The Price is Wrong, Bob

If you go to a taping of the esteemed game show: The Price is Right, and you are the last person to bid, do not, bid 1 dollar less than the previous bidder. I beg of you. Years off of my life span are kissed goodbye every time this happens. Why even go to the show if you have no f@*ing clue what you are doing. You are the last bidder, you have the utmost control. You can hand pick a huge range of values, typically bidding 1 dollar over the highest bid is a safe bet if bids are reasonable, but 1 dollar under? This happened twice yesterday, followed by Drew giving a smirk that can only represent, “I can’t believe how stupid that college chick is, my 4 year old could have said a more reasonable number than you, maybe put down the jello shot and pick up a book”… (wow, I feel so much better now…deep breaths…deep breaths)

Will somebody please let David Kahn know he is not getting paid on a commission basis? I loved the Ramon Sessions signing but, cmon, all of these trades are a bit much. Perhaps he is trying to compensate for royally messing up the Rubio draft? You definitely go Rubio/Curry or Flynn/Curry, because those guards complement each other much more than Rubio/Flynn who both need the ball in their hands, running the offense, to be successful. This is why non-basketball people (a lawyer in this case) should not be GMs. They can handle the money aspect of being a GM, but have no clue about team chemistry, and how players can play together. Rubio didn’t sign because he did not want to split time with Flynn, as he would have been doing. They would not have been on the floor at the same time. (at least not successfully).

But, hey, he’s still infinity times better than McHale, so I will be patient and hopeful. (Q up Morgan Freeman “Shawshank” voice) I hope the pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams.. I hope.. I hope.

I would like to formally ask Rick Reilly to retire. He used to be an ok sports writer, not my favorite, but tolerable. He has managed to transform himself from a poor man’s Bill Simmons (in terms of wittiness) to a whiny moral compass on a soapbox who makes stupid analogies (Kurt Warner’s career has had more ups and downs than an Otis elevator!!) Dumb.
He goes on to call out Tiger Woods for his “tantrums,” using his public forum to show everyone how cool it is to suggest unreasonable things of people. Here is what was wrong with what he was saying:
1) Tiger Woods is a hyper-competitive person, which is why he is the best. So if he does something that makes him mad, he’s not just going to do nothing. He might throw a club, me might drop an f-bomb. Who cares? He is under immense pressure to win every tournament he enters, so yeah, he might be a little on edge sometimes.

2) Golf is, unto itself, a frustrating sport. Are you telling me, Rick Reilly, that you never get frustrated whacking that little golf ball all over the course? Before you publicly condemn Tiger, maybe take a look in the mirror, and at every golfer in the history of ever, before you yell at Tiger.
3) Tiger has been this way his whole career. He always sports his half frustrated, half pouty face after most shots. Get over it. He’s not going to change, despite your – I have nothing relevant to write about- article.

This person has caused me untold anguish

Deep Thoughts with Brett Favre

Look, I understand a lot of people’s frustration with my recent antics. Will I or won’t I, it gets old right? The fact of the matter is I don’t have too many NFL years left in these old bones and I don’t want to go to training camp. I feel I’ve earned that right. I know many people (this blogger included) grow weary of constant updates from ESPN regarding my every movement and thought. But is that not an indictment of ESPN as much as it is me? Now that the media circus can slow down for a while let me make the case for me, Brett Favre, in Minnesota.

1) Have you seen the current Minnesota Vikings QB depth chart? I mean not just glanced, but actually take it in for a while? Let us not forget in our outrage that you fully intended to waste Adrian Peterson with the Rosenfels-Jackson merry-go-round. (Let me take this moment to spread the word that “Rosenfels” is in fact going to be the new cuss word of choice… go ahead, yell it out, I’ll wait… You liked it didn’t you.) What… you were thinking you could maybe make a “Booty Call”? John David Booty is also not the answer. C’mon people, I lead the world in all-time TD’s, give me a chance.

2) Hey Vikings fans, please don’t disregard this- the greatest opportunity given to a fan base in the history of sports. Please don’t be the “I am no longer a Vikings fan” guy. That is foolish. You can take this opportunity to rub in your Packer-fan-friend that the most popular guy in their state, perhaps the most popular athlete in Wisconsin sports history has knowingly and willingly (that isn’t to say he may not be under a confundus charm- can I get a Harry Potter shout out!) come to their most hated rival and giving a royal middle finger to all of cheese land. When we beat them, we can laugh at their children that they’ve foolishly already named Brett, and further laugh at them for foolishly worshipping a man as fickle as I like a god.

