Wow. Talk about an ridiculous plot. Just wow.

But, my all time favorite scene of the movie is near the end where Bond has just saved that girl who was being assaulted by the aforementioned Guerrilla leader/dictator (whoever he was). So that guy is dead, and she is obviously traumatized, so Bond decides to have a touching moment where he comforts her for a good 15 seconds. Here’s the problem… THE BUILDING IS ON FIRE. This is no time to aid those in morning, Run! Get the f%#@ out of there! (this is a family-friendly page) The building is on fire.

For the sake of my sanity I will not elaborate on the awful chase scene where bond eludes fighter jets with the plane built by the Wright brothers, and other equally annoying scenes, and concede that the Pierce is not coming back, and that the Bond franchise will continue to make more and more money even as the movies get worse and worse.

James Bond's new plane of choice