NASCAR: code for Mensa?

Check out this vid Exactly how I envision the inner workings of NASCAR:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nascar_coach_reveals_winning

There's no place like less rock more talk for the holidays

At first, I thought the Giants were fools to rent AJ Pierzynski for perennial all-star closer Joe Nathan, the once cool Francisco Liriano, and Boof Bonser. But then I realized, they got rid of Boof Bonser, so they were the true winners. Seriously. His fastball is straighter than Brad Pitt in a strip club. (can that define straightness?? I mean if I were to make a crooked joke, I’d say Freddy Mercury at a Village people concert. Screw it, just think Brad Pitt in Fight Club... if that’s not straight I don’t know what is) Furthermore, the pitch always located with all the precision of a recovering meth addict with Parkinsons. I think if a sea lion mated with raccoon, and that offspring and a large turd produced a child, that child would be Boof Bonser.

Boof Bonser: I hate you. I’ve hated you since I first laid eyes upon you. I hate everything about you, your stupid face, your stupid name, the stupid red bulls you pound in incessantly with that “woe is me” look on your face. And now you are gone!!! (Cue up the stereotypical cinco de mayo celebratory trumpets… you know what I’m talking about people!) .

Can we just establish that this guys’ name is John, but wants to be called Boof. I know we’ve become desensitized to this being Twins fans over the years, but something is seriously not right about this. No one’s nickname should be Boof. Have fun with him Red Sox! Best of luck, and hope you like unmeasurable ERAs! (restraining….self…from…further…personal…attacks)

I apologize to anyone who has made one of these groups, and please prove me wrong- But I do not feel the whole If (unrealistic number) people join this group my (insert relationship to other person here) will (do something crazy/kick a bad habit/stop going on murderous rampages) is a reasonable way to attempt to do something crazy/kick a bad habit/stop going on murderous rampages.

*editors note- this blog does not condone murderous rampages regardless of the amount of people on facebook that support you not killing people without mercy. Please refrain from killing people no matter what happens on your profile on your social networking site of choice Thanks. *
If you want to quit smoking, quit smoking. If you can’t kick the habit on your own, elicit the support of your friends and family. I fail to see how the feigned support of 10,000 random strangers could persuade anyone to take some sort of action. This is reaching a “farmville/mobsters” zone of annoying aspects of facebook.

Facebook is a great way to keep with your friends, but let’s not make it into something it’s not with these annoying groups. Pretty please? K thanks

----These 2 guys support your quest to conquer mount Everest!! Only 39,998 people to go before you summon the courage to do so!

Also, when you google image search Boof Bonser, one of the results is Doug Funny. I don't know what this means. All I know is that I like it.

Another long winded rant about things that upset me

Hello everyone! I apologize to the outspoken minority of you who for whatever reason enjoy this incoherant babble known as my blog. Without further delay:

In a previous blog many a moon ago, I recanted a moment that no doubt occurred in everyone’s childhood. They played rec league basketball against a kid in a pair of jeans. This is forgivable (barely) seeing as everyone is still figuring out life, and in no way completely grasps social norms. Plus, that kid was always kind of a weirdo who we felt bad for, and who did not bathe regularly. There was one in every town. However, on a college campus, l beg of you, do not come into a gym and attempt to play ball in khaki shorts and a polo. I will not pass to you. I will not acknowledge you in any way. You could conceivably very soon join the work force, and be a full fledged productive citizen, maybe even in a few years contribute your DNA to the gene pool of the next generation. You should not at this point in your life be baffled as to proper athletic attire.

I will suggest this though: Double SECRET probation for 1st time offenders (summoning my inner Dean Wermer and smirking maniacally to myself), and as for after that… expulsion from this campus!! (2nd time offenders will not be missed) On second thought, no not expulsion, but rather in a Hester Prynne like fashion, be forced sport a “scarlet letter” of sorts around campus for a year. A “P” for polo-wearer, or perhaps a “C” for completely unaware of proper gym rules/guidelines. Either way, something must be done, lest I be mildly annoyed forever.

Why do I continue to actively root for the Wolves? Do I enjoy pain and sorrow that much? After Kahn royally botched this last draft by selecting 3 point guards, and then signing another one (I admittedly liked the Ramon Sessions signing initially, however). Of course Ricky Rubio didn’t want to come over here and fight for minutes on a bad team. I mean who wouldn’t want to be able to drive and kick the formidable frontcourt of Ryan Hollins (career av 3 pts/2 boards) and Nathan Jawai (half man/half goodyear blimp—Note in this picture, he is storing a small child in his cheeks for the winter--).

And to top it all off Kurt Rambis refuses to play Wayne Ellington as though if he did the entire crowd would light themselves on fire. He even went as far to say he might want Ellington to be sent down to D-league to get some minutes, as if it would be completely preposterous for a rookie first rounder to get his feet wet on a 1-14 team whose lone win was against an 0-15 team.

Gahhhh. I apologize, the Wolves are my weakness. I should in no way care about this team anymore, they have betrayed me 1000 times. They are worthless, and pathetic, and I will likely attend a game in person this year. (Next step: Intervention??)

Also, we still owe the Clippers this draft pick: http://www.insidehoops.com/jaric-cassell-trade-081305.shtml Thank god Joe Mauer and Jared Allen exist.

If you’ll excuse me I’ll be in my room creating an altar to Coach K, designing my 2009-2010 NCAA Champions: Duke T-Shirt. (Immense internal debate btwn allowing Zoubek to be apart of the shirt, currently thinking no) Good Day to you!

Survivorship

Attention less rock more talk faithful: It has officially been 1 year of blogging! 33 blog posts later we are still cooking with a readership of approximately my male friends. Having acknowledged this, I feel compelled to let you know what has been bugging me for some time, and have only now been able to accurately put into words:

I and several others have discussed the intrinsic quality that many people/characters just do not possess, being a survivor. It is obvious in some films that certain characters are going to die.

