Some Days I Just Question Mankind

I know the world has many real problems. Budgets aren't getting balanced, global markets are fragile, Jerry Sandusky isn't locked away forever yet. But today, I learned of a true travesty that really embodies what a crazy messed up, almost poetically and tragically retarded the world is.

Allow me to explain.

One of my favorite series of books is the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. He is an incredibly compelling hero in a variety of ways. He is a physically imposing ex Military Policeman with a history of violence and disobeying authority. He is a vagabond, intentionally nomadic because it is all that he knows. He is tragic in his flaws, but holds himself to a high moral code. So high is this moral code in fact, that he puts himself in physical danger to uphold what is right. . He can also often be found dining at lonely diners seeking cheeseburgers and coffee at all hours of the day. He is 6 foot 5, 250 pounds, immensely knowledgable, sharp, pragmatic and complex.

They are going to make a film based on one of my favorites, "One Shot." My father recently found this out, and told me Tom Cruise was going to be in the new One Shot movie. I told him, "Cool, who is going to play Reacher?" The horrific answer: Tom Cruise.

Let's get the obvious out of the way first: Tom Cruise is generously listed at 5'7" and 160 pounds. Fail. How can a character where so much of who he is, what he can do, and what he does is because he is so physically imposing be played by a man who can only be described as "fun sized??"

Fact number 2: Tom Cruise is insane. Jack Reacher is a no-nonsense straight shooter with a good sense of self and the world. Tom Cruise follows a "religion" in Scientology that was created by a science fiction writer that talks of lord Xenu and ancient alien souls being trapped and subsequently released from volcanoes. Somewhere between a cult and ponzi scheme, Cruise vehemently defends his beliefs when he is not jumping on Oprah's couch: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=znsXA2aTXCE Please.

Reacher would celebrate like a man, damnit...

Fact number 3. Tom Cruise is a shitty actor. His acting prowess ranges from (see below)

a) narcissistic sports agent

b)narcissistic friend of the handicapable

c)narcissistic white samurai

d) homosexual pilot...not that there's anything wrong with that.

Whomever was/is responsible for Tom Cruise as Jack Reacher should never have a job again. I can't think of a bigger slap in the face to Reacher fans or mankind. Because when I think of Tom Cruise, the last thing I think of is badass:

May Xenu have mercy on our souls...

Sarv v Tor: A Clash of Two Gambling Problem Titans

Sarv and I thought it would be fun to email over/under picks from every team to each other and, if gambling were legal, place a friendly wager on each discrenpancy. We decided on getting the over/unders off of Sportsbook. All things told we agreed on 20, and disagreed on 10. I thought it'd be fun to have a guest blogger and let him and I say what we picked and why we picked it for a little mid season review. And next year, maybe for my sake we'll leave the NFC North out of it! Enjoy.




P.S. I think we will go in alphabetical order, because it's my blog and I'm lazy to come up with a creative way of doing it.


P.P.S. When it says "Tor and Sarv" It means we agreed, but I wrote it so don't hold Sarvey accountable for the filth that follows.

ARIZONA CARDINALS 7 Wins: Over-110/Under-110


Current Record: 2-6

(Quick note for gambling novices, -110 is the classic "juice" meaning if one were to actually place a bet at a casino you would be betting 110 dollars to win 100. Conversely if you see something like +150, it means for every 100 dollars you wager you win 150.)

Tor + Sarv: Under. I don't trust Kevin Kolb, and their secondary is shit. Having said that, they do play in the NFC West so I wasn't uber confident in this pick. Regardless, I took the under, Larry Fitz can't throw the rock to himself...yet.

ATLANTA FALCONS 10 Wins Over -110/Under-110

Current Record: 5-3

Tor and Sarv- Over. This team is one of the biggest enigmas. They haven't impressed me in any game yet. I believed in the Matt Ryan to Roddy White/Julio Jones/Grandpa Tony Gonzalez combo. I believed in Michael Turner. Time will tell.

