X-Men!

I raided the Wal-Mart $5 movie bin the other day. In there they had many a great old classics which I purchased, such as Big Daddy, Donnie Darko, and as you may have already guessed, X-Men. Not only were no less than 17 “mom and pop” shops run out of business by this purchase, I also had purchased a memorable film viewing in X-Men.




First of all, let me establish that if you have never sarcastically tried to pick out every flaw a movie has aloud with a friend, go rent a movie and do it immediately. It is the tops.
Let’s break down the matchup:

“Good Guys”

Professor Xavier (Can control stuff with his mind, easily the best power)
Wolverine (Badass)
Cyclops (Ok, but worthless without his little sunglasses)
Storm (An excuse to work Halle Berry into the film…I’m ok with it if you are)
Rogue (Loner that everyone wishes would go away, basically worthless)
That other chick (you can tell how much research goes into my posts…it’s because I care… You know the one that can also control stuff with her mind but not as well as Xavier)

Vs. the “Bad Guys”

Magneto (self explanatory- easily the 2nd best power)
Frog-guy (pathetic excuse for an x-man)
Mystique (a chameleon, really magneto’s only legitimate side kick)
And lastly, Sabretooth. Sabretooth is hilarious. There is a reason he is not in the sequel. Really X-Men? This is our evil super powerful villain? Everyone else has a legitimate super power. Some are lamer than others but that is neither here nor there. Sabretooth though, it’s like he’s kinda strong…I guess. I mean he’s big he has to be strong. He cannot compete against the others and their real super powers. It’s embarrassing. He is not a part of the X-Men, he is just a sort of big hairy guy. I think he actually hurts his team every time he does anything (insert standard Sebass Telfair joke here)

I think the next X-Men should feature the return of Sabretooth, where he starts his own Mutant boarding school for mutants with limited/not substantial powers. I can see it now, with his sidekick 20/10 vision boy, and maybe Meg Griffin from family guy, if anyone out there recalls the episode where she develops the power to grow her fingernails really fast. I think the Sabretooth-Meg metaphor is spot on but I feel further elaboration and comparison is for another time.

"I am a pathetic excuse for a mutant"- Sabretooth

The Superbowl

This year’s superbowl way exceeded my expectations for a variety of reasons. First of all, I had very low expectations, which is key. Secondly, there were a lot of other non-game related activities that kept my mind occupied. Let me elaborate.

I loved how Larry Fitzgerald’s dad was cut to every time he did something/was mentioned/heart beated. He always had the same stoic expression, as to remain the objective journalist for the paper nobody has ever heard of, (Side note- Bill Simmons mocked this fact until a reader confronted him and told him that it was an African-American newspaper, then he went on to not apologize or care… brilliant) Seriously, I’ve never heard of it and I’ve lived in Minnesota my whole life. (It’s called the Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder)

I also loved how I bet on the game, talking down my buddy from the actual line of Pittsburgh -7, to Pittsburgh -4.5, only to have Pittsburgh win by 4. I was playing out ridiculous going for 2/ overtime scenarios on Pittsburgh’s last drive. They were so ridiculous I dare not mention them aloud.

The best part of the superbowl however, had to be Kurt Warner……’s wife. Seriously. I made so many Kurt Warner’s wife jokes during the superbowl it wasn’t even funny anymore (yes it was). Look at these two pictures. On one side, a pseudo dyke/trucker look, and the other a superficial nip/tuck face. Yes, they are the same human being.

How do you think this conversation went down?

Kurt: “Honey, ummm now that I’m not bagging groceries, can you maybe look hot?”
Brenda: “What is that dear?”
Kurt: “It’s just that…well…all the other players have hot wives, I mean come on…we’re all rich celebrities. We can marry up in this world. And you…you look like Rosie O’Donnell’s sloppy seconds.”
Brenda: “You’re right Kurt! It’s what God would want!” (They are very religious, just thought I would work that in for good measure)

I’m putting the over/under at 50,000 for the surgery (s) (and I think the safe money’s on the over).

The best joke of the night was easily Brenda Warner/Jimmy Claussen references. Why is Kurt making out with that punk kid from Notre Dame? Shouldn’t he be mentoring him?

Oh and by the way D-Lew/other ND fans that are reading this: Nice to see the Irish snap out of there infinity bowl game losing streak against Hawaii this year. Maybe they will step it up and a bowl win on the mainland this time around. That is assuming that Charlie Weis doesn’t have to stop coaching because his ego actually went in to orbit, joining the already several snickers bars that currently succumb to his gravitational pull.