Soon.

3 Not-Survivor types

The “Arst” Type:
This, no doubt poorly developed character has been introduced much later into the show/movie than any reasonable character should be. They are uninteresting and clearly are there to die in a humiliating way. For those of you unfamiliar (how dare you) Dr. Arst was introduced some 20 episodes into the show just in time for the gang to discover some old dynamite they would like to use. As he attempts to explain the dangers of dynamite, boom- little chunks of him are strewn er’where. Followed by the line- “Dude you have some Arst on you.”

The “Black guy in an older movie that has some underlying racism type”
Often stereotyped, and probably now cliché, it still has merit. Sure as the first round of voting in “The Weakest Link” the minority has got to go. I can’t say I condone it. I have just come to accept it. At least in a movie the guy only has to have a rod stuck through his chest, or something of the like, rather that hearing an old british wench make a snooty snippet at him/her as they must leave the arena (Underrated, but ultimately doomed to fail show).

The “Too sassy for their own good type”
Likely a loud latina woman, or a proud asian. This person clearly has overstepped their bounds at every turn. Definitely not a survivor. They’re overall gung ho attitude simply cannot be backed up by their lack of girth and common sense. They shall not be missed, nor mentioned in the credits.

3 Survivor types

Type 1: The “I am sexy but in a spunky kind of way, and am somewhat flirting with the/ am the main character and thus the male viewing audience is intrigued type”
Look for them to be wearing khaki, and perhaps have something tied around their waist. Hair tied back a must!! See: Anything with Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Gardner, Kelly Brook (if british), Famke Janssen (if mutant/have superpowers) Julia Roberts (If blind, deaf, dumb, handicapped).

Type 2: The “Muscles McBang Bang type”
You are clearly cut in ways the human body should not be. You have vast amounts of exotic and deadly weapons at your disposal. Yeah, you are surviving and everyone freakin’ knows it. And who are they to say you’re not a survivor anyway? They are ants do you hear me??? Ants!!?!!? Do you know what we do to ants?!?? (Releasing Battle Cry)

Type 3: The “Tom Cruise in a movie that rythmes with The Ghast Lamurai type”
In this type of movie Tom Cruise is adopted into a friendly Samurai culture and taught ancient traditions. He is at first a hard-nosed ass, but softens up and gains perspective on life in the process. This type of person is a survivor because apparently bullets are racist (I see a theme Hollywood). I know Tom Cruise is probably comparable in height to a small Pomeranian, but cmon- If:
a)You lead a charge of barely armed men into battle

b) You get shot at by various types of machine guns/high powered weapons
c) You see everyone else around you die, and then kill your new best friend to put him out of his misery
You probably too should die. But, the fightin’ pygmy scientologist lives to see another day, thus is our survivor type 3.

Classic Tom

October Jottings, October Jottings, October Jottings

Quick Mets thought:

Kudos to the New York Mets for saving everyone the time, and blowing the NL East in May this year. I really appreciate it. I mean it’s not like you have the 2nd highest payroll in the entire MLB. Maybe you should just use that money as toilet paper, or macramé perhaps, rather than lock up Oliver Perez for 12 mill a year. I can’t believe this isn’t a bigger story. It’s a disgrace. Even the Nationals feel bad, and are taking them under their wing, showing them how losing is really done. “When guys get on base, don’t get mad, they’ll probably end up scoring anyway. Just think about the pizza party after the game at Chuck E. Cheese, that’s what we do.”

(Too soon?)

Having said that…

The Vikings are incredibly exciting. In fact, they are easily the most entertaining team in the entire NFL. If we were a bigger market, I think that ESPN would have already created an ESPNV channel to simply cover them. (Hmm I seem to remember predicting how entertaining this team would be??).

The only fair comparison is that the Vikings ARE the really really drunk girl at a party. Let me explain.

There’s one at every party. This gives every sober/buzzing person endless enjoyment. It is edge-of-your-seat stuff. Did she just fall over for no apparent reason? Who’s handle is she drooling over now? Did she just throw up on an ottoman? You absolutely never know what is going to happen next.

The Vikings are the same way:

Brett Favre: While announcers doing everything short of getting to third base with him, he is trying his best to suppress his gunslinging instincts, and all the while slapping ref’s behinds after touchdowns, jumping around like a little kid, and oh yeah, PLAYING FOR HIS OLD TEAM OF 17 YEARS ARCHRIVAL.

Adrian Peterson: Could break an 80 yard run on this handoff, could fumble in immediately. Only god knows.

Percy Harvin: Sooooo electric.(I said ooh girl. Shock me like an electric eel… Possible new MGMT theme music?? Think about it Percy) He’s one of those guys where even though I know how fast he is, I still cringe and oooh and ahh as people look silly attempting to tackle him.

Jared Allen - Jared Allen posted a video on youtube of him spearing an Elk, and shooting a buffalo with a bow and arrow. Also, check out his priceless T-Shirts. Hilarious, all posed by Jared and with matching descriptions: http://shop.jaredallen69inc.com/index.php?cPath=1_4

Also, just so we are on the same page: The man has a mullet.

Cedric Griffin/Benny Sapp- Remain cornerbacks that play for our team.

Brad Childress- You never know if he’s going to kick the extra point down 2: http://lessrock-moretalk.blogspot.com/2008/10/vikings.html Or run when he should pass, or finally laugh maniacally and declare he actually has never played/coached football ever, and can’t believe he’s gotten away with it for this long.

You never know what is going to happen. The Vikings are that drunk girl, and here’s to them never sobering up.