BALTIMORE RAVENS 10.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
Current Record: 5-2

Tor- Under. Michael Oher doesn't actually have Sandra Bullock around to inspire him, and he doesn't even protect the blind side anymore. Oh, and Ray Lewis is running for AARP treasurer.

Sarv- Over. With the division they play in winning 6 out of their last 8 will be tough but if Flacco can move the ball down the field, limit his turnovers, and Terrell Suggs continues to “sizzle” they have a shot.
BUFFALO BILLS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record 5-3

Tor- Under. Um... mulligan??

Sarv- Over: Is it just me or do the Bills remind anyone else of the team from the movie The Replacements? A bunch of nobodies a year ago (started 0-8 last year) lead by a down-to-earth white QB that start playing well together. Gene Hackman even looks a little bit like Chan Gailey. Great movie. Anyway..

CAROLINA PANTHERS 4.5 Wins Over-125/Under +105
Current Record: 2-6

Tor- Over. Because I thought Cam Newton would be frisky. (Vince Young 8.0??) Because their defense could be adequate. Because I was hoping for a comeback year from Steve Smith (looking that way). I'm diggin' this pick. I don't care what that sneaky sonofagun Sarvey says dammit!

Sarv: Yeah Cam Newton’s been playing well but they’re only 2-6 on the season and 5 out of their last 8 are on the road. Oh yeah, and 7 out of their last 8 are against teams with winning records. Lock it up.

CHICAGO BEARS 8.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150
Current Record: 4-3

Tor and Sarv- Under. This was one of the most fashionable unders out there. The Bears overachieved by ever sabermetric angle last year, and Jay Cutler... I mean, is there anything more awesome then having some coin on Jay Cutler failing? Cmon, seriously. It's...it's just the tops.

CINCINNATI BENGALS: 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 6-2

Tor: Over. I must admit, I told Sarvey this is the one I was least confident in of the ones we disagreed on. But who cares? Andy Dalton aka the Red Rocket is a stud! And they no longer have the record for most arrests in the last 10 years, Chris Cook helped the Vikings take that title! Skollll Vikings at least we are winners at something.

Sarvey: Under-The Bengals are 6-2!? Really!? Did not expect a team lead by two rookies to start out this well, especially with a shortened off-season. And didn’t Carson Palmer have essentially the same team last year and they went 4-12? The Raiders must’ve missed that red flag... oh and this one.

CLEVELAND BROWNS 6.5 wins Over+130/Under -150

Current Record: 3-5

Tor and Sarv- Over: I know Colt McCoy sounds like a cowboy from a childrens show contrived by an LSD ridden paranoid schizophrenic, but I believed in him. That is all.

DALLAS COWBOYS 9 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv- Over. I like Tony Romo. No homo. Also, I still think they are supremely talented, and all that jazz. Plus Wade Phillips is gone. He looked more confused last season that 70% of America at the end of LOST, thus I thought Jason Garrett would be worth 2 extra wins alone


DENVER BRONCOS 5.5 Wins Over-120/Under Even
Current Record: 3-5

Tor and Sarv: Over. Elvis Dumervil back is/was huge. Kyle Orton is underrated. I'm still not sold they can't get to 6 wins. But now having to root for Tebow makes me a sad Panda...

http://www.google.com/imgres?q=south+park+sad+panda&um=1&hl=en&sa=N&qscrl=1&nord=1&rlz=1T4ADFA_enUS439US439&biw=1093&bih=446&tbm=isch&tbnid=JHgahXcEzRqF4M:&imgrefurl=http://kreidball.tumblr.com/post/3935200854&docid=JZNiZbYY324vgM&imgurl=http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li8nkur92T1qc3jfro1_400.jpg&w=300&h=265&ei=cUG3TvjzBeTa0QGfkP2vBA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=87&vpy=96&dur=1138&hovh=211&hovw=239&tx=131&ty=125&sig=103537226557824943095&page=1&tbnh=120&tbnw=136&start=0&ndsp=12&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:0

DETROIT LIONS 8 Wins Over +130/Under -150

Current Record: 6-2

Tor: Under. I didn't think Stafford or Best could stay healthy. Their secondary is still... a little suspect! But hey, kudos to the Lions. Side note, which was a bigger fuck you to their fan bases, Matt Mcmillan doing play by play, or Tim Brewster being a sideline reporter? It's like FOX is trying to induce homicidal rage.


