Survivorship

Attention less rock more talk faithful: It has officially been 1 year of blogging! 33 blog posts later we are still cooking with a readership of approximately my male friends. Having acknowledged this, I feel compelled to let you know what has been bugging me for some time, and have only now been able to accurately put into words:

I and several others have discussed the intrinsic quality that many people/characters just do not possess, being a survivor. It is obvious in some films that certain characters are going to die.

Soon.

3 Not-Survivor types

The “Arst” Type:
This, no doubt poorly developed character has been introduced much later into the show/movie than any reasonable character should be. They are uninteresting and clearly are there to die in a humiliating way. For those of you unfamiliar (how dare you) Dr. Arst was introduced some 20 episodes into the show just in time for the gang to discover some old dynamite they would like to use. As he attempts to explain the dangers of dynamite, boom- little chunks of him are strewn er’where. Followed by the line- “Dude you have some Arst on you.”

The “Black guy in an older movie that has some underlying racism type”
Often stereotyped, and probably now cliché, it still has merit. Sure as the first round of voting in “The Weakest Link” the minority has got to go. I can’t say I condone it. I have just come to accept it. At least in a movie the guy only has to have a rod stuck through his chest, or something of the like, rather that hearing an old british wench make a snooty snippet at him/her as they must leave the arena (Underrated, but ultimately doomed to fail show).

The “Too sassy for their own good type”
Likely a loud latina woman, or a proud asian. This person clearly has overstepped their bounds at every turn. Definitely not a survivor. They’re overall gung ho attitude simply cannot be backed up by their lack of girth and common sense. They shall not be missed, nor mentioned in the credits.

3 Survivor types

Type 1: The “I am sexy but in a spunky kind of way, and am somewhat flirting with the/ am the main character and thus the male viewing audience is intrigued type”
Look for them to be wearing khaki, and perhaps have something tied around their waist. Hair tied back a must!! See: Anything with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Gardner, Kelly Brook (if british), Famke Janssen (if mutant/have superpowers) Julia Roberts (If blind, deaf, dumb, handicapped).

Type 2: The “Muscles McBang Bang type”
You are clearly cut in ways the human body should not be. You have vast amounts of exotic and deadly weapons at your disposal. Yeah, you are surviving and everyone freakin’ knows it. And who are they to say you’re not a survivor anyway? They are ants do you hear me??? Ants!!?!!? Do you know what we do to ants?!?? (Releasing Battle Cry)

Type 3: The “Tom Cruise in a movie that rythmes with The Ghast Lamurai type”
In this type of movie Tom Cruise is adopted into a friendly Samurai culture and taught ancient traditions. He is at first a hard-nosed ass, but softens up and gains perspective on life in the process. This type of person is a survivor because apparently bullets are racist (I see a theme Hollywood). I know Tom Cruise is probably comparable in height to a small Pomeranian, but cmon- If:
a)You lead a charge of barely armed men into battle

b) You get shot at by various types of machine guns/high powered weapons
c) You see everyone else around you die, and then kill your new best friend to put him out of his misery
You probably too should die. But, the fightin’ pygmy scientologist lives to see another day, thus is our survivor type 3.

Classic Tom