Fan Mail

As Less Rock More Talk picks up more and more readership across the country, I thought it would be appropriate to respond to some fan mail.

Does anyone look more out of place/hopelessly confused than I do right now?
-Stan V.G. from Orlando

Amnesiac: Hmm Yeah I would put you up there in my top 3 with Tom Cruise in “The Last Samurai” and Renee Zellweger ever.

Yo Amnesiac- What should Mike Vick do now that his prison sentence has been terminated? Love your stuff! - Arnold S from California

Amnesiac: Glad you asked. I just so happen to have several very shrewd suggestions for Mr. Vick:

1) Hire a local artist to do a remake of the infamous, “dogs playing poker” painting, with Vick casually playing cards, smoking a cigar, and laughing with his 4-legged friends. This would show how carefree and loveable he is to the public

2) Convince comic Jim Davis to draw Vick into the Garfield comic strip where he would help Odie exact revenge on Garfield for all of the wrongdoings in the cartoons 30+ years of print. These hilarious hijinks would help him secure the 8-14 demographic

3) Throw puppies out of a hot air balloon declaring “Puppies for all!” People would see how much he loves animals, and how he wants everyone to have animals. I see no flaws in this plan.

4) Re-release the movie “Marley and Me” with Vick playing the

vet that puts Marley to sleep at the end. Except, have “Dr. Vick” use a half nelson rather than the typical peaceful injection. He has to win back the WWF crowd somehow.

5) Also, make an “Air Bud 12” (I think they are on 12, I’m not even sure if the studio is counting anymore) where Air Bud does not play sports like the previous movies, but rather engages in fireside chats with Michael about life. They do this because Air Bud is dying and wants to get his message to the world. This emotional uplifting movie entitled “Wednesdays with Air Bud” is a virtual guarantee to start the waterworks with any audience.

Dear Amnesiac- What could possibly possess a man to attempt to steal 2nd with the bases loaded? I mean honestly?? - Logan B from Minnesota

Amnesiac: (no comment)

Twins Bullpen Rant

Some have accused this blog of being too negative...

They are absolutely correct.

On that note, I give you: the Twins bullpen rant.

The Outcasts

Luis Ayala- Coming in with a silly bad 1.75 WHIP/5.63 ERA, he still somehow has convinced Gardy that he is worthy of logging significant innings. Either ignorant or insane, Ayala is under the impression that poorly located 87 mph sinkers are capable of getting professional hitters out. Thank god Mauer is hitting .800.

Jesse Crain- His ERA is back in single digits, an impressive 8.10, which is a start. After 260+ professional appearances, Crain seems to be thinking about developing a pitch to complement the belt high fastballs he has been insulting fans with for years. Gardenhire, much like a child at Chuck E. Cheese, insists on playing the “crane game” ad nauseum. The only problem is that nobody wins the crane game. Nobody.

The Suspect

Craig Breslow- an impressive ERA/WHIP/BA against of 1.63/0.98/.180 last year make his current numbers of 6.75/1.69/.222 perplexing. This leads me to scream at Breslow -Ben Affleck in Good Will Huntingesque- “You’re Suspect!” If he can get control issues under control the former Ivy Leaguer could become a serviceable middle reliever again.

Matt Guerrier- Decent ERA/WHIP of 4.43/0.93 are promising. However his penchant for giving up big home runs sometimes leave me wondering how Pat Neshek is doing..

RA Dickey- Known innings eater Dickey, aka Bearded Jesus, really embodies the 2009 Twins’ bullpen. He is enigmatic, and often times misused, brought into bases loaded situations putting handcuffs on his knuckleball. He could be an effective anchor to the long relief corps, or as leader of the free world. Take your pick.

Summoning the ghost of Eric Gagne

Jose Mijares- I will attempt to give constructive criticism despite my man crush on Mijares. Who am I kidding, I won’t. I love Jose Mijares. 11 K’s in 9 IP, ERA/WHIP of 2.89/0.96. A great live arm coming out of the bullpen, he should project as our set up man for years to come once he irons out some consistency issues.