Sarv: Over. Things I know about the Lions:

1) Calvin Johnson and Ndamaka Suh are good at football.
2) If Stafford stays healthy they will be in the hunt for the post-season.
3) http://www.totalpackers.com/2010/06/25/matthew-staffords-broad-is-still-hot/

GREEN BAY PACKERS 11.5 Wins Over+105/Under-120

Current Record: (Unable to disclose)

Tor and Sarv: Under. It's hard to want to root for the packers, and 12 wins is a lot of wins to get. All it takes is one awkward landing of Aaron Rodgers knee and you've won the bet. Having said that, if I were to actually pick 5 of these to bet on at the start of the season, these high end ones, (Packers and Pats) and low end ones (Panthers/Bills etc) feel too volatile to me to actually know how the heck to bet them.

HOUSTON TEXANS 8.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110
INDIANAPOLIS COLTS 9.5 Wins Over-140/Under+120

Records: 6-3 and 0-9 Respectively

Tor and Sarv: Texans Over/Colts Under I'm tackling these two in one fell swoop. I heard stories from ESPN insiders like "Peyton Manning can't turn his neck even a little bit" a month before the season started. and that "Peyton may or may not be flying to Germany to get stem cell treatment." Even though just rumors it made me wayyyy out on the Colts, and looking at the rest of the division, in on the Texans by default. The Manning to Painter drop off is just too dramatic. And for goodness sake somebody tell Curtis Painter they aren't casting for Remember the Titans 2, so drop the stupid Sunshine act...

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS 6.5 Games Over Even/Under -120

Current Record: 2-6
Tor and Sarv: Under. This was before they cut David Garrard, but even with him, no real wide recievers in a pass happy league, incredibly average defense at best, don't see how they would have/will get to 7 wins, felt like a very poor man's Vikings to me.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS 8 Wins Over +135/Under-155
Current Record: 4-4

Tor Under. Matt Cassel isn't even that good when completely healthy. I know Adam can give up a rib for eve and be just fine, but I Arrowhead ain't no Eden! But seriously, they have no depth, and we can see that as the injuries have decimated this team.

Sarv: Over. Surprisingly, even without Jamaal Charles, the Chiefs find themselves tied for first place in the West with 4 wins. Not surprisingly, all Dwayne Bowe fantasy team names are still annoying and dumb.

MIAMI DOLPHINS 7.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 1-7

Tor and Sarv: Under. This was my "lock" of the year pick, or whatever gag they use on ESPN currently to display confidence in picks. They decided it'd be a good idea to overpay for Reggie Bush, prompting Saints fans everywhere to laugh uncontrollably. I think their biggest issue, besides Brandon Marshall bipolar jokes, are this team is simply put Jason Bourne. No identity. They are mediocre across the board, and this league you have to do at least one thing well. This team made no sense on paper, and makes no sense in real life.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS 7 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 2-6

Tor: Over I stand by this pick. The Vikings could very very easily been 3-2 through 5 games, in fact every team that put up their first half numbers in the first three games of the year were 3-0, so 0-3 was simply a statistical anomaly. Or so I tell myself when I cry myself to sleep every Sunday night.

Sarvey: Under. Wait, Spielman paid $7.25 million for a QB to play 6 games that got benched in favor of Rex Grossman last year!?

