Twins Talk

As I sat at the Twins game on Tuesday night, I noted that no other human being projected the “I am a slap hitter vibe” more than Nyjer Morgan. I called him a poor man’s Juan Pierre, a rich man’s Otis Nixon. I mocked his high socks and baggy pants. I laughed at the fact he had no home runs in 200+ at bats this year. Then, bam, over the baggy. Everyone around me mocked me profusely, and rightfully so. I now will add Nyjer Morgan to athletes I hate for an irrational reason. (Really?? This guy hit a home run?? Really????)

Two old men behind me thought they were freakin’ hilarious at the game too. A hot dog vendor was pitching his hot dogs up and the one old man says, (very sarcastic tone) “Whatcha got there…Hormel???” (rowdy old people laughter ensues) “I only eat Oscar Meyer!” (more obnoxious old man laughter, followed by me shaking my head and burying said head in my hands in shame for being in such close proximity to such an event) If anyone can explain how this would be remotely funny to any human being, please try to explain… I’m at a loss for words.

Umm… Joe Mauer is really really good. I’m not sure if pitchers are trying anymore. They are just throwing it in there, thinking he’ll probably get a hit anyway. Seriously… this is ridiculous. Nobody should make a mockery of professional pitching like he is currently doing.

What a great day for Minnesota sports! Mchale’s tyrannous reign is over and Jesse Crain is riding a bus with his new teammates in AAA Rochester!!! Yes!!!!! I think an angel just got its wings. I might cry its so beautiful. I can now only pray that he stays down there…forever. Perhaps if we all pitched in we could buy a crane game from Chuck E. Cheese and send it to the Twins clubhouse. So if they ever feel the urge to call him back up, they could just waste a couple dollars, not get a stuffed animal, and remember what Mr. Crain brought to the table, nothing but pain and suffering.

I think it’s safe to say Fransisco Liriano is damaged goods. He just doesn’t have the same velocity he used to have, nor does he have the same bite on that slider of his. This isn’t 2006. Send him to the bullpen, send a message. He’s going to have to start locating like every other pitcher in the show that has average stuff. Because that’s what he has now, average stuff. The middle of the plate is no place for a 90 mph fastball with little to no movement, just like show business was no place for Christina Aguilera.

And did I already say Joe Mauer is really really good? Well if I didn’t, he is. Seriously. And have you ever seen Joe Mauer and Superman in the same room at the same time? Think about it.

Article from "The Onion"

I just wanted to post this article to the less rock more talk faithful. It is a delight. Women everywhere are probably thinking, "thats not funny, thats sensible, I can idenify with this female, like I do in every romantic comedy I watch over and over again."

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
Best friends. Friends forever.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good:

I just watched the movie, “The Hangover” and wow, it was absolute perfection. It had a certain quirky pace and cadence to it that is unparalleled in today’s comedies. I, like many others have had a few laughs at the Paul Rudd/Seth Rogan empire on comedy. They have produced some quality films, but each are getting a tad redundant (see Zach and Miri make a porno, for example).

Zach Galifianakis is phenomenal in this movie. This should be his coming out party as he has been an incredibly underrated comedian for too long. His casting with Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Justin Bartha make for the perfect quartet of crazy (or wolfpack, for those who have seen the film).

But I digress! The movie was incredibly outrageous, and definitely deserved its R rating and then some, but you go to the movies to be entertained, and be entertained you shall! This blogger gives it 4 out of 4 stars. I tried really hard not to get specific in this encouragement to go watch this movie again and again if you have not already done so!

The Bad:

Utilizing my Netflix prescription, I recently took a gamble on the movie “Derailed”. It may have been one of the worst decisions of my young life. It was boring, and anti-climactic. It had random subplots that were never really addressed (his daughters diabetes??) Those of you who were tricked into thinking you might be renting a suspenseful thriller can feel my pain.

Jennifer Aniston gave us her typical blah performance. Hell, she got out-acted by each of the dogs used to make “Marley and Me”, so why should this time have been any different? The plot was incredibly predictable, and at times ridiculously far-fetched. *note- if you actually intend to watch this pile of @#$% despite my plea, stop reading now, major spoilers ahead*

Ok… plot flaws-

1) Why is Clive Owen’s character paying this jackass ALL OF HIS SAVINGS, (including money saved for the previously mentioned random diabetes side plot) just to not tell his wife he cheated on her, once, sort of, WHEN THE GUY HE’S PAYING HAS NO PROOF AT ALL. (pardon the all caps, it is just sooo egregious)

2) How was he not convicted, or even questioned more heavily in the death of Winston. His DNA was all over that car, and he was a prime suspect, interviewed by the black detective, and with no legit alibi. There is no way he gets away completely scot free. This is the 21st century. Detectives have crime labs at their disposal with incredibly sophisticated techniques that would leave him about 0% chance of them not knowing he was at the scene after his brilliant tactics of paying off hookers and almost pushing the car into a river.

3) Sweet plot twist with Aniston’s character being in on the whole scheme. That totally fooled me, it was like, whoa, did NOT see the only possible plot twist coming. Also, maybe you should have shot the first half of the movie and told her she was innocent, and then dropped the “plot twist” on her, so she can “act” accordingly. Seriously, terrible.

4) Since when does the bumbling borderline mentally challenged Charles Schine (Clive Owen’s character) go from Rain man to Rambo? He was a totally believable sap, but come on. No way he outwits the man conning him. Zero chance. Also, Clive Owen is the worst protagonist in an action movie ever. So why make a new movie, “The International”, as though anyone thinks he is cool with a gun in his hand. I think the best way to describe his serious face, is 1/3 angry because he’s never been loved, 1/3 bewildered, and 1/3 constipated. (you know its bad when I’m begging for a Paul Walker sighting)

In summary, I really really want 2 hours of my life back.

The Ugly: Renee Zellweger.

Gross.