Joe Nathan- Career 9+ K per 9, ERA/WHIP 2.79/1.12. Brings a plus fastball/curve/slider to the table every night with great control (career 2.5:1 K:BB) Too bad we bought this shiny anchor without that great of a boat… I still thank AJ Pierzynski for giving us both him and Franny every day. Although, the argument could be made the Giants knew what they were doing by somehow convincing the Twins to willingly allow Boof Bonser onto their active roster...

I hate Boof Bonser.

May Jottings

I’m already concerned about Percy Harvin. He did not show up to mini-camp (although this is now known to be because of hospitalization). He failed a drug test that he knew he would be getting at the combine. I know the Viqueens are thinking he slipped in a Randy Moss-esque way to them in the late first round, but I remain forever skeptical. The Sage-Harvin hook up may sound sexy in May but we will have to see come September. (Next season might be the end of me, my blood pressure will be reaching unhealthy levels) I now will continue by making a plea to the heavens—Please Percy… put the me myself and I show on hiatus, if you make the pro bowl, you can bring it back, you can even leave fungus on your shower shoes and the press will think you’re colorful!

I am all for facebook. It is a great social networking tool to stay current with friends. But I make this plea to every girl in America: Do not include “dance like no one is watching” anywhere on your profile page. This is quite possibly the more irritating and infuriating series of words in the English language. I have never met a girl that has actually followed this mantra. I know it is a very cool and awesome quote to show how carefree and lively you are, I get it. But please, stop. We will just assume that as a 18-24 year old girl, you in fact dance as though nobody is watching you, and play by nobody’s rules but your own, because you are only young once..blah blah etc.. There. It’s over.

Every time I see Matt Garza pitch, I see Delmon Young’s fat, “chipmunk storing nuts for the winter” cheeks laughing maniacally at me. I see him taking incredibly poor routes to fly balls, for a little leaguer. I see him swinging at balls that will later become wild pitches. I see all Devil Ray’s fans thanking me emphatically for allowing such a “trade”. (I am still calling them the Devil Ray’s, just try to stop me) I see bats being thrown into umpire’s chests. I see Twins GM Bill Smith half a handle deep into Captain Morgan, staring bleakly at a picture of Delmon Young, swearing and silently sobbing to himself.

A great man named Bill Simmons recently directed me to the trailer of quite possibly the most beautifully awful movie I have ever watched, and I only watched a 2 minute condensed version of the “plot”. Please click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

Your life will be for the better, and you and your social circle can have endless fun screaming “You’re tearing me apart Lisa!”

You’ll thank me later… No, thank me now.

Women. Can't Live With'em and They Can't Pee Standing Up

Let me preface this piece by saying that I am not doing this to bring down women’s sports, but rather point out ways that they need to be improved to be on the closer to the same playing field as men.


Women’s basketball has potential to be a decent product, but is not. The problem with women’s basketball is that they try to pretend they are the same as men. They are not. It is not their fault, nature made males bigger stronger and faster. That is not the issue. The issue is that basketball was designed with men in mind, like baseball. Women’s basketball needs to create a “softball” of basketball, like baseball has. Softball (fastpitch) is mildly entertaining because it is competitive, and because nobody is thinking about how much better a guy could do it, because the sports are unique enough for comparisons to be useless.

The WNBA needs to lower the hoops, so that cool dunks are possible, nothing radical, maybe to 9 and a half feet so alley oops become a factor. They also should consider something else to make their sport unique to the NBA, maybe a 4 point line?? (Side note- this would finally give Antoine Walker what he wants this was a real interview)—

(Reporter) – “Antoine, you are shooting 25% from three this year, why do you still shoot them?”
(Antoine) – “I shoot 3’s cuz there ain’t any 4’s”

Other ideas about the gameplay itself would be one possession per team per game with a money ball, like in a 3 pt contest, that would make points double. This way, teams would not be out of games at the end as easily, and it would add extra coaching strategy. I think this would make the games watchable, for me. Imagine an 8 pointer, with these two rule changes implemented!
The above may never happen, because people deeply involved in the WNBA don’t seem to be able to fathom why nobody cares about their season, so I have a much more reasonable solution. Teams get regional priority for players from those colleges. (1 pick per year) Think about it. Imagine if Lindsay Whalen played for the Lynx after the fan base she had from her gopher playing days. People might actually care about that team. I know that the competitive balance might be shifted with this rule, but the alternative of no league at all is a worse fate in my opinion.