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS 11.5 Wins Over+110/Under-130

Current Record: 5-3

Tor: Over, Bill Belicheat is the best at misinterpreting ze rules! He misinterprets ze rules! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnqQhUdXgvI

Oh and Tom Brady.

Sarv: Under: The Patriots need to win 7 out of 8 to get to 12 wins. In other news, Tedi Bruschi theme songs are chill: http://cwyattle.tumblr.com/

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS 10 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 6-3

Tor and Sarv: Over. Just because the city's dried off doesn't mean I think their team will cool down. Sean Payton is one of the most underrated coaches out there, and they have an alive Drew Brees on their team, which has been known to help. So...yeah.

NEW YORK FOOTBALL GIANTS 9.5 Wins Over +150/Under-170

Current Record: 6-2

Tor and Sarv: Under. When you are staring a -170 in the face, its hard to not see the writing on the wall. This was when they had approximately 1 healthy cornerback, and I'm pretty sure it was Jason Sehorn in black face. When do we see another great white cornerback? When do we even see another white cornerback? Mad props to Jason Sehorn.

NEW YORK JETS 10 Wins. Over +105/Under-125

Current Record: 5-3

Tor and Sarv: Over. I believed in the Rex Ryan. I thought the Sanchize would progress. I believe in the mystical land known as Revis Island.

THE OAKLAND FLYING AL DAVIS CORPSE RAIDERS 7 Wins. Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Under. I don't know what the title above means either. I...I mean they seem so dysfunctional, how can you pick the over. New head coach, same dead owner, the only difference is now he's really dead. (editors note: I wrote the following rant, and the next day Bill Simmons made the same point on his podcast, I have officially synced up brains with him in a horribly creepy way where I know where he is going before he is. Cue up Sting singing "I'll be missing you") I hate this Michael Jackson type death, where everyone is just BASHING this cat non. stop. for the last 10 years of their lives, yet when they die everyone praises them to no end like they are Mother Teresa. I know its fashionable to compliment the dead, but just don't bash them so profusely when they are alive then. Thats it. The end. Whew.


Philadelphia Eagles 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110

Current Record: 3-4


Tor: Over. Remember that Tony Danza movie, "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon?" That was pretty cool.


Sarv: Under.
Will all the hype surrounding the Eagles before the season started I think the players thought they were better than they actually were. Not to mention that the Eagles against the run are about as effective as Michael Cuddyer’s ability to hit a right-handers curveball.

Awful Twins metaphors aside, it’s been a disappointing season so far for “the dream team.” Andy Reid can hardly show his face.

Pittsburgh Steelers 10.5 Wins Over-130/Under+110

Current Record: 5-2

Tor and Sarv: Over. I like Mike Tomlin. I like Big Ben (As a quarterback ladies...) And who is to argue against Troy Polamalu's flowing locks?? Their division is tough, but dammit I believe in them. Now go out there and give it all that you've got.

San Diego Chargers 10 Wins Over+115/Under-135

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Over. I never really know what to make of the Chargers. I know Phil Rivers is a dick somewhere in between Ari Gold and Jeremy Piven (Think about it, he's still maybe 94% of the jerk he is on TV...allegedly). I know Norv Turner game plans with hard alcohol at his side (It is the only explanation). But what really made me pick the over is I knew that of the Broncos, Raiders and Chiefs, none would really be all that great. Chargers at 11-5 sounded about right.

San Francisco 49ers 7.5 Wins Over-110/Under-110

Current Record: 7-1

Tor: Under. Picking Alex Smith to win 8 games was just more than I could handle. I get that Harbaugh is a bauss of a coach, but cmon look at Alex Smith's career numbers 57.7% career completion %, 58tds/54ints, and 30 fumbles lost in 59 career games including his great start to this season. Couldn't do it.

