P.S. I think we will go in alphabetical order, because it's my blog and I'm lazy to come up with a creative way of doing it.
P.P.S. When it says "Tor and Sarv" It means we agreed, but I wrote it so don't hold Sarvey accountable for the filth that follows.
ARIZONA CARDINALS 7 Wins: Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 2-6
(Quick note for gambling novices, -110 is the classic "juice" meaning if one were to actually place a bet at a casino you would be betting 110 dollars to win 100. Conversely if you see something like +150, it means for every 100 dollars you wager you win 150.)
Tor + Sarv: Under. I don't trust Kevin Kolb, and their secondary is shit. Having said that, they do play in the NFC West so I wasn't uber confident in this pick. Regardless, I took the under, Larry Fitz can't throw the rock to himself...yet.
ATLANTA FALCONS 10 Wins Over -110/Under-110
Current Record: 5-3
Tor and Sarv- Over. This team is one of the biggest enigmas. They haven't impressed me in any game yet. I believed in the Matt Ryan to Roddy White/Julio Jones/Grandpa Tony Gonzalez combo. I believed in Michael Turner. Time will tell.
BALTIMORE RAVENS 10.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 5-2
Tor- Under. Michael Oher doesn't actually have Sandra Bullock around to inspire him, and he doesn't even protect the blind side anymore. Oh, and Ray Lewis is running for AARP treasurer.
Sarv- Over. With the division they play in winning 6 out of their last 8 will be tough but if Flacco can move the ball down the field, limit his turnovers, and Terrell Suggs continues to “sizzle” they have a shot.
BUFFALO BILLS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record 5-3
Tor- Under. Um... mulligan??
Sarv- Over: Is it just me or do the Bills remind anyone else of the team from the movie The Replacements? A bunch of nobodies a year ago (started 0-8 last year) lead by a down-to-earth white QB that start playing well together. Gene Hackman even looks a little bit like Chan Gailey. Great movie. Anyway..
CAROLINA PANTHERS 4.5 Wins Over-125/Under +105
Current Record: 2-6
Tor- Over. Because I thought Cam Newton would be frisky. (Vince Young 8.0??) Because their defense could be adequate. Because I was hoping for a comeback year from Steve Smith (looking that way). I'm diggin' this pick. I don't care what that sneaky sonofagun Sarvey says dammit!
Sarv: Yeah Cam Newton’s been playing well but they’re only 2-6 on the season and 5 out of their last 8 are on the road. Oh yeah, and 7 out of their last 8 are against teams with winning records. Lock it up.
CHICAGO BEARS 8.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150
Current Record: 4-3
Tor and Sarv- Under. This was one of the most fashionable unders out there. The Bears overachieved by ever sabermetric angle last year, and Jay Cutler... I mean, is there anything more awesome then having some coin on Jay Cutler failing? Cmon, seriously. It's...it's just the tops.
CINCINNATI BENGALS: 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 6-2
Tor: Over. I must admit, I told Sarvey this is the one I was least confident in of the ones we disagreed on. But who cares? Andy Dalton aka the Red Rocket is a stud! And they no longer have the record for most arrests in the last 10 years, Chris Cook helped the Vikings take that title! Skollll Vikings at least we are winners at something.
Sarvey: Under-The Bengals are 6-2!? Really!? Did not expect a team lead by two rookies to start out this well, especially with a shortened off-season. And didn’t Carson Palmer have essentially the same team last year and they went 4-12? The Raiders must’ve missed that red flag... oh and this one.CLEVELAND BROWNS 6.5 wins Over+130/Under -150
Current Record: 3-5Tor and Sarv- Over: I know Colt McCoy sounds like a cowboy from a childrens show contrived by an LSD ridden paranoid schizophrenic, but I believed in him. That is all.
DALLAS COWBOYS 9 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 4-4
Tor and Sarv- Over. I like Tony Romo. No homo. Also, I still think they are supremely talented, and all that jazz. Plus Wade Phillips is gone. He looked more confused last season that 70% of America at the end of LOST, thus I thought Jason Garrett would be worth 2 extra wins alone
DENVER BRONCOS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 3-5
Tor and Sarv: Over. Elvis Dumervil back is/was huge. Kyle Orton is underrated. I'm still not sold they can't get to 6 wins. But now having to root for Tebow makes me a sad Panda...
