North by Northwest

Not long ago, I was helping out at the Great Plains Food Shelf, and the experience was a very strange one to say the least. First of all, we were marking, and packaging Ugg boots, loading them by the box onto palate after palate. These things are retailing for 150 a pop. Don’t these people have greater needs than being fashionable? I am picturing a homeless man in south LA wearing a garbage bag- pancho, and Uggs. Let this sink in please. If you haven’t started to gauge your eyes out in frustration read on.

There was a worker there shuffling things around on a forklift, and I happened to ask him where the bathroom was. Reasonable question. He responded by telling me it was around the corner and east of the stairs. East of the stairs? I’m not Ferdinand Magellan over here. I frantically looked up to find the north star, but in vein, considering we were INDOORS. I dislike when people don’t give directions in terms of left and right when I’m outside, but come on man. My pocket contents are typically phone keys and wallet. I typically leave my compass hiking stick, and merit badges at home, so unless you’re getting molested by your troop leader please refrain from telling me stuff is “East of the stairs.” Athank you. (Fumbling for number of good lawyer)

Something every person who takes living in 2010 for granted absolutely must do is re-watch the original “Mission Impossible.” Not only will this make you hate Tom Cruise even more (possible??), you will laugh out loud at the alleged technology. The computers are so clunky and obnoxious. The dialogue in hindsight is completely laughable. And best of all, I think Tom Cruise is wearing a mask, and dramatically unveils himself as someone else about infinity times. Tom Cruise had probably been practicing this maneuver for years in front of a mirror every night, just waiting for his chance to do it in every scene in a movie.

Also, the deaths of all of Tom’s colleagues (way overly done line- very funny—(THEY’RE DEAD…THEY’RE ALL DEAD!!) are so melodramatic and stupid. The old man dying on a bridge then falling into the river, and his female counterpart watching someone being pulled against a gate, walking over there, and being stabbed by the same assailant. Dumb. After Last Samurai I didn’t think I could hate Tom Cruise anymore. I type corrected.

To put this movie into perspective, the N64 was the best video game system in the year it came out… Oh wait, it still is! (Receiving scorn of 1000 nerds who are angerly reaching for their PS3 controllers/inhaler)