The WNBA has a chance to revolutionize a sport, out of pure desperation. If I was commissioner of the WNBA it would be more like a St. Paul Saints experience. The Saints know people don’t really care a whole lot about the team itself, and that it is just entertainment. –side note- best Saint Paul Saints line ever is when a foul ball leaves the stadium straight behind home plate- “dyslexic home run” gets me every time…

If you still aren’t convinced that this major overhaul needs to happen, look at this clip of a recent Elite 8 game, of the Arizona State coach attempting (I use this term very liberally here) to motivate her team. Take a look, go ahead, I’ll wait…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PasQSgOXEQ

“You’re not so bad!” and “We just played like poop” have got to be the 2 single worst halftime speech lines ever. I’m sorry, but I can’t take a sport seriously right now that has people in the game that would dare use “poop” in an inspirational sentence, I just can’t do it. Sometimes vulgarity has its place. This may have been one of those times. It may have gotten a fire in their belly, rather than making everyone feel more awkward/nauseated/ashamed of their existence than the warden in Shawshank Redemption after Andy is discovered missing.

The WNBA has got to man up (poor choice of words?) and admit their product in inferior, and quit pretending it’s not. They are not the NBA. If they simply follow my advice they would have at least double their current fan base, guaranteed. What do they have to lose?

Carl, Sage and Zoubek.

I love the classic Vikings response to an obvious problem. Ok, we basically lost our playoff game because we have an inexperienced quarterback who wilted under the pressure. So, let’s trade for… Sage Rosenfels! Oh we definitely need a 31 year old career backup with a 30/29 TD/Int split. Yes, that is the answer. This is like applying a band-aid when we really need a tourniquet. This is like saying we need an infielder…give me Nick Punto! We need a point guard…give me Seabass Telfair! (you get the idea) What stupid thing can the Vikings do next? My guess- Bringing back, this time team-sponsored “love boats” on Lake Minnetonka.

I was in Knudson at Concordia the other day, when I saw a dedication to a room in the form of a plaque. The room was apparently donated by Carl and Carla Wall. This got me thinking, has there ever been marriage between two people with sexually ambiguous names such as Alex and Alex, or Jordan and Jordan? I would assume so due to the sheer volume of marriages there have been. Wouldn’t that be strange? Would the woman keep the last name so that they would not have the exact same name? Think about it…

I would like to continue this post with a “march madness bracket lament.”

For all of you faithful readers, or people just with too much time on your hands, you will recall I proclaimed my 7-10 game picking wizardry, and my 8-9 game downfalls. This year, I got the Oklahoma St pick right, and that alone. I was 1-7 that is correct. I’m embarrassed. Furthermore, my subjective pick of Duke all the way blew up in my face immediately. I couldn’t help it.. I love Duke so. I was up nights rationalizing how they could win, dreaming up the scenarios of their championship run. I had Coach K’s victory speech all ready to go and pictures of Jon Scheyer and Super G hugging emotionally, but heterosexually, all thought out. Hell, even maybe Zoubek dancing like Mark Madsen did in the Lakers Parade. (see link below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpbXl5Sp-Wc

Side note- I would like to officially add Zoubek to the Mark Madsen list of “if cock blocks were a statistical category who’s fantasy draft stock would improve the most” list. – conversation with Super G-

-Henderson (shaking head) “Shit guys, its Zoubek, uhhh just play it cool, maybe he won’t see us… no he definitely sees us… shit”
- Zoubek “What’s up playas? We huntin’ some babes tonight?”
-Henderson (now shaking head more emphatically, looking around to Nolan Smith and co. for support)
“Yea totally Brian… we’ll… we’ll call you later” (scamper away frantically)
“K sweet guys, totally psyched!”

I am ashamed I picked a team to go all the way that has Brian Zoubek on its active roster… truly ashamed.