I'm serious...you...you..you could be a comedian

The Price is Wrong, Bob

If you go to a taping of the esteemed game show: The Price is Right, and you are the last person to bid, do not, bid 1 dollar less than the previous bidder. I beg of you. Years off of my life span are kissed goodbye every time this happens. Why even go to the show if you have no f@*ing clue what you are doing. You are the last bidder, you have the utmost control. You can hand pick a huge range of values, typically bidding 1 dollar over the highest bid is a safe bet if bids are reasonable, but 1 dollar under? This happened twice yesterday, followed by Drew giving a smirk that can only represent, “I can’t believe how stupid that college chick is, my 4 year old could have said a more reasonable number than you, maybe put down the jello shot and pick up a book”… (wow, I feel so much better now…deep breaths…deep breaths)

Will somebody please let David Kahn know he is not getting paid on a commission basis? I loved the Ramon Sessions signing but, cmon, all of these trades are a bit much. Perhaps he is trying to compensate for royally messing up the Rubio draft? You definitely go Rubio/Curry or Flynn/Curry, because those guards complement each other much more than Rubio/Flynn who both need the ball in their hands, running the offense, to be successful. This is why non-basketball people (a lawyer in this case) should not be GMs. They can handle the money aspect of being a GM, but have no clue about team chemistry, and how players can play together. Rubio didn’t sign because he did not want to split time with Flynn, as he would have been doing. They would not have been on the floor at the same time. (at least not successfully).

But, hey, he’s still infinity times better than McHale, so I will be patient and hopeful. (Q up Morgan Freeman “Shawshank” voice) I hope the pacific is as blue as it is in my dreams.. I hope.. I hope.

I would like to formally ask Rick Reilly to retire. He used to be an ok sports writer, not my favorite, but tolerable. He has managed to transform himself from a poor man’s Bill Simmons (in terms of wittiness) to a whiny moral compass on a soapbox who makes stupid analogies (Kurt Warner’s career has had more ups and downs than an Otis elevator!!) Dumb.
He goes on to call out Tiger Woods for his “tantrums,” using his public forum to show everyone how cool it is to suggest unreasonable things of people. Here is what was wrong with what he was saying:
1) Tiger Woods is a hyper-competitive person, which is why he is the best. So if he does something that makes him mad, he’s not just going to do nothing. He might throw a club, me might drop an f-bomb. Who cares? He is under immense pressure to win every tournament he enters, so yeah, he might be a little on edge sometimes.

2) Golf is, unto itself, a frustrating sport. Are you telling me, Rick Reilly, that you never get frustrated whacking that little golf ball all over the course? Before you publicly condemn Tiger, maybe take a look in the mirror, and at every golfer in the history of ever, before you yell at Tiger.
3) Tiger has been this way his whole career. He always sports his half frustrated, half pouty face after most shots. Get over it. He’s not going to change, despite your – I have nothing relevant to write about- article.

This person has caused me untold anguish

Deep Thoughts with Brett Favre

Look, I understand a lot of people’s frustration with my recent antics. Will I or won’t I, it gets old right? The fact of the matter is I don’t have too many NFL years left in these old bones and I don’t want to go to training camp. I feel I’ve earned that right. I know many people (this blogger included) grow weary of constant updates from ESPN regarding my every movement and thought. But is that not an indictment of ESPN as much as it is me? Now that the media circus can slow down for a while let me make the case for me, Brett Favre, in Minnesota.

1) Have you seen the current Minnesota Vikings QB depth chart? I mean not just glanced, but actually take it in for a while? Let us not forget in our outrage that you fully intended to waste Adrian Peterson with the Rosenfels-Jackson merry-go-round. (Let me take this moment to spread the word that “Rosenfels” is in fact going to be the new cuss word of choice… go ahead, yell it out, I’ll wait… You liked it didn’t you.) What… you were thinking you could maybe make a “Booty Call”? John David Booty is also not the answer. C’mon people, I lead the world in all-time TD’s, give me a chance.

2) Hey Vikings fans, please don’t disregard this- the greatest opportunity given to a fan base in the history of sports. Please don’t be the “I am no longer a Vikings fan” guy. That is foolish. You can take this opportunity to rub in your Packer-fan-friend that the most popular guy in their state, perhaps the most popular athlete in Wisconsin sports history has knowingly and willingly (that isn’t to say he may not be under a confundus charm- can I get a Harry Potter shout out!) come to their most hated rival and giving a royal middle finger to all of cheese land. When we beat them, we can laugh at their children that they’ve foolishly already named Brett, and further laugh at them for foolishly worshipping a man as fickle as I like a god.

3) And lastly, remember that sports are, at the very core, entertainment. I have made millions of dollars entertaining all of my fans. Not one person can say that my being on the Vikings won’t make the season more entertaining than another T-Jack snoozefest that slowly deflates the fanbase and team alike. That first Vikes/Pack game on MNF is going to have a Superbowl-like buzz of importance. The season, good or bad, is going to be incredibly entertaining, and I think all of the Vikings’ fans out there will see it my way when we are 3-0 and all is well- at that time all this hoopla and drama will be long gone and all will be forgiven.

Lord knows this blogger is exited

An Inconvenient Truth

What has become increasingly obvious to me is that the size of a girl’s sunglasses is in direct inverse proportion to how hot she actually is. Believe me, I like many of less rock more talk’s male readers no doubt, have fallen victim to thinking a girl is good-looking simply because she was wearing oversized shades. Allow me to break it down for you.

Category 1: The “I have sunglasses, but wear them on my forehead because I’m so damn good looking”

These women own sunglasses, but have no flaws they feel necessary to cover up by wearing them. They are confident in what god, or in many cases, the steady hands of a plastic surgeon gave them. These sunglasses end up being very ineffective in preventing sunlight from hitting the iris, but have a long productive life of playfully resting atop said individuals head.