Seattle Seahawks 6 Wins Over-105/Under-115

Current Record: 2-6

Tor and Sarv: Under:

If you click on no other link, please select this one. It is all you need to know why the under was selected: http://www.zimbio.com/pictures/5bl0ooVQXpt/Seattle+Seahawks+v+San+Francisco+49ers/TMyPVbxPB2l/Tarvaris+Jackson

St. Louis Rams 7.5 Wins Over+130/Under-150

Current Record: 1-7
Tor and Sarv: Over. I will again utilize my patented distraction tactic when my pick is so obviously flawed. The acronym RAM stands for Random Access Memory, a way for computers to store data. And remember when god sent that Ram so that Abraham wouldn't have to sacrafice Isaac? That was pretty dope.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 8 Wins Over+130/Under-150

Current Record: 4-4

Tor and Sarv: Under. Josh Freeman can't come back everyyy week. Wide receivers are lacking, and Atlanta/N'Orleans/Carolina is a frisky division to have to wade through. I'm caulking the wagon on this one.

Tennessee Titans: 7 Wins Over+140/Under-120

Tor: Over

Because somebody in that division has to get wins dammit! Oh and Matt Hasselbeck summons strength from his rapidly receding hairline like Popeye does spinach (I'm allowed one truly awful Rick Reilly esque line per blog)

Sarv: Under: Hey Chris Johnson what’s going on with your game this year?

Chris Johnson: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uBgIlaTC0vo

Washington Redskins: 6 Wins Over-120 Under Even
Tor/Sarv: Over. Mike Shanahan turned Mike Anderson and Olandis Gary into fricking OJ Simpson without the whole double murder thing, he can do it in the nation's capital too.

Whew! If you are still reading this, you most certainly should see your local optomologist immediately. Hope it was fun to read, because it was fun to write. Enjoy the rest of the NFL season and happy gambling!

If I Wrote For the Onion Part Deux

Twins GM Bill Smith, sweating through his ruffled shirt, stumbled into his office at noon yet again today smelling of stale cigarettes and broken dreams. "What frickin month is it again?" Smith directed at his receptionist, Tanya. Before she had a chance to answer, however, he was already face deep in a juicy lucy, a favorite among his secret stash of meat.

"He really knows his stuff." noted Tanya while nervously looking from side to side. "He gives 110% to this organization, really does his research," she again reiterated fighting back at her increasingly misty eyes.

After pulling a rack of ribs off of his "Billy's Office BBQ" cookset he recently purchased on the company dollar, Smith began accessing what wry move he could execute to best build a contender next. "Ya know what we should do", Smith yelled in Tanya's direction in between bites, "maybe trade somebody, I don't know, just feels right ya know?"

After whether or not he had bathed in the last week was brought into question, Smith quickly became irate. "I don't have to answer to you or to anyone!" he screamed, demanding a conference call with team owner Jim Pohlad. When informed Mr. Pohlad was out on business, Smith quickly decided to trade Jim Thome to "spite the other Jim." "We got too many damn J names round here anyways," Smith continued as he readied his office cot for a nap. "Stupid... Jims..."

Once Smith fell asleep, an open bag of cheesy poofs in hand, Tanya broke down into tears. "I just feel so bad for everyone in Minnesota", she said while dabbing her eyes with a hankerchief. "I mean Mr. Smith would have never made that awful Johan Santana trade if I hadn't missed his daily 4 oclock gravy bath". She wearily continued, "And Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps? What are the odds his beer rucksack and snicker satchel would both be empty at the same time?" Now quivering and huddled in the corner bawling uncontrollably she went on, "I just want it to stop..."

Now rested, Smith uncinched his belt, leaned back in his Cookie Monster themed chair with his hands resting interlocked together atop his head. "I done good," he noted now patting his protruding belly affectionately. "I mean we had some hot chicks in our line-up today. 2, count 'em 2 Rene's! What other GM would even consider putting two people named Rene in a major league line up?"

