Fan Mail

As Less Rock More Talk picks up more and more readership across the country, I thought it would be appropriate to respond to some fan mail.

Does anyone look more out of place/hopelessly confused than I do right now?
-Stan V.G. from Orlando

Amnesiac: Hmm Yeah I would put you up there in my top 3 with Tom Cruise in “The Last Samurai” and Renee Zellweger ever.

Yo Amnesiac- What should Mike Vick do now that his prison sentence has been terminated? Love your stuff! - Arnold S from California

Amnesiac: Glad you asked. I just so happen to have several very shrewd suggestions for Mr. Vick:

1) Hire a local artist to do a remake of the infamous, “dogs playing poker” painting, with Vick casually playing cards, smoking a cigar, and laughing with his 4-legged friends. This would show how carefree and loveable he is to the public

2) Convince comic Jim Davis to draw Vick into the Garfield comic strip where he would help Odie exact revenge on Garfield for all of the wrongdoings in the cartoons 30+ years of print. These hilarious hijinks would help him secure the 8-14 demographic

3) Throw puppies out of a hot air balloon declaring “Puppies for all!” People would see how much he loves animals, and how he wants everyone to have animals. I see no flaws in this plan.

4) Re-release the movie “Marley and Me” with Vick playing the

vet that puts Marley to sleep at the end. Except, have “Dr. Vick” use a half nelson rather than the typical peaceful injection. He has to win back the WWF crowd somehow.

5) Also, make an “Air Bud 12” (I think they are on 12, I’m not even sure if the studio is counting anymore) where Air Bud does not play sports like the previous movies, but rather engages in fireside chats with Michael about life. They do this because Air Bud is dying and wants to get his message to the world. This emotional uplifting movie entitled “Wednesdays with Air Bud” is a virtual guarantee to start the waterworks with any audience.

Dear Amnesiac- What could possibly possess a man to attempt to steal 2nd with the bases loaded? I mean honestly?? - Logan B from Minnesota

Amnesiac: (no comment)

Twins Bullpen Rant

Some have accused this blog of being too negative...

They are absolutely correct.

On that note, I give you: the Twins bullpen rant.

The Outcasts

Luis Ayala- Coming in with a silly bad 1.75 WHIP/5.63 ERA, he still somehow has convinced Gardy that he is worthy of logging significant innings. Either ignorant or insane, Ayala is under the impression that poorly located 87 mph sinkers are capable of getting professional hitters out. Thank god Mauer is hitting .800.

Jesse Crain- His ERA is back in single digits, an impressive 8.10, which is a start. After 260+ professional appearances, Crain seems to be thinking about developing a pitch to complement the belt high fastballs he has been insulting fans with for years. Gardenhire, much like a child at Chuck E. Cheese, insists on playing the “crane game” ad nauseum. The only problem is that nobody wins the crane game. Nobody.

The Suspect

Craig Breslow- an impressive ERA/WHIP/BA against of 1.63/0.98/.180 last year make his current numbers of 6.75/1.69/.222 perplexing. This leads me to scream at Breslow -Ben Affleck in Good Will Huntingesque- “You’re Suspect!” If he can get control issues under control the former Ivy Leaguer could become a serviceable middle reliever again.

Matt Guerrier- Decent ERA/WHIP of 4.43/0.93 are promising. However his penchant for giving up big home runs sometimes leave me wondering how Pat Neshek is doing..

RA Dickey- Known innings eater Dickey, aka Bearded Jesus, really embodies the 2009 Twins’ bullpen. He is enigmatic, and often times misused, brought into bases loaded situations putting handcuffs on his knuckleball. He could be an effective anchor to the long relief corps, or as leader of the free world. Take your pick.

Summoning the ghost of Eric Gagne

Jose Mijares- I will attempt to give constructive criticism despite my man crush on Mijares. Who am I kidding, I won’t. I love Jose Mijares. 11 K’s in 9 IP, ERA/WHIP of 2.89/0.96. A great live arm coming out of the bullpen, he should project as our set up man for years to come once he irons out some consistency issues.

Joe Nathan- Career 9+ K per 9, ERA/WHIP 2.79/1.12. Brings a plus fastball/curve/slider to the table every night with great control (career 2.5:1 K:BB) Too bad we bought this shiny anchor without that great of a boat… I still thank AJ Pierzynski for giving us both him and Franny every day. Although, the argument could be made the Giants knew what they were doing by somehow convincing the Twins to willingly allow Boof Bonser onto their active roster...

I hate Boof Bonser.

May Jottings

I’m already concerned about Percy Harvin. He did not show up to mini-camp (although this is now known to be because of hospitalization). He failed a drug test that he knew he would be getting at the combine. I know the Viqueens are thinking he slipped in a Randy Moss-esque way to them in the late first round, but I remain forever skeptical. The Sage-Harvin hook up may sound sexy in May but we will have to see come September. (Next season might be the end of me, my blood pressure will be reaching unhealthy levels) I now will continue by making a plea to the heavens—Please Percy… put the me myself and I show on hiatus, if you make the pro bowl, you can bring it back, you can even leave fungus on your shower shoes and the press will think you’re colorful!

I am all for facebook. It is a great social networking tool to stay current with friends. But I make this plea to every girl in America: Do not include “dance like no one is watching” anywhere on your profile page. This is quite possibly the more irritating and infuriating series of words in the English language. I have never met a girl that has actually followed this mantra. I know it is a very cool and awesome quote to show how carefree and lively you are, I get it. But please, stop. We will just assume that as a 18-24 year old girl, you in fact dance as though nobody is watching you, and play by nobody’s rules but your own, because you are only young once..blah blah etc.. There. It’s over.

Every time I see Matt Garza pitch, I see Delmon Young’s fat, “chipmunk storing nuts for the winter” cheeks laughing maniacally at me. I see him taking incredibly poor routes to fly balls, for a little leaguer. I see him swinging at balls that will later become wild pitches. I see all Devil Ray’s fans thanking me emphatically for allowing such a “trade”. (I am still calling them the Devil Ray’s, just try to stop me) I see bats being thrown into umpire’s chests. I see Twins GM Bill Smith half a handle deep into Captain Morgan, staring bleakly at a picture of Delmon Young, swearing and silently sobbing to himself.

A great man named Bill Simmons recently directed me to the trailer of quite possibly the most beautifully awful movie I have ever watched, and I only watched a 2 minute condensed version of the “plot”. Please click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

Your life will be for the better, and you and your social circle can have endless fun screaming “You’re tearing me apart Lisa!”

You’ll thank me later… No, thank me now.