Category 2: The “I wear sensible sunglasses for practical reasons, and can do so because I am a pretty face”

Becoming rarer and rarer these days, women of this category actually wear sunglasses to shield their eyes from the harmful sun’s rays. These sunglasses are also helpful in squinting avoidance, and reduce blinking necessity. (No picture available)

Category 3: The “I wear somewhat oversized sunglasses but only do so because they are really fashionable and you can still clearly tell I am a 10” Or, the Eva Mendez category, for short.

This type of woman defies the rule that the larger the sunglass lens the less attractive the woman, and do so to spite men everywhere. They could be dressed in a large paper bag and a man would still know he was looking at a genuine beauty. Many suspect these women receive large payments in unmarked bills monthly in order to continue to wear these oversized “fashion” statements to make men think that a female in oversized sunglasses can be attractive.

Category 4: The “These sunglasses are meant to trick you, do not look directly into them, or you will submit to my will!”
These women know exactly what they were doing when they purchased those windshields and had them rounded, and attached to frames. In winter months these women are desperate, bitter and alone. However, for a fleeting socially acceptable 11-7 May thru August these women go from 4’s to 7.5’s. Men are interested in them, and laugh at their jokes. They get approached at beaches, and taken to the movies, where their dates find it strange they would continue to wear shades in a dark theatre.

Category 5: The “Swamp Donkeys”

No explanation necessary.

The Dunk Mixes: A Shout Out

I was just watching Me Thor and Tappers old dunk videos, and remembered how perfect they were. Check 'em out if you haven't already!

The first one: A riot, and no Tap didn't actually clear the fiero...or did he?? Also, yours truly dunks 1 on 10 in this vid. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7rgUhw--7tk

Our 2nd: GCobb brings a veteran dunking presence, Tap makes it rain, Thor solid as always.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_3WqsbD7eE&feature=related

AL vs NL: A philosophical debate

The first rule of less rock more talk is...you do not talk about fight club! Having said that..

As I’m sure I have discussed with many of the 20 year old baseball intellectuals of Plymouth recently, the American League is a vastly superior league to the National League. This is so much so I have dubbed the National League the “quadruple A all stars” (possible necessary shout out to Bill Simmons yet again?? I’m not sure I read so much of him he is a part of me) So let us officially open up this forum for me to discuss possible explanations for this uncanny phenomenon.

Let me first start by ranting about just how much better the AL truly is. Since interleague play’s inception, the AL had the better head to head record for 9 of the 13 years, and 1673 to 1534 overall. (According to Wikipedia, so take it for what you will). Also, the AL has won 12 of the last 20 world series titles. And perhaps most embarrassingly of all the American League has now not lost in 13 straight all-star games.

I mean seriously.. the AL hasn’t lost since 1996. Let’s discuss some happenings of 1996 to put this into perspective: The N64 had just been released. Bob Dole was still politically relevant (if he ever was?) running for president. Tupac was still alive for Christ’s sake! (Damn you Biggie!!)

The fact the AL is superior is a tough point to argue against, the question is why?

Theory Number 1: The Yankees and Red Sox carry the league and dominate it with their extravagant spending.
Examining the spending comparison of the two leagues (check out this link of 08 and 09 salaries: http://baseball.about.com/od/newsrumors/a/09teamsalaries.htm) I would have to say that the 2 leagues are not that far apart in payrolls, with only 8 of the top 15 team salaries in the AL. Plus, payroll does not necessarily dictate dominance. Having a higher budget is most certainly beneficial, but competence in its use is also necessary. (Recall such signings as Chan Ho Park/Carl Pavano/and dare I… Bobby Higginson??... Oh I went there) The Yankees didn’t buy their way to the 1996-2000 dynasty they had, they grew their own core of players, and sprinkled in free agents to fill in the gaps, just like the Red Sox, Phillies, and other teams have recently done. I am going to say this point has some merit, but is not altogether too relevant.

Theory Number 2: The National League cannot compete with the American League head to head because of the discrepancy the DH causes.
Sure the Manny/Ortiz Sox probably had an advantage by being able to get away with having 2 defensive liabilities in the same line up. But I do not feel a lot of AL teams have legit 9 man lineups anyway (I think Nick Punto is currently rolling around in a pile of money he doesn’t deserve and is laughing) Also, this can be a duel-edged sword in that in the NL ballparks the AL pitchers must learn how to remain focused while also hitting. So.. a huge HOW DARE YOU to anyone who suggests this; A large Michelangelo nunchuck to the dome! A tremendous –Neo-punch to Agent Smith’s chest- to you sirs! (that’s enough)

Theory Number 3: The balance of power can be fickle and this is just a time where the pendulum has swung towards the AL
A distinct possibility. Keep in mind the NL won all but 1 all star game from 1963 to 1982. (Wow actual stats and research to back up stats?!? This post is unprecedented!) Some players switching leagues can have profound impacts on teams. For instance, Manny moving to LA was an incredible shift in power. It changed the punchless Dodgers into contenders. And if Manny isn’t suspended for PED’s –pregnancy pills?- (giggle) maybe his antics carry the NL to home field advantage this year. Maybe we are reading too much into all of this, maybe it’s just something for sports writers to yap about and bloggers to blog about. Maybe. But it sure is a interesting debate, and I’m curious to know theories, so be sure to holla at me so we can sort this whole thing out!

Until next time.

His "I can't believe I was just referenced in a blog in 2009" face

Twins Talk

As I sat at the Twins game on Tuesday night, I noted that no other human being projected the “I am a slap hitter vibe” more than Nyjer Morgan. I called him a poor man’s Juan Pierre, a rich man’s Otis Nixon. I mocked his high socks and baggy pants. I laughed at the fact he had no home runs in 200+ at bats this year. Then, bam, over the baggy. Everyone around me mocked me profusely, and rightfully so. I now will add Nyjer Morgan to athletes I hate for an irrational reason. (Really?? This guy hit a home run?? Really????)