3) And lastly, remember that sports are, at the very core, entertainment. I have made millions of dollars entertaining all of my fans. Not one person can say that my being on the Vikings won’t make the season more entertaining than another T-Jack snoozefest that slowly deflates the fanbase and team alike. That first Vikes/Pack game on MNF is going to have a Superbowl-like buzz of importance. The season, good or bad, is going to be incredibly entertaining, and I think all of the Vikings’ fans out there will see it my way when we are 3-0 and all is well- at that time all this hoopla and drama will be long gone and all will be forgiven.

Lord knows this blogger is exited

An Inconvenient Truth

What has become increasingly obvious to me is that the size of a girl’s sunglasses is in direct inverse proportion to how hot she actually is. Believe me, I like many of less rock more talk’s male readers no doubt, have fallen victim to thinking a girl is good-looking simply because she was wearing oversized shades. Allow me to break it down for you.

Category 1: The “I have sunglasses, but wear them on my forehead because I’m so damn good looking”

These women own sunglasses, but have no flaws they feel necessary to cover up by wearing them. They are confident in what god, or in many cases, the steady hands of a plastic surgeon gave them. These sunglasses end up being very ineffective in preventing sunlight from hitting the iris, but have a long productive life of playfully resting atop said individuals head.

Category 2: The “I wear sensible sunglasses for practical reasons, and can do so because I am a pretty face”

Becoming rarer and rarer these days, women of this category actually wear sunglasses to shield their eyes from the harmful sun’s rays. These sunglasses are also helpful in squinting avoidance, and reduce blinking necessity. (No picture available)

Category 3: The “I wear somewhat oversized sunglasses but only do so because they are really fashionable and you can still clearly tell I am a 10” Or, the Eva Mendez category, for short.

This type of woman defies the rule that the larger the sunglass lens the less attractive the woman, and do so to spite men everywhere. They could be dressed in a large paper bag and a man would still know he was looking at a genuine beauty. Many suspect these women receive large payments in unmarked bills monthly in order to continue to wear these oversized “fashion” statements to make men think that a female in oversized sunglasses can be attractive.

Category 4: The “These sunglasses are meant to trick you, do not look directly into them, or you will submit to my will!”
These women know exactly what they were doing when they purchased those windshields and had them rounded, and attached to frames. In winter months these women are desperate, bitter and alone. However, for a fleeting socially acceptable 11-7 May thru August these women go from 4’s to 7.5’s. Men are interested in them, and laugh at their jokes. They get approached at beaches, and taken to the movies, where their dates find it strange they would continue to wear shades in a dark theatre.

Category 5: The “Swamp Donkeys”

No explanation necessary.

The Dunk Mixes: A Shout Out

I was just watching Me Thor and Tappers old dunk videos, and remembered how perfect they were. Check 'em out if you haven't already!

The first one: A riot, and no Tap didn't actually clear the fiero...or did he?? Also, yours truly dunks 1 on 10 in this vid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rgUhw--7tk

Our 2nd: GCobb brings a veteran dunking presence, Tap makes it rain, Thor solid as always.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_3WqsbD7eE&feature=related

AL vs NL: A philosophical debate

The first rule of less rock more talk is...you do not talk about fight club! Having said that..

As I’m sure I have discussed with many of the 20 year old baseball intellectuals of Plymouth recently, the American League is a vastly superior league to the National League. This is so much so I have dubbed the National League the “quadruple A all stars” (possible necessary shout out to Bill Simmons yet again?? I’m not sure I read so much of him he is a part of me) So let us officially open up this forum for me to discuss possible explanations for this uncanny phenomenon.

Let me first start by ranting about just how much better the AL truly is. Since interleague play’s inception, the AL had the better head to head record for 9 of the 13 years, and 1673 to 1534 overall. (According to Wikipedia, so take it for what you will). Also, the AL has won 12 of the last 20 world series titles. And perhaps most embarrassingly of all the American League has now not lost in 13 straight all-star games.

I mean seriously.. the AL hasn’t lost since 1996. Let’s discuss some happenings of 1996 to put this into perspective: The N64 had just been released. Bob Dole was still politically relevant (if he ever was?) running for president. Tupac was still alive for Christ’s sake! (Damn you Biggie!!)

The fact the AL is superior is a tough point to argue against, the question is why?

Theory Number 1: The Yankees and Red Sox carry the league and dominate it with their extravagant spending.
Examining the spending comparison of the two leagues (check out this link of 08 and 09 salaries: http://baseball.about.com/od/newsrumors/a/09teamsalaries.htm) I would have to say that the 2 leagues are not that far apart in payrolls, with only 8 of the top 15 team salaries in the AL. Plus, payroll does not necessarily dictate dominance. Having a higher budget is most certainly beneficial, but competence in its use is also necessary. (Recall such signings as Chan Ho Park/Carl Pavano/and dare I… Bobby Higginson??... Oh I went there) The Yankees didn’t buy their way to the 1996-2000 dynasty they had, they grew their own core of players, and sprinkled in free agents to fill in the gaps, just like the Red Sox, Phillies, and other teams have recently done. I am going to say this point has some merit, but is not altogether too relevant.