Now walking towards the soft serve machine for what Smith simply referred to as "fourthsies," Tanya composed herself, and was found washing off and reapplying her streaking mascara. She redid her hair, tucked in her blouse, and whispered "Tell my story...Please...tell my story," then slowly and reluctantly walked over to aid Smith with his hot fudge ladle.

The Twins have a -144 run differential, 2nd worst the majors, and are 17 games out of first place.

Hot Dogs and Laundry

When all the teams you have ever cared about stink, it makes you re-evaluate.



It was cathartic for me, I hope it's enjoyable for you:



I am watching the Twins collapse before my very eyes. Bill Smith has turned Johan Santana into Jim Hoey, Wilson Ramos into Cat Mapps, and Jose Morales austensibly into a flaming pile of dog sh%t that not even Billy Madison would attempt to light on fire on a cratchety neighboor's front porch. They are taking feeble hacks at the mammoth Michael Pineida's sharp slider and explosive fastball. I can only chuckle to myself in a defensive grinace (combination grin/grimace) to try to deflect the anger and sadness of watching a first place team wither away...


Enter Mark Turgeon. Another in the endless string of coaches to bail on Texas A & M for a larger more prestigeous program, using A & M as a stepping stone. You can't help but feel for the Aggie faithful, cheering for analagous smaller market professional and college teams myself. You hear Turgeon commit himself passionately and feverously to the University of Maryland's credo and ways, college station a distant memory of yesterday.


Enter Rajon Rando. Kendrick Perkins and Rondo are crying after Perkins' inexpicable trade, best friends for years told to say goodbye because a man named Danny Ainge decided the team needed a better swingman, to look towards the future. It's just a business, they say begrudgingly as Perk packs up his things. Nothing personal, just a business.


Enter us. We bond over them with friends. We read about them in the paper, we call in to declare our opinions to people with loud shows and louder egos. We buy tickets. We buy jerseys. We pay taxes. We build stadiums. But in glorification of what?


Enter me. Wearing my Lakers Shaq jersey loud and proud. I wear it not because I love the Lakers. I hate them in fact. I hate what they stand for, casual fans who leave games early, always having big name guys, front runners. But I have always gravitated towards Shaq. He is a freak of nature, but is personable, likable, and created the blueprint for how to market yourself as an athlete that many have followed, some to the nth degree (see Johnson, Chad). I enjoyed watching him dominate games while Kobe awkwardly tried to figure out if he was Batman or Robin. And yet, when I wear that jersey I get called out the Lakers fan I'm not, as I should. I'm in a Lakers Jersey.


But should we see the team and not the player first? Are we cheering for a person or the uniform he wears? It's so much more than just a uniform right? It has to be. It's the memories of you high fiving your dad after he catches a foul ball. It's the smell of hotdogs at your favorite stadium. It's you and your buddies having a beer and yelling at your TV as though you are the ultimate authority on life. It's creating a sports community. Fate and circumstance and injuries and ping pong balls brought these people to Minnesota for us to agonize over, critique and cheer for. We get to know them better than ourselves, watching games intently, analyzing highlights, box scores, advanced stats. Some of us are even foolish enough to blog about them.


Enter Cleveland. A city with 7 years of memories involving one man. Billions of dollars in city revenue and franchise value rest in the hands of that one man. The man is a local boy himself. He understands the psyche of the city better than most. Yet he chooses warm weather, playing with his friends, villification, and watches as his jersey burns in the streets at the hands of those who once worshiped him. Through the flames they try to forget a man that embodied a team hopelessly intertwined with a city, destined to cheer for laundry.

The Hank Baskett All Stars

I have been tinkering with this idea for some time, but in the end I decided it was time to unveil it to the world. Ladies and gentleman I give you the Hank Baskett All Stars:

What is this you may ask? It is a criterium, a basis, a filing system for an inexplicable and unavoidable truth of today's society. Professional athletes who are varying degrees of bad at what they allegedly do for a living are marrying/dating people they should have no business marrying, or so every bitter blogger or male blog reader thinks or should think. Just like a previous, admittedly shallow and unnecessary post regarding women wearing large sunglasses (http://lessrock-moretalk.blogspot.com/2009/07/inconvenient-truth.html), we are breaking this bad boy category style, this time with a little terror alert twist.