Two old men behind me thought they were freakin’ hilarious at the game too. A hot dog vendor was pitching his hot dogs up and the one old man says, (very sarcastic tone) “Whatcha got there…Hormel???” (rowdy old people laughter ensues) “I only eat Oscar Meyer!” (more obnoxious old man laughter, followed by me shaking my head and burying said head in my hands in shame for being in such close proximity to such an event) If anyone can explain how this would be remotely funny to any human being, please try to explain… I’m at a loss for words.

Umm… Joe Mauer is really really good. I’m not sure if pitchers are trying anymore. They are just throwing it in there, thinking he’ll probably get a hit anyway. Seriously… this is ridiculous. Nobody should make a mockery of professional pitching like he is currently doing.

What a great day for Minnesota sports! Mchale’s tyrannous reign is over and Jesse Crain is riding a bus with his new teammates in AAA Rochester!!! Yes!!!!! I think an angel just got its wings. I might cry its so beautiful. I can now only pray that he stays down there…forever. Perhaps if we all pitched in we could buy a crane game from Chuck E. Cheese and send it to the Twins clubhouse. So if they ever feel the urge to call him back up, they could just waste a couple dollars, not get a stuffed animal, and remember what Mr. Crain brought to the table, nothing but pain and suffering.

I think it’s safe to say Fransisco Liriano is damaged goods. He just doesn’t have the same velocity he used to have, nor does he have the same bite on that slider of his. This isn’t 2006. Send him to the bullpen, send a message. He’s going to have to start locating like every other pitcher in the show that has average stuff. Because that’s what he has now, average stuff. The middle of the plate is no place for a 90 mph fastball with little to no movement, just like show business was no place for Christina Aguilera.

And did I already say Joe Mauer is really really good? Well if I didn’t, he is. Seriously. And have you ever seen Joe Mauer and Superman in the same room at the same time? Think about it.

Article from "The Onion"

I just wanted to post this article to the less rock more talk faithful. It is a delight. Women everywhere are probably thinking, "thats not funny, thats sensible, I can idenify with this female, like I do in every romantic comedy I watch over and over again."

I really like you. I do. You're so nice, and sweet, and you listen to all my problems and respond with the appropriate compliments. But, well, I don't really see a relationship in our future. It would be terrible if we let sex destroy this great friendship we have where I get everything I want and you get nothing you want. Don't you think?
I knew you would understand. You always do.

We're so perfect as friends, you know? I can tell you anything, and you know you can always come to me anytime you need to hear me bitch about work or how ugly I feel. You wouldn't want to ruin a friendship like that just so you could be my boyfriend, and have me look at you with desire and longing in my eyes, if only once—would you? Of course not. Well, if we started dating, it would only complicate this wonderful setup I've got going here.

It's just…you're like my best friend, and I would hate for something you desperately want to change that. I mean, sure, we could go on some dates, maybe mess around a little and finally validate the six years you've spent languishing in this platonic nightmare, but then what? How could we ever go back to the way we were, where I take advantage of your clear attraction to me so I can have someone at my beck and call? That part of our friendship means so much to me.
No. We are just destined to be really, really good friends who only hang out when I don't have a boyfriend, but still need male attention to boost my fragile and all-consuming ego.

Anything can happen once you bring romance in. Think about how awful my last relationship was at the end, remember? The guy I'd call you crying about at 3 a.m. because he wouldn't answer my texts? The guy I met at the birthday party you threw me? I had insanely passionate sex with him for four months and now we don't even talk anymore. God, I would die if something like that happened to us.

Plus, ick, can you even imagine getting naked in front of each other? I've known you so long, you're more like a brother that I've drunkenly made out with twice and never mentioned again. It'd be way too weird. And if we did, then whenever you'd come shopping with me, or go to one of my performances or charity events, or take me for ice cream when I've had a bad day at work, you'd be looking at me like, "I've seen her breasts." God, I can't think of anything more awkward that that.

Oh, before I forget, my mom says hi.
Anyway, you would totally hate me as your girlfriend. I'd be all needy and dramatic and slowly growing to love you. If I was your girlfriend, I would never be able to tell you all about the other asshole guys I date and pretend I don't see how much it crushes you. Let's never lose that. That's what makes us us.

Don't worry. You're so funny and smart and amazing, any girl but me would be lucky to date you. You'll find someone, I know it. And when you do, I'll be right by your side to suddenly become all flirty and affectionate with you in front of her, until she grows jealous and won't believe it when you say we're just friends. But when she dumps you, that's just what we'll be.
Best friends. Friends forever.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

The Good:

I just watched the movie, “The Hangover” and wow, it was absolute perfection. It had a certain quirky pace and cadence to it that is unparalleled in today’s comedies. I, like many others have had a few laughs at the Paul Rudd/Seth Rogan empire on comedy. They have produced some quality films, but each are getting a tad redundant (see Zach and Miri make a porno, for example).

Zach Galifianakis is phenomenal in this movie. This should be his coming out party as he has been an incredibly underrated comedian for too long. His casting with Ed Helms, Bradley Cooper, and Justin Bartha make for the perfect quartet of crazy (or wolfpack, for those who have seen the film).

But I digress! The movie was incredibly outrageous, and definitely deserved its R rating and then some, but you go to the movies to be entertained, and be entertained you shall! This blogger gives it 4 out of 4 stars. I tried really hard not to get specific in this encouragement to go watch this movie again and again if you have not already done so!

The Bad:

Utilizing my Netflix prescription, I recently took a gamble on the movie “Derailed”. It may have been one of the worst decisions of my young life. It was boring, and anti-climactic. It had random subplots that were never really addressed (his daughters diabetes??) Those of you who were tricked into thinking you might be renting a suspenseful thriller can feel my pain.

