Starbucks Revisited

Wayyy back when I was an upstart undergraduate anatomy student I wrote a small piece about my thoughts as a Starbucks greenhorn.  I didn't even like coffee at that time, I just wanted a place where I wouldn't be tempted by my Xbox when I ought to be learning origin/insertion/action/innervation of various muscles.   What I said then holds true today-- Starbucks is immensely quirky place to see a plethora of types of people.

 As I consider this through the lens of 24.5 year old me, I was left with no choice to utilize everyone's favorite blogging tactic: obscure categories. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Starbucks study session, but these are the kinds of people that make you say--well maybe studying at home ain't so bad? (Even though it's worse...because 3 hours of mariokart later I still haven't cracked open the binder) So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you my expert groupings of people you see when you are at Starbucks:

1)The starving artist honing his/her craft in public

What is the one thing all unsuccessful artists/singer/songwriter/author crave? Acknowledgement of their plight of course!  Nothing is better then fiddling around with variations of "Wonderwall" on your older brother's acoustic guitar with a beyond melted iced coffee sitting next to you that someone absent-mindedly threw a nickel into.  Wrangling between the various synonyms of justice that you could use for the title of your novel can only truly be done in public in a stereotypical "I'm brooding" position


Nobody cares about your protagonist.  He seems like a more boring Holden Caulfield anyways.


2)The business guy yapping loudly into his phone

"Yeah I'll...what's that--uh huh...Yeah the Dalton account...No Dalton with a D, like the Bengals quarterback...nevermind one sec--Yeah I'll have a venti dark roast black---No Tim Dalton...from corporate....Uh huh....no....correct....October 23rd....uh huh...Cindy...Cindy..No...Look just Cindy give me Tim's number....Yeah...Dalton!  Tim Dalton's number!  Like the Bengals...nevermind."  Attempts to ignore this individual will prove futile.



 Cindy still doesn't give a sh-- about football man!

3)The Study Group Where Nobody Wants To Be There.

They all just thought meeting in a non-threatening non-committal place would be ideal...False!  Watch as the soul gets sucked from their faces as a group member "just wants to go over the plan one last time".  Smile and laugh knowingly as you see one member of the group blatantly not pay attention to the ideas of others and put his/her feet onto a nearby coffee table a la breakfast club. Their collective project is no doubt doomed for failure.

For the last time, our font selection will have no bearing on our grade!

4)The Frequent Flier That is Angry at The Barista

Is this a frap-o-lato Mr. Roboto like I asked? Is this the vanilla caramel skim mochalatte de-lite?  Why isn't this at 294 degrees Kelvin as I requested??  This is among the worst of those you will encounter at Starbucks.  They often have a "Costanza wallet" if a male (very large for non-Seinfeld junkies) that exceeds the girth of Crete from east to west.  In it you will find crumpled bills of various nations from their travels, and punch cards from the ~20 restaurants they consider themselves to be regulars at.  This person will vehemently disparage anyone who disagrees with their various political stances with mini-rants that they typically plagiarize from "The Daily Show."  Avoid if possible.



Oh you think the correct ruling was made in the Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission decision?  Did your Super PAC tell you to say that? (Chortle).

5)The Free Wireless Leech

Usually a disheveled 30-something who is either "sticking it to the man" or doesn't want to "get addicted like you sheep."  Will be at Starbucks or another place with wi-fi roughly 6 days a week.  He will often be seen reading online newspapers he already subscribes to in print to "fact check".  Despite his reluctance to use the internet frequently he is often a part of a well respected World of Warcraft guild.  Grooming a minimum.  Approach with caution.


Picture of woman he convinced his mother he was in a long term online relationship with.

6) The That Guy is Creepy in an Undefinable Way

Always slightly pudgy. Never comically obese.  This person will seem to be tending to something of importance, but are only partially committed to the task like a mediocre spy with a newspaper.  If you accidentally snap out of a blank stare you will typically make inadvertent eye contact with this person.  This is a mistake.  There is a callous calm in those dead eyes that you can't really quantify....trance-like....Snap out of it man! They are often wearing something ironic like a Hawaiian shirt in winter time. May be found reading "The Prince" or "The Art of War." Often a cue that it is time to pack up and go.

Has cats named Sylvia, Morpheus and Seven.

7) The Two Girls Talking Voraciously About Inane Things.

Hands are moving about more quickly than deaf interpretation of UN speeches.  Topics range from boys that they think are cute, the likelihood of any of the aforementioned cute boys being attracted to them in some capacity (typically in descending order, starting with the male deemed most date-worthy), and/or things that the boys they find attractive are likely thinking about (Which in actuality these individuals are in no way actually reflecting upon).

A vast majority of these ludicrous statements are announced with a matter-of-fact tone that indicates to disagree with such statements would be absurd.  The second female companion will always nod, and when cued roll their eyes with regards to the preposterous behavior of the person in the story they just heard, perpetuating their vicious cycle of groupthink.  Hope you brought headphones...



Do not understand what groupthink is.  Decide it is likely a 90s boy band.  Wonder if groupthink will ever tour with 98 degrees.

Alex Trebek is the Greatest Man that Ever Lived

The following is a list of sorts I have devised to make the argument (which makes itself really) that Alex Trebek is the greatest man that ever lived.  Who has given more to society?  Who is more revered?  Who displays more class, poise, and refined elegance?  I can't think of anyone that even compares.

