As I consider this through the lens of 24.5 year old me, I was left with no choice to utilize everyone's favorite blogging tactic: obscure categories. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoy a good Starbucks study session, but these are the kinds of people that make you say--well maybe studying at home ain't so bad? (Even though it's worse...because 3 hours of mariokart later I still haven't cracked open the binder) So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I give you my expert groupings of people you see when you are at Starbucks:
1)The starving artist honing his/her craft in public
What is the one thing all unsuccessful artists/singer/songwriter/author crave? Acknowledgement of their plight of course! Nothing is better then fiddling around with variations of "Wonderwall" on your older brother's acoustic guitar with a beyond melted iced coffee sitting next to you that someone absent-mindedly threw a nickel into. Wrangling between the various synonyms of justice that you could use for the title of your novel can only truly be done in public in a stereotypical "I'm brooding" position
Nobody cares about your protagonist. He seems like a more boring Holden Caulfield anyways.
2)The business guy yapping loudly into his phone
"Yeah I'll...what's that--uh huh...Yeah the Dalton account...No Dalton with a D, like the Bengals quarterback...nevermind one sec--Yeah I'll have a venti dark roast black---No Tim Dalton...from corporate....Uh huh....no....correct....October 23rd....uh huh...Cindy...Cindy..No...Look just Cindy give me Tim's number....Yeah...Dalton! Tim Dalton's number! Like the Bengals...nevermind." Attempts to ignore this individual will prove futile.
Cindy still doesn't give a sh-- about football man!
3)The Study Group Where Nobody Wants To Be There.
They all just thought meeting in a non-threatening non-committal place would be ideal...False! Watch as the soul gets sucked from their faces as a group member "just wants to go over the plan one last time". Smile and laugh knowingly as you see one member of the group blatantly not pay attention to the ideas of others and put his/her feet onto a nearby coffee table a la breakfast club. Their collective project is no doubt doomed for failure.
For the last time, our font selection will have no bearing on our grade!
4)The Frequent Flier That is Angry at The Barista
Is this a frap-o-lato Mr. Roboto like I asked? Is this the vanilla caramel skim mochalatte de-lite? Why isn't this at 294 degrees Kelvin as I requested?? This is among the worst of those you will encounter at Starbucks. They often have a "Costanza wallet" if a male (very large for non-Seinfeld junkies) that exceeds the girth of Crete from east to west. In it you will find crumpled bills of various nations from their travels, and punch cards from the ~20 restaurants they consider themselves to be regulars at. This person will vehemently disparage anyone who disagrees with their various political stances with mini-rants that they typically plagiarize from "The Daily Show." Avoid if possible.
Oh you think the correct ruling was made in the Citizens United vs. Federal Election Commission decision? Did your Super PAC tell you to say that? (Chortle).
5)The Free Wireless Leech
Usually a disheveled 30-something who is either "sticking it to the man" or doesn't want to "get addicted like you sheep." Will be at Starbucks or another place with wi-fi roughly 6 days a week. He will often be seen reading online newspapers he already subscribes to in print to "fact check". Despite his reluctance to use the internet frequently he is often a part of a well respected World of Warcraft guild. Grooming a minimum. Approach with caution.
Picture of woman he convinced his mother he was in a long term online relationship with.
6) The That Guy is Creepy in an Undefinable Way
Always slightly pudgy. Never comically obese. This person will seem to be tending to something of importance, but are only partially committed to the task like a mediocre spy with a newspaper. If you accidentally snap out of a blank stare you will typically make inadvertent eye contact with this person. This is a mistake. There is a callous calm in those dead eyes that you can't really quantify....trance-like....Snap out of it man! They are often wearing something ironic like a Hawaiian shirt in winter time. May be found reading "The Prince" or "The Art of War." Often a cue that it is time to pack up and go.
Has cats named Sylvia, Morpheus and Seven.
Hands are moving about more quickly than deaf interpretation of UN speeches. Topics range from boys that they think are cute, the likelihood of any of the aforementioned cute boys being attracted to them in some capacity (typically in descending order, starting with the male deemed most date-worthy), and/or things that the boys they find attractive are likely thinking about (Which in actuality these individuals are in no way actually reflecting upon).
A vast majority of these ludicrous statements are announced with a matter-of-fact tone that indicates to disagree with such statements would be absurd. The second female companion will always nod, and when cued roll their eyes with regards to the preposterous behavior of the person in the story they just heard, perpetuating their vicious cycle of groupthink. Hope you brought headphones...
Do not understand what groupthink is. Decide it is likely a 90s boy band. Wonder if groupthink will ever tour with 98 degrees.