DETROIT LIONS 8 Wins Over +130/Under -150
Current Record: 6-2
Tor: Under. I didn't think Stafford or Best could stay healthy. Their secondary is still... a little suspect! But hey, kudos to the Lions. Side note, which was a bigger fuck you to their fan bases, Matt Mcmillan doing play by play, or Tim Brewster being a sideline reporter? It's like FOX is trying to induce homicidal rage.
Sarv: Over. Things I know about the Lions:
1) Calvin Johnson and Ndamaka Suh are good at football.
2) If Stafford stays healthy they will be in the hunt for the post-season.
3) http://www.totalpackers.com/2010/06/25/matthew-staffords-broad-is-still-hot/
GREEN BAY PACKERS 11.5 Wins Over+105/Under-120
Current Record: (Unable to disclose)
Tor and Sarv: Under. It's hard to want to root for the packers, and 12 wins is a lot of wins to get. All it takes is one awkward landing of Aaron Rodgers knee and you've won the bet. Having said that, if I were to actually pick 5 of these to bet on at the start of the season, these high end ones, (Packers and Pats) and low end ones (Panthers/Bills etc) feel too volatile to me to actually know how the heck to bet them.
HOUSTON TEXANS 8.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 9.5 Wins Over-140/Under+120
Records: 6-3 and 0-9 Respectively
Tor and Sarv: Texans Over/Colts Under I'm tackling these two in one fell swoop. I heard stories from ESPN insiders like "Peyton Manning can't turn his neck even a little bit" a month before the season started. and that "Peyton may or may not be flying to Germany to get stem cell treatment." Even though just rumors it made me wayyyy out on the Colts, and looking at the rest of the division, in on the Texans by default. The Manning to Painter drop off is just too dramatic. And for goodness sake somebody tell Curtis Painter they aren't casting for Remember the Titans 2, so drop the stupid Sunshine act...
JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 6.5 Games Over Even/Under -120
Current Record: 2-6
Tor and Sarv: Under. This was before they cut David Garrard, but even with him, no real wide recievers in a pass happy league, incredibly average defense at best, don't see how they would have/will get to 7 wins, felt like a very poor man's Vikings to me.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 8 Wins Over +135/Under-155
Current Record: 4-4
Tor Under. Matt Cassel isn't even that good when completely healthy. I know Adam can give up a rib for eve and be just fine, but I Arrowhead ain't no Eden! But seriously, they have no depth, and we can see that as the injuries have decimated this team.
Sarv: Over. Surprisingly, even without Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs find themselves tied for first place in the West with 4 wins. Not surprisingly, all Dwayne Bowe fantasy team names are still annoying and dumb.
MIAMI DOLPHINS 7.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130
Current Record: 1-7
Tor and Sarv: Under. This was my "lock" of the year pick, or whatever gag they use on ESPN currently to display confidence in picks. They decided it'd be a good idea to overpay for Reggie Bush, prompting Saints fans everywhere to laugh uncontrollably. I think their biggest issue, besides Brandon Marshall bipolar jokes, are this team is simply put Jason Bourne. No identity. They are mediocre across the board, and this league you have to do at least one thing well. This team made no sense on paper, and makes no sense in real life.
MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7 Wins Over+110/Under-130
Current Record: 2-6
Tor: Over I stand by this pick. The Vikings could very very easily been 3-2 through 5 games, in fact every team that put up their first half numbers in the first three games of the year were 3-0, so 0-3 was simply a statistical anomaly. Or so I tell myself when I cry myself to sleep every Sunday night.
Sarvey: Under. Wait, Spielman paid $7.25 million for a QB to play 6 games that got benched in favor of Rex Grossman last year!?
NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 11.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130
Current Record: 5-3
Tor: Over, Bill Belicheat is the best at misinterpreting ze rules! He misinterprets ze rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnqQhUdXgvI
Oh and Tom Brady.
Sarv: Under: The Patriots need to win 7 out of 8 to get to 12 wins. In other news, Tedi Bruschi theme songs are chill: http://cwyattle.tumblr.com/
NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 10 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Tor and Sarv: Over. Just because the city's dried off doesn't mean I think their team will cool down. Sean Payton is one of the most underrated coaches out there, and they have an alive Drew Brees on their team, which has been known to help. So...yeah.
NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 9.5 Wins Over +150/Under-170Current Record: 6-2
Tor and Sarv: Under. When you are staring a -170 in the face, its hard to not see the writing on the wall. This was when they had approximately 1 healthy cornerback, and I'm pretty sure it was Jason Sehorn in black face. When do we see another great white cornerback? When do we even see another white cornerback? Mad props to Jason Sehorn.