1) Being the longest tenured host of Jeopardy! is unto itself a major notch in his belt.  It is a beautifully crafted game show with the entire show's premise being to mess with you.  I mean giving you the answer then demanding the question?  Baller.  Classic Trebek.  And don't think for a SECOND he doesn't relish each and every opportunity to admonish a  novice for their blunder:  In this clip for instance, Trebek laughs maniacally at a contestant's (in his eyes) particularly egregious response:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIiirQrZRrQ

And don't think for a second Trebek won't call you a pussy in more or less words if you don't wager at least half of your stash for a daily double.  He will carefully total up the exact amount you would need to surpass a competitor/double an opponent's score and basically question the integrity of your character as a human if you don't wager said amount.  Watch an episode and observe his mastery in this technique--
 (Another aside)--And heaven help you if you goof a Shakespeare question.  Trebek will make you wish you had never agreed to be on national television if you suggest King Lear when it was OBVIOUSLY Hamlet.  Get a clue

Sample this subtle/tasty Trebek  dig:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8cMb1YTw-8

Only Trebek can so poignantly call you out in front of millions.

2) The dude speaks French....beautifully.  Imagine a flower that only blooms once every 1000 years, and when it does it radiates such color and beauty that communicating this beauty is unimaginable.  That is the feeling you get every time he snaps of a word of French.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxeDtb0uuPA

The video is labeled "over pronouncing" but what they meant was "swagging out of control".  Seriously, you know Trebek has MAD street cred.  Just saying.

3) Trebek is Canadian-- and damn proud of it.  He will drop a province on you so fast your head will spin.  Think you know Toronto?  You wouldn't know Toronto if was about to punch you in the face, which Trebek just might do if you cross him...leading me to my next point.

4) Alex Trebek at the age of 71 chased robber out of his hotel room in the middle of the night (granted it was  a 56 year old woman named Lucinda) doing so with such fervor that he tore his Achilles, but unlike Kobe Bryant he didn't beg for a phantom foul from the refs, he instead helped bring a criminal to justice.  --White Mamba--

5)This alluring, angelic, sublime, perfectly trimmed and meticulously maintained mustache:



'Nuff Said.

Banks Goes on Vacation

Banks was an ordinary man, nothing more, nothing less. It was 2 PM on a balmy Saturday and Banks was uncharacteristically chipper.  He was scurrying down vast bustling walkways as he sought out his gate. This was all thanks to the fact that Banks had been the 7th caller on 91.5's "Ham and the Buzz" morning radio broadcast and correctly identified the Prince classic "Little Red Corvette."  Banks was quite proud of the fact that it was this song in particular he had identified, for reasons mostly unknown to him. Lost in a mixture of sweat and satisfaction Banks didn't realize how profusely he had been clogging the moving walkway, to the dismay of an uncharacteristically small Armani suit enveloping a rather coarse business man.  Banks halfheartedly apologized, smirking to himself as he fought back various Danny Devito puns.  The man looked like Devito if he had lost 30 pounds, and redistributed that adipose tissue into a toupee that might get up and walk away.  It's Always Sunny in Rugadelphia....

There was a time when being seated right next to a baby would have been the undoing of Banks.  But with his recent discovery of Xanax meet Bloody Mary, he could deal with the confused and innocent cries yearning for food, sleep, and attention.  What Banks got instead was far more damning.  She was that annoying girl we have all got stuck talking to at a party, except she was now in her mid 60s with a hint of senility and a gallon of unwarranted confidence.

 She did not introduce herself, nor make any attempt at pleasantries as she Mike-Alstott-barreled her way to her designated window seat.  80% of her body weight rested upon Banks' thigh during this maneuver. She then began complaining loudly to no one in particular how "disappointed" she was, although the rest of the sentence was muffled--and did she ever drone on.  She did a 10 minute bit on how misleading "instant" coffee is and the merits of having a "go-to" department store--and  just who decided we even need stamps (free mail for all?).  Oh it was dreadful.  Banks initial tactic was the patient nod, although eventually even the fabricated browsing of Skymall wasn't enough of a hint.

Eventually this verbose vermin tuckered herself out after a particularly long winded soliloquy about the "marigold as rabbit repellent scam" that she fell pray to this year.  Banks had naturally faded in and out of attention but gathered that she had managed to pin this malicious injustice on the "media" and her local congressman.  Impressive, thought Banks.  Banks was able to scamper away as she somehow remained asleep throughout the duration of the landing. Perhaps she had also discovered the tasty Xanax Bloody Mary miracle combo.

He managed to hop aboard his hotel shuttle in what he only assumed was world record time, a flawlessly executed plane dismount-- perfect 10 from the judges no doubt.  He had packed lightly but the rather plump  driver with the name tag "Turbo" insisted on carrying his bag down the 2 steps to the curb anyway.  Turbo then lingered as though this deed merited a tip.  Banks grabbed his bag and stepped clear of the tipping radius.  Once he took the hint Turbo sheepishly retreated to his post behind the wheel.

As Banks sauntered towards the front desk he debated the merits of certain acts being deemed tip-worthy in today's society and some not.  Was Turbo's service truly tip worthy?  All he had really done is inconvenienced him with a moral dilemma of sorts.  The fry cook at McDonalds gets no tips regardless of how perfect his Big Mac is assembled, and yet a barista is deemed tip worthy for assembling the proper ingredients for a mocha latte?  A befuddled Banks got his room key and once he got to his room tossed aside his luggage and plopped on to his bed exhausted.  He let thoughts of purple rain, fry cooks and marigolds swirl around his head as he faded off into sleep.  It was going to be an interesting vacation.