Theory Number 2: The National League cannot compete with the American League head to head because of the discrepancy the DH causes.
Sure the Manny/Ortiz Sox probably had an advantage by being able to get away with having 2 defensive liabilities in the same line up. But I do not feel a lot of AL teams have legit 9 man lineups anyway (I think Nick Punto is currently rolling around in a pile of money he doesn’t deserve and is laughing) Also, this can be a duel-edged sword in that in the NL ballparks the AL pitchers must learn how to remain focused while also hitting. So.. a huge HOW DARE YOU to anyone who suggests this; A large Michelangelo nunchuck to the dome! A tremendous –Neo-punch to Agent Smith’s chest- to you sirs! (that’s enough)

Theory Number 3: The balance of power can be fickle and this is just a time where the pendulum has swung towards the AL
A distinct possibility. Keep in mind the NL won all but 1 all star game from 1963 to 1982. (Wow actual stats and research to back up stats?!? This post is unprecedented!) Some players switching leagues can have profound impacts on teams. For instance, Manny moving to LA was an incredible shift in power. It changed the punchless Dodgers into contenders. And if Manny isn’t suspended for PED’s –pregnancy pills?- (giggle) maybe his antics carry the NL to home field advantage this year. Maybe we are reading too much into all of this, maybe it’s just something for sports writers to yap about and bloggers to blog about. Maybe. But it sure is a interesting debate, and I’m curious to know theories, so be sure to holla at me so we can sort this whole thing out!

Until next time.

His "I can't believe I was just referenced in a blog in 2009" face

Twins Talk

As I sat at the Twins game on Tuesday night, I noted that no other human being projected the “I am a slap hitter vibe” more than Nyjer Morgan. I called him a poor man’s Juan Pierre, a rich man’s Otis Nixon. I mocked his high socks and baggy pants. I laughed at the fact he had no home runs in 200+ at bats this year. Then, bam, over the baggy. Everyone around me mocked me profusely, and rightfully so. I now will add Nyjer Morgan to athletes I hate for an irrational reason. (Really?? This guy hit a home run?? Really????)

Two old men behind me thought they were freakin’ hilarious at the game too. A hot dog vendor was pitching his hot dogs up and the one old man says, (very sarcastic tone) “Whatcha got there…Hormel???” (rowdy old people laughter ensues) “I only eat Oscar Meyer!” (more obnoxious old man laughter, followed by me shaking my head and burying said head in my hands in shame for being in such close proximity to such an event) If anyone can explain how this would be remotely funny to any human being, please try to explain… I’m at a loss for words.

Umm… Joe Mauer is really really good. I’m not sure if pitchers are trying anymore. They are just throwing it in there, thinking he’ll probably get a hit anyway. Seriously… this is ridiculous. Nobody should make a mockery of professional pitching like he is currently doing.

What a great day for Minnesota sports! Mchale’s tyrannous reign is over and Jesse Crain is riding a bus with his new teammates in AAA Rochester!!! Yes!!!!! I think an angel just got its wings. I might cry its so beautiful. I can now only pray that he stays down there…forever. Perhaps if we all pitched in we could buy a crane game from Chuck E. Cheese and send it to the Twins clubhouse. So if they ever feel the urge to call him back up, they could just waste a couple dollars, not get a stuffed animal, and remember what Mr. Crain brought to the table, nothing but pain and suffering.

I think it’s safe to say Fransisco Liriano is damaged goods. He just doesn’t have the same velocity he used to have, nor does he have the same bite on that slider of his. This isn’t 2006. Send him to the bullpen, send a message. He’s going to have to start locating like every other pitcher in the show that has average stuff. Because that’s what he has now, average stuff. The middle of the plate is no place for a 90 mph fastball with little to no movement, just like show business was no place for Christina Aguilera.

And did I already say Joe Mauer is really really good? Well if I didn’t, he is. Seriously. And have you ever seen Joe Mauer and Superman in the same room at the same time? Think about it.

Article from "The Onion"

I just wanted to post this article to the less rock more talk faithful. It is a delight. Women everywhere are probably thinking, "thats not funny, thats sensible, I can idenify with this female, like I do in every romantic comedy I watch over and over again."

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
Best friends. Friends forever.