NEW YORK JETS 10 Wins. Over +105/Under-125
Current Record: 5-3
Tor and Sarv: Over. I believed in the Rex Ryan. I thought the Sanchize would progress. I believe in the mystical land known as Revis Island.
THE OAKLAND FLYING AL DAVIS CORPSE RAIDERS 7 Wins. Over-110/Under-110
Tor and Sarv: Under. I don't know what the title above means either. I...I mean they seem so dysfunctional, how can you pick the over. New head coach, same dead owner, the only difference is now he's really dead. (editors note: I wrote the following rant, and the next day Bill Simmons made the same point on his podcast, I have officially synced up brains with him in a horribly creepy way where I know where he is going before he is. Cue up Sting singing "I'll be missing you") I hate this Michael Jackson type death, where everyone is just BASHING this cat non. stop. for the last 10 years of their lives, yet when they die everyone praises them to no end like they are Mother Teresa. I know its fashionable to compliment the dead, but just don't bash them so profusely when they are alive then. Thats it. The end. Whew.
Philadelphia Eagles 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110
Current Record: 3-4
Tor: Over. Remember that Tony Danza movie, "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon?" That was pretty cool.
Sarv: Under.
Will all the hype surrounding the Eagles before the season started I think the players thought they were better than they actually were. Not to mention that the Eagles against the run are about as effective as Michael Cuddyer’s ability to hit a right-handers curveball.
Awful Twins metaphors aside, it’s been a disappointing season so far for “the dream team.” Andy Reid can hardly show his face.
Pittsburgh Steelers 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110
Current Record: 5-2Tor and Sarv: Over. I like Mike Tomlin. I like Big Ben (As a quarterback ladies...) And who is to argue against Troy Polamalu's flowing locks?? Their division is tough, but dammit I believe in them. Now go out there and give it all that you've got.
San Diego Chargers 10 Wins Over+115/Under-135
Current Record: 4-4
Tor and Sarv: Over. I never really know what to make of the Chargers. I know Phil Rivers is a dick somewhere in between Ari Gold and Jeremy Piven (Think about it, he's still maybe 94% of the jerk he is on TV...allegedly). I know Norv Turner game plans with hard alcohol at his side (It is the only explanation). But what really made me pick the over is I knew that of the Broncos, Raiders and Chiefs, none would really be all that great. Chargers at 11-5 sounded about right.
San Francisco 49ers 7.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 7-1
Tor: Under. Picking Alex Smith to win 8 games was just more than I could handle. I get that Harbaugh is a bauss of a coach, but cmon look at Alex Smith's career numbers 57.7% career completion %, 58tds/54ints, and 30 fumbles lost in 59 career games including his great start to this season. Couldn't do it.Seattle Seahawks 6 Wins Over-105/Under-115
Current Record: 2-6
Tor and Sarv: Under:
If you click on no other link, please select this one. It is all you need to know why the under was selected: http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/5bl0ooVQXpt/Seattle+Seahawks+v+San+Francisco+49ers/TMyPVbxPB2l/Tarvaris+Jackson
St. Louis Rams 7.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150Current Record: 1-7
Tor and Sarv: Over. I will again utilize my patented distraction tactic when my pick is so obviously flawed. The acronym RAM stands for Random Access Memory, a way for computers to store data. And remember when god sent that Ram so that Abraham wouldn't have to sacrafice Isaac? That was pretty dope.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8 Wins Over+130/Under-150
Current Record: 4-4
Tor and Sarv: Under. Josh Freeman can't come back everyyy week. Wide receivers are lacking, and Atlanta/N'Orleans/Carolina is a frisky division to have to wade through. I'm caulking the wagon on this one.
Tennessee Titans: 7 Wins Over+140/Under-120
Tor: Over
Because somebody in that division has to get wins dammit! Oh and Matt Hasselbeck summons strength from his rapidly receding hairline like Popeye does spinach (I'm allowed one truly awful Rick Reilly esque line per blog)
Sarv: Under: Hey Chris Johnson what’s going on with your game this year?
Chris Johnson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBgIlaTC0vo
Washington Redskins: 6 Wins Over-120 Under Even
Tor/Sarv: Over. Mike Shanahan turned Mike Anderson and Olandis Gary into fricking OJ Simpson without the whole double murder thing, he can do it in the nation's capital too.
Whew! If you are still reading this, you most certainly should see your local optomologist immediately. Hope it was fun to read, because it was fun to write. Enjoy the rest of the NFL season and happy gambling!