Jennifer Aniston gave us her typical blah performance. Hell, she got out-acted by each of the dogs used to make “Marley and Me”, so why should this time have been any different? The plot was incredibly predictable, and at times ridiculously far-fetched. *note- if you actually intend to watch this pile of @#$% despite my plea, stop reading now, major spoilers ahead*

Ok… plot flaws-

1) Why is Clive Owen’s character paying this jackass ALL OF HIS SAVINGS, (including money saved for the previously mentioned random diabetes side plot) just to not tell his wife he cheated on her, once, sort of, WHEN THE GUY HE’S PAYING HAS NO PROOF AT ALL. (pardon the all caps, it is just sooo egregious)

2) How was he not convicted, or even questioned more heavily in the death of Winston. His DNA was all over that car, and he was a prime suspect, interviewed by the black detective, and with no legit alibi. There is no way he gets away completely scot free. This is the 21st century. Detectives have crime labs at their disposal with incredibly sophisticated techniques that would leave him about 0% chance of them not knowing he was at the scene after his brilliant tactics of paying off hookers and almost pushing the car into a river.

3) Sweet plot twist with Aniston’s character being in on the whole scheme. That totally fooled me, it was like, whoa, did NOT see the only possible plot twist coming. Also, maybe you should have shot the first half of the movie and told her she was innocent, and then dropped the “plot twist” on her, so she can “act” accordingly. Seriously, terrible.

4) Since when does the bumbling borderline mentally challenged Charles Schine (Clive Owen’s character) go from Rain man to Rambo? He was a totally believable sap, but come on. No way he outwits the man conning him. Zero chance. Also, Clive Owen is the worst protagonist in an action movie ever. So why make a new movie, “The International”, as though anyone thinks he is cool with a gun in his hand. I think the best way to describe his serious face, is 1/3 angry because he’s never been loved, 1/3 bewildered, and 1/3 constipated. (you know its bad when I’m begging for a Paul Walker sighting)

In summary, I really really want 2 hours of my life back.

The Ugly: Renee Zellweger.

Gross.

Fan Mail

As Less Rock More Talk picks up more and more readership across the country, I thought it would be appropriate to respond to some fan mail.

Does anyone look more out of place/hopelessly confused than I do right now?
-Stan V.G. from Orlando

Amnesiac: Hmm Yeah I would put you up there in my top 3 with Tom Cruise in “The Last Samurai” and Renee Zellweger ever.

Yo Amnesiac- What should Mike Vick do now that his prison sentence has been terminated? Love your stuff! - Arnold S from California

Amnesiac: Glad you asked. I just so happen to have several very shrewd suggestions for Mr. Vick:

1) Hire a local artist to do a remake of the infamous, “dogs playing poker” painting, with Vick casually playing cards, smoking a cigar, and laughing with his 4-legged friends. This would show how carefree and loveable he is to the public

2) Convince comic Jim Davis to draw Vick into the Garfield comic strip where he would help Odie exact revenge on Garfield for all of the wrongdoings in the cartoons 30+ years of print. These hilarious hijinks would help him secure the 8-14 demographic

3) Throw puppies out of a hot air balloon declaring “Puppies for all!” People would see how much he loves animals, and how he wants everyone to have animals. I see no flaws in this plan.

4) Re-release the movie “Marley and Me” with Vick playing the

vet that puts Marley to sleep at the end. Except, have “Dr. Vick” use a half nelson rather than the typical peaceful injection. He has to win back the WWF crowd somehow.

5) Also, make an “Air Bud 12” (I think they are on 12, I’m not even sure if the studio is counting anymore) where Air Bud does not play sports like the previous movies, but rather engages in fireside chats with Michael about life. They do this because Air Bud is dying and wants to get his message to the world. This emotional uplifting movie entitled “Wednesdays with Air Bud” is a virtual guarantee to start the waterworks with any audience.

Dear Amnesiac- What could possibly possess a man to attempt to steal 2nd with the bases loaded? I mean honestly?? - Logan B from Minnesota

Amnesiac: (no comment)

Twins Bullpen Rant

Some have accused this blog of being too negative...

They are absolutely correct.

On that note, I give you: the Twins bullpen rant.

The Outcasts

Luis Ayala- Coming in with a silly bad 1.75 WHIP/5.63 ERA, he still somehow has convinced Gardy that he is worthy of logging significant innings. Either ignorant or insane, Ayala is under the impression that poorly located 87 mph sinkers are capable of getting professional hitters out. Thank god Mauer is hitting .800.

Jesse Crain- His ERA is back in single digits, an impressive 8.10, which is a start. After 260+ professional appearances, Crain seems to be thinking about developing a pitch to complement the belt high fastballs he has been insulting fans with for years. Gardenhire, much like a child at Chuck E. Cheese, insists on playing the “crane game” ad nauseum. The only problem is that nobody wins the crane game. Nobody.

The Suspect

Craig Breslow- an impressive ERA/WHIP/BA against of 1.63/0.98/.180 last year make his current numbers of 6.75/1.69/.222 perplexing. This leads me to scream at Breslow -Ben Affleck in Good Will Huntingesque- “You’re Suspect!” If he can get control issues under control the former Ivy Leaguer could become a serviceable middle reliever again.

Matt Guerrier- Decent ERA/WHIP of 4.43/0.93 are promising. However his penchant for giving up big home runs sometimes leave me wondering how Pat Neshek is doing..

RA Dickey- Known innings eater Dickey, aka Bearded Jesus, really embodies the 2009 Twins’ bullpen. He is enigmatic, and often times misused, brought into bases loaded situations putting handcuffs on his knuckleball. He could be an effective anchor to the long relief corps, or as leader of the free world. Take your pick.