Code Green: The Kris Humphries

This category contains an instance where you would typically do a double take when you saw the first picture of the couple together, but quickly rationalize it in your brain to the point where you could accept it and move on with your day, no problems.

So- Kim Kardashian and Kris Humprhies- Sure, there is some personal bitterness towards Humphries leaving the U early to go pro, the fact that he played at Hopkins, and still plays the game like it's one on five. (Seriously, look at this man's assist per game stats throughout his career, go ahead, that second google tab is really tempting you isn't it? I mean I bet they are really really bad, truly embodying his selfishness! I'd be such a shame to not investigate this properly!!..Ok I'll stop)

But he does currently log significant minutes for the Nets, or Nyets as is fun to call them after being bought by a Russian billionaire, was a stud swimmer (second to only some guy named Michael Phelps growing up) and I'm no expert but he seems like a decent looking dude. Couple that with Kim dating around, yeah I get it. Code Green.

Code Blue: The Jeff Garcia

What do you do when you are running sportscenter and it's a really slow newsday? You run a special on Jeff Garcia's life that has no point whatsoever. I didn't find him particularly charming or endearing, nor was the segment engaging. What I saw was a long time floundering CFL/backup QB golfing and doing other pointless stuff with his hot wife. I name the Code Blue zone is his honor just because of how pissed of I get to the this day thinking about how I wasted 5 minutes of my life watching that. Jeff Garcia- You balding annoying irrelevant quarterback, here's to you and your wife Carmella, which, incidently is a top 5 ridiculous name just below Carmelo's bride, Lala.

Code Yellow: The Matt Treanor.

Things are starting to heat up here to the point where I, a sports junkie, had no idea this dude was married to Misty May-Treanor until last year's baseball playoffs despite the fact that she slapped his name onto hers. I just never made the connection between floundering one time Marlins, for fish emphasis, backup catcher (I'm sensing a theme here) and the beach volleyball star.

Code yellow isn't a place for hate. Code yellow is a place where under the strict Hank Baskett All-star/terror alert guidelines, we place people who have the ability to have us hear their name repeadedly associated with their bride and still forget who they are. The fact that they are so incredibly mediocre and plain is what makes them so dangerous. For all I know Matt Treanor could have been my neighboor all my life, or right behind me as we speak. I'm not going to turn around so we may never know for sure. What we do know is that Matt Treanor is a colorless emotionless blob of organic matter and I am on to you sir!

Code Orange: The Casey Daigle

I don't really follow softball, but allegedly incredible pitcher Jenny Finch could have her pick of many a man, and chooses... Casey Daigle. That's right. The Casey Daigle. I...I'm going to save some strength for the inevitably draining Code Red rant that lies ahead but... Casey Daigle? This couple had a kid and named it Ace. Ace Daigle. I really don't know what to do with that. This relationship feels more made up than any of the fat guy with attractive wife sitcoms that have become pervasive post "King of Queens." I'll even include the "Still Standing" couple in that, reluctantly. Oh how I pity Ace Daigle.

Code Red: The Hank Baskett

Let me preface this by saying I don't know Hank Baskett at all. I really haven't heard him speak, but I don't like Hank Baskett. He is a very tall wide reciever that God made in a way so that he should be very good at being a professional wide receiver. He is not. His hands have been described as "Charlie Sheen accidently stumbling onto 10 ounces of cocaine" hard. Remember that brilliant onside kick the Saints executed 2 super bowls ago? Who do you think made that all possible by muffing it. You guessed it! Hank Baskett. Hank Baskett even has a stupid and even ironic name seeing as you cannot serve as a basket if you can't keep projectiles from falling to the earth.