C0dE BreAkER

Nicholas Cage is really starting to wear thin on me. I could tolerate him for a brief part of his career. He is a borderline mediocre actor who has made movies of the like. But, he has type casted himself into the oddest of genres. He has decided to exclusively do movies about code breaking. I was ok with the first national treasure (mostly because of the gratuitous presidential references, but let’s not go there…I love presidents). I mean it was a nice story held together by some cheap gags, and the nerdy guy, Riley, making dry remark time after time.




Next, enter National Treasure 2. Ok a little redundant. But, you know, who am I to judge? They probably made a nice chunk of change, and hey, sequels get made all the time. I am not going to get bent out of shape over this.


But, after seeing the new trailer for the new movie Knowing I have had enough. Coppola has really outdone himself here. But wait!! I thought this article was about Nicholas Cage?!? It is. As many of you know, and some of you are about to know, he is actually the nephewof Francis Ford Coppola. He changed his name so people wouldn’t know that he really hasn’t just been riding the coattails of his uncle for his entire existence. I would like to dub this the “Drew Barrymore Complex,” where people are overrated actors because of who their relatives are/were, and would never make it on talent alone ever.
The premise of knowing is…get this… “Nicholas Cage sees a pattern/code that nobody else sees and saves us all!!” Is Hollywood even trying anymore? This is just a slap in the face. I have already seen this movie, twice. I do not need to see it again. I can only imagine that Cage/Coppola is actually going crazy in real life “Beautiful Mind” style and this is the only way that they could continue to make movies with him. In fact, he is not acting, he probably thinks that this is real life.


I can see it now. (Out to lunch with a friend)
(friend) “So I hear you are making a new movie”
(Nicky) - “Yeah I am- wait a second…Do you see that?”
“See…see what Nick, it’s just you and me here.”
“Your napkin! There is a serious of…. Numbers, greek letters, binary code…it’s no… it cannot be… It is my duty to take this challenge! I will save you cruel world!!” (sprints out of restaurant, napkin in hand, wild look in his eyes…)
(friend) “My god….” (then he vanishes)


Oh yeah did I mention he was his invisible friend?!? Snaps! Even that potentially 15 second snippet would be better than the filth that is being thrown our way right now. So please, do not see knowing, for if you do Nic Cage will decipher the code to make another code breaking movie.

Jottings that I will in no way try to encompass with a title

I have always loved the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but it has recently come to my attention that the guy who played the principal in that movie was charged a while back with child porn charges in real life. Doesn’t this make the movie 10x better? You now have even more reason to root for Ferris. And doesn’t he just look like a pedophile? I think after watching the eerily easy to hate character he portrayed with his Ron Jeremy mustache, we all should have seen this coming…

Don’t you just love how A-Roid is having all of these problems? I know I do! I feel like he somehow deserves this for his pompous self-righteous attitude he has carried himself with his whole career. Or maybe he just parked in too many handicapped spots while laughing at poor people, I don’t know. Either way it’s nice to know he’ll be out for the year or at the very least, be in pain every time he swings. I know this sounds cold and callous, but I just realllllly hate A-Roid (this nickname is here to stay folks!)

Although I am excited for the end of the big inflatable toilet as the twins stadium, and the incoming Target Field, I can’t help thinking we are giving up around 5 wins a year in the home-field advantage we will be somewhat losing. I only hope and pray the new leadership with offset this with a more aggressive spending strategy with the new revenue Target Field should theoretically bring in, if there is any money left in the world to bring in at that time that is.

With selection Sunday so close I must announce this, look at all of my 8-9 matchups and pick the opposite. I have gone 0-8 for the last 2 years. Conversely I own the 7-10 matchup, 7-1 in the last 2 years. It is ridiculous how bipolar I am in this sense. No doubt this trend will continue this year, I will try to altruistically post my picks so you know the predestined outcome when I have filled out my bracket (I am so pumped!!)
Teams I think will go farther than you would expect:
Wake Forest, UCLA, Washington, Villinova
Teams I think will be out sooner than you would expect:
LSU, Marquette, Illinois

Edward Rooney- We should have known...