If I Wrote For the Onion Part Deux

Twins GM Bill Smith, sweating through his ruffled shirt, stumbled into his office at noon yet again today smelling of stale cigarettes and broken dreams. "What frickin month is it again?" Smith directed at his receptionist, Tanya. Before she had a chance to answer, however, he was already face deep in a juicy lucy, a favorite among his secret stash of meat.

"He really knows his stuff." noted Tanya while nervously looking from side to side. "He gives 110% to this organization, really does his research," she again reiterated fighting back at her increasingly misty eyes.

After pulling a rack of ribs off of his "Billy's Office BBQ" cookset he recently purchased on the company dollar, Smith began accessing what wry move he could execute to best build a contender next. "Ya know what we should do", Smith yelled in Tanya's direction in between bites, "maybe trade somebody, I don't know, just feels right ya know?"

After whether or not he had bathed in the last week was brought into question, Smith quickly became irate. "I don't have to answer to you or to anyone!" he screamed, demanding a conference call with team owner Jim Pohlad. When informed Mr. Pohlad was out on business, Smith quickly decided to trade Jim Thome to "spite the other Jim." "We got too many damn J names round here anyways," Smith continued as he readied his office cot for a nap. "Stupid... Jims..."

Once Smith fell asleep, an open bag of cheesy poofs in hand, Tanya broke down into tears. "I just feel so bad for everyone in Minnesota", she said while dabbing her eyes with a hankerchief. "I mean Mr. Smith would have never made that awful Johan Santana trade if I hadn't missed his daily 4 oclock gravy bath". She wearily continued, "And Wilson Ramos for Matt Capps? What are the odds his beer rucksack and snicker satchel would both be empty at the same time?" Now quivering and huddled in the corner bawling uncontrollably she went on, "I just want it to stop..."

Now rested, Smith uncinched his belt, leaned back in his Cookie Monster themed chair with his hands resting interlocked together atop his head. "I done good," he noted now patting his protruding belly affectionately. "I mean we had some hot chicks in our line-up today. 2, count 'em 2 Rene's! What other GM would even consider putting two people named Rene in a major league line up?"

Now walking towards the soft serve machine for what Smith simply referred to as "fourthsies," Tanya composed herself, and was found washing off and reapplying her streaking mascara. She redid her hair, tucked in her blouse, and whispered "Tell my story...Please...tell my story," then slowly and reluctantly walked over to aid Smith with his hot fudge ladle.

The Twins have a -144 run differential, 2nd worst the majors, and are 17 games out of first place.