Summoning the ghost of Eric Gagne

Jose Mijares- I will attempt to give constructive criticism despite my man crush on Mijares. Who am I kidding, I won’t. I love Jose Mijares. 11 K’s in 9 IP, ERA/WHIP of 2.89/0.96. A great live arm coming out of the bullpen, he should project as our set up man for years to come once he irons out some consistency issues.

Joe Nathan- Career 9+ K per 9, ERA/WHIP 2.79/1.12. Brings a plus fastball/curve/slider to the table every night with great control (career 2.5:1 K:BB) Too bad we bought this shiny anchor without that great of a boat… I still thank AJ Pierzynski for giving us both him and Franny every day. Although, the argument could be made the Giants knew what they were doing by somehow convincing the Twins to willingly allow Boof Bonser onto their active roster...

I hate Boof Bonser.

May Jottings

I’m already concerned about Percy Harvin. He did not show up to mini-camp (although this is now known to be because of hospitalization). He failed a drug test that he knew he would be getting at the combine. I know the Viqueens are thinking he slipped in a Randy Moss-esque way to them in the late first round, but I remain forever skeptical. The Sage-Harvin hook up may sound sexy in May but we will have to see come September. (Next season might be the end of me, my blood pressure will be reaching unhealthy levels) I now will continue by making a plea to the heavens—Please Percy… put the me myself and I show on hiatus, if you make the pro bowl, you can bring it back, you can even leave fungus on your shower shoes and the press will think you’re colorful!

I am all for facebook. It is a great social networking tool to stay current with friends. But I make this plea to every girl in America: Do not include “dance like no one is watching” anywhere on your profile page. This is quite possibly the more irritating and infuriating series of words in the English language. I have never met a girl that has actually followed this mantra. I know it is a very cool and awesome quote to show how carefree and lively you are, I get it. But please, stop. We will just assume that as a 18-24 year old girl, you in fact dance as though nobody is watching you, and play by nobody’s rules but your own, because you are only young once..blah blah etc.. There. It’s over.

Every time I see Matt Garza pitch, I see Delmon Young’s fat, “chipmunk storing nuts for the winter” cheeks laughing maniacally at me. I see him taking incredibly poor routes to fly balls, for a little leaguer. I see him swinging at balls that will later become wild pitches. I see all Devil Ray’s fans thanking me emphatically for allowing such a “trade”. (I am still calling them the Devil Ray’s, just try to stop me) I see bats being thrown into umpire’s chests. I see Twins GM Bill Smith half a handle deep into Captain Morgan, staring bleakly at a picture of Delmon Young, swearing and silently sobbing to himself.

A great man named Bill Simmons recently directed me to the trailer of quite possibly the most beautifully awful movie I have ever watched, and I only watched a 2 minute condensed version of the “plot”. Please click on this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCj8sPCWfUw

Your life will be for the better, and you and your social circle can have endless fun screaming “You’re tearing me apart Lisa!”

You’ll thank me later… No, thank me now.

Women. Can't Live With'em and They Can't Pee Standing Up

Let me preface this piece by saying that I am not doing this to bring down women’s sports, but rather point out ways that they need to be improved to be on the closer to the same playing field as men.


Women’s basketball has potential to be a decent product, but is not. The problem with women’s basketball is that they try to pretend they are the same as men. They are not. It is not their fault, nature made males bigger stronger and faster. That is not the issue. The issue is that basketball was designed with men in mind, like baseball. Women’s basketball needs to create a “softball” of basketball, like baseball has. Softball (fastpitch) is mildly entertaining because it is competitive, and because nobody is thinking about how much better a guy could do it, because the sports are unique enough for comparisons to be useless.

The WNBA needs to lower the hoops, so that cool dunks are possible, nothing radical, maybe to 9 and a half feet so alley oops become a factor. They also should consider something else to make their sport unique to the NBA, maybe a 4 point line?? (Side note- this would finally give Antoine Walker what he wants this was a real interview)—

(Reporter) – “Antoine, you are shooting 25% from three this year, why do you still shoot them?”
(Antoine) – “I shoot 3’s cuz there ain’t any 4’s”

Other ideas about the gameplay itself would be one possession per team per game with a money ball, like in a 3 pt contest, that would make points double. This way, teams would not be out of games at the end as easily, and it would add extra coaching strategy. I think this would make the games watchable, for me. Imagine an 8 pointer, with these two rule changes implemented!
The above may never happen, because people deeply involved in the WNBA don’t seem to be able to fathom why nobody cares about their season, so I have a much more reasonable solution. Teams get regional priority for players from those colleges. (1 pick per year) Think about it. Imagine if Lindsay Whalen played for the Lynx after the fan base she had from her gopher playing days. People might actually care about that team. I know that the competitive balance might be shifted with this rule, but the alternative of no league at all is a worse fate in my opinion.

The WNBA has a chance to revolutionize a sport, out of pure desperation. If I was commissioner of the WNBA it would be more like a St. Paul Saints experience. The Saints know people don’t really care a whole lot about the team itself, and that it is just entertainment. –side note- best Saint Paul Saints line ever is when a foul ball leaves the stadium straight behind home plate- “dyslexic home run” gets me every time…

If you still aren’t convinced that this major overhaul needs to happen, look at this clip of a recent Elite 8 game, of the Arizona State coach attempting (I use this term very liberally here) to motivate her team. Take a look, go ahead, I’ll wait…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7PasQSgOXEQ

“You’re not so bad!” and “We just played like poop” have got to be the 2 single worst halftime speech lines ever. I’m sorry, but I can’t take a sport seriously right now that has people in the game that would dare use “poop” in an inspirational sentence, I just can’t do it. Sometimes vulgarity has its place. This may have been one of those times. It may have gotten a fire in their belly, rather than making everyone feel more awkward/nauseated/ashamed of their existence than the warden in Shawshank Redemption after Andy is discovered missing.

