May Jottings

I’m already concerned about Percy Harvin. He did not show up to mini-camp (although this is now known to be because of hospitalization). He failed a drug test that he knew he would be getting at the combine. I know the Viqueens are thinking he slipped in a Randy Moss-esque way to them in the late first round, but I remain forever skeptical. The Sage-Harvin hook up may sound sexy in May but we will have to see come September. (Next season might be the end of me, my blood pressure will be reaching unhealthy levels) I now will continue by making a plea to the heavens—Please Percy… put the me myself and I show on hiatus, if you make the pro bowl, you can bring it back, you can even leave fungus on your shower shoes and the press will think you’re colorful!

I am all for facebook. It is a great social networking tool to stay current with friends. But I make this plea to every girl in America: Do not include “dance like no one is watching” anywhere on your profile page. This is quite possibly the more irritating and infuriating series of words in the English language. I have never met a girl that has actually followed this mantra. I know it is a very cool and awesome quote to show how carefree and lively you are, I get it. But please, stop. We will just assume that as a 18-24 year old girl, you in fact dance as though nobody is watching you, and play by nobody’s rules but your own, because you are only young once..blah blah etc.. There. It’s over.

Every time I see Matt Garza pitch, I see Delmon Young’s fat, “chipmunk storing nuts for the winter” cheeks laughing maniacally at me. I see him taking incredibly poor routes to fly balls, for a little leaguer. I see him swinging at balls that will later become wild pitches. I see all Devil Ray’s fans thanking me emphatically for allowing such a “trade”. (I am still calling them the Devil Ray’s, just try to stop me) I see bats being thrown into umpire’s chests. I see Twins GM Bill Smith half a handle deep into Captain Morgan, staring bleakly at a picture of Delmon Young, swearing and silently sobbing to himself.

A great man named Bill Simmons recently directed me to the trailer of quite possibly the most beautifully awful movie I have ever watched, and I only watched a 2 minute condensed version of the “plot”. Please click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

Your life will be for the better, and you and your social circle can have endless fun screaming “You’re tearing me apart Lisa!”

You’ll thank me later… No, thank me now.