Enter Kendra, the lovable playboy playmate who may or may not be able to look at leather as it still brings back traumatic Hugh Heffner memories... Was she just scarred enough to consider marrying perenneal loser and atrocious Viking (leading to much of this irrational anger) Hank Baskett? Only god truly knows.

How Hank Baskett's child wasn't dropped while in his "steady hands" I'll never know.

The State of the MN Sports Fan Address

The Twins are the Timberwolves of old, making the playoffs only to dash my hopes and dreams in the first round without so much as a wimper. The Timberwolves are the Twins of old, a lovable band of misfits who are as adept at losing as a Bernie Madoff investor. (I'm voting for Sebastian Telfair as Rich Becker, mediocre and annoying and we just can't get rid of this guy...) I really also like Mauer/Garnett parallels.... think about it.


The Vikings are...well the Vikings, and I'm told by people who care about hockey that the Wild (still the most ridiculous nickname in all of professional sports, it's an adjective people) are mediocre, and that Gopher Hockey in this the state of Hockey are more on par with Ferris State. (alleged Hockey burn.) The Gopher's basketball team are proving they still can't win on the road, and I'm not going to acknowledge the Gopher Football team.


All Metrodome roof collapse references/metaphors aside, Minneota sports are a mess right now, and the colder a state is, the more they care about their teams, because if Moorhead is any example, I'd sure as sh** rather stay inside with a brew and watch the game than weather the elements to do...well anything that requires me to weather the elements.


There is hope, but like all things Minnesota sports, this brand of hope is more along the lines of Ellis Boyd Redding's view of hope:


The 1:35-1:50ish part is where I feel Red could be directly talking to Minnesota Sports diehards: (Is Shawshank Redemption not flawless? Really wanted to work it into this one in some way...count it!)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWUfFwoe8ko&feature=related

This dangerous hope of mine lies in dangerous hands. I am blindly optimistic about a team that had 10,000 to 1 odds in Vegas to win the NBA champtionship, the worst by far of any NBA team. Their most recent 3 point loss the Spurs had me not thinking of another wasted road opprotunity for a signtature win, but rather how Love threw up yet another 15-15, how we rallied after Beasley went down, and (gulp) how hard Anthony Tolliver played? I'm fantasizing about a starting lineup next year of Rubio, Wesley who has been a pleasant surprise, Love, Beasley and Insert Center X here. With Martell off the Bench, 2 Utah 1st rounders in our pocket, maybe we can be a playoff team with this very young and very talented Nucleus??

To those who say that our 2012 first round pick is unprotected and Clipper bound after the Marko Jaric incident, that Love and Beasley are going to have to get PAID when their contracts are up, and that Rubio is lukewarm at best to ever come to Minnesota leaving you with the worst draft pick in recent memory, Thabeet aside, in Jonny Flynn-- I respond with (covering ears and closing eyes really hard) Can't hear you!! lalalalalala can't hear you!! Essentially being a Wolves fan requires one to regress to being a preschooler, simply appreciating them for how tall they are for Crunch's antics. (Not too much of a challenge for me thankfully!)

(Picture above is Webster's definition of "Pasty White Hope")

I'll save some of the Twins talk for a later date, but the fact of the matter is that the land of the Randy Ratio, Gary Anderson missing 1 field goal, the Daunte Roll, J.R Rider, Denny Hocking, Torii Hunter relinquishing inside-the-park home runs, begging 41 year old quarterbacks to come back for one more go around, Gugliotta tribal tattoos, Tony Fiore's palmball, Tony Fiore references, Final four's taken away, Courtney James being cuffed and taken away, 12 men on the field penalties followed by interceptions, Rick Rickert, and of course, Jesse Crain, Bennie Sapp and Nick Punto is in dire need of something to truly go its way.

Here's to a genuine hope.