The WNBA has got to man up (poor choice of words?) and admit their product in inferior, and quit pretending it’s not. They are not the NBA. If they simply follow my advice they would have at least double their current fan base, guaranteed. What do they have to lose?

Carl, Sage and Zoubek.

I love the classic Vikings response to an obvious problem. Ok, we basically lost our playoff game because we have an inexperienced quarterback who wilted under the pressure. So, let’s trade for… Sage Rosenfels! Oh we definitely need a 31 year old career backup with a 30/29 TD/Int split. Yes, that is the answer. This is like applying a band-aid when we really need a tourniquet. This is like saying we need an infielder…give me Nick Punto! We need a point guard…give me Seabass Telfair! (you get the idea) What stupid thing can the Vikings do next? My guess- Bringing back, this time team-sponsored “love boats” on Lake Minnetonka.

I was in Knudson at Concordia the other day, when I saw a dedication to a room in the form of a plaque. The room was apparently donated by Carl and Carla Wall. This got me thinking, has there ever been marriage between two people with sexually ambiguous names such as Alex and Alex, or Jordan and Jordan? I would assume so due to the sheer volume of marriages there have been. Wouldn’t that be strange? Would the woman keep the last name so that they would not have the exact same name? Think about it…

I would like to continue this post with a “march madness bracket lament.”

For all of you faithful readers, or people just with too much time on your hands, you will recall I proclaimed my 7-10 game picking wizardry, and my 8-9 game downfalls. This year, I got the Oklahoma St pick right, and that alone. I was 1-7 that is correct. I’m embarrassed. Furthermore, my subjective pick of Duke all the way blew up in my face immediately. I couldn’t help it.. I love Duke so. I was up nights rationalizing how they could win, dreaming up the scenarios of their championship run. I had Coach K’s victory speech all ready to go and pictures of Jon Scheyer and Super G hugging emotionally, but heterosexually, all thought out. Hell, even maybe Zoubek dancing like Mark Madsen did in the Lakers Parade. (see link below)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpbXl5Sp-Wc

Side note- I would like to officially add Zoubek to the Mark Madsen list of “if cock blocks were a statistical category who’s fantasy draft stock would improve the most” list. – conversation with Super G-

-Henderson (shaking head) “Shit guys, its Zoubek, uhhh just play it cool, maybe he won’t see us… no he definitely sees us… shit”
- Zoubek “What’s up playas? We huntin’ some babes tonight?”
-Henderson (now shaking head more emphatically, looking around to Nolan Smith and co. for support)
“Yea totally Brian… we’ll… we’ll call you later” (scamper away frantically)
“K sweet guys, totally psyched!”

I am ashamed I picked a team to go all the way that has Brian Zoubek on its active roster… truly ashamed.

C0dE BreAkER

Nicholas Cage is really starting to wear thin on me. I could tolerate him for a brief part of his career. He is a borderline mediocre actor who has made movies of the like. But, he has type casted himself into the oddest of genres. He has decided to exclusively do movies about code breaking. I was ok with the first national treasure (mostly because of the gratuitous presidential references, but let’s not go there…I love presidents). I mean it was a nice story held together by some cheap gags, and the nerdy guy, Riley, making dry remark time after time.




Next, enter National Treasure 2. Ok a little redundant. But, you know, who am I to judge? They probably made a nice chunk of change, and hey, sequels get made all the time. I am not going to get bent out of shape over this.


But, after seeing the new trailer for the new movie Knowing I have had enough. Coppola has really outdone himself here. But wait!! I thought this article was about Nicholas Cage?!? It is. As many of you know, and some of you are about to know, he is actually the nephewof Francis Ford Coppola. He changed his name so people wouldn’t know that he really hasn’t just been riding the coattails of his uncle for his entire existence. I would like to dub this the “Drew Barrymore Complex,” where people are overrated actors because of who their relatives are/were, and would never make it on talent alone ever.
The premise of knowing is…get this… “Nicholas Cage sees a pattern/code that nobody else sees and saves us all!!” Is Hollywood even trying anymore? This is just a slap in the face. I have already seen this movie, twice. I do not need to see it again. I can only imagine that Cage/Coppola is actually going crazy in real life “Beautiful Mind” style and this is the only way that they could continue to make movies with him. In fact, he is not acting, he probably thinks that this is real life.


I can see it now. (Out to lunch with a friend)
(friend) “So I hear you are making a new movie”
(Nicky) - “Yeah I am- wait a second…Do you see that?”
“See…see what Nick, it’s just you and me here.”
“Your napkin! There is a serious of…. Numbers, greek letters, binary code…it’s no… it cannot be… It is my duty to take this challenge! I will save you cruel world!!” (sprints out of restaurant, napkin in hand, wild look in his eyes…)
(friend) “My god….” (then he vanishes)


Oh yeah did I mention he was his invisible friend?!? Snaps! Even that potentially 15 second snippet would be better than the filth that is being thrown our way right now. So please, do not see knowing, for if you do Nic Cage will decipher the code to make another code breaking movie.

Jottings that I will in no way try to encompass with a title

I have always loved the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, but it has recently come to my attention that the guy who played the principal in that movie was charged a while back with child porn charges in real life. Doesn’t this make the movie 10x better? You now have even more reason to root for Ferris. And doesn’t he just look like a pedophile? I think after watching the eerily easy to hate character he portrayed with his Ron Jeremy mustache, we all should have seen this coming…

Don’t you just love how A-Roid is having all of these problems? I know I do! I feel like he somehow deserves this for his pompous self-righteous attitude he has carried himself with his whole career. Or maybe he just parked in too many handicapped spots while laughing at poor people, I don’t know. Either way it’s nice to know he’ll be out for the year or at the very least, be in pain every time he swings. I know this sounds cold and callous, but I just realllllly hate A-Roid (this nickname is here to stay folks!)

Although I am excited for the end of the big inflatable toilet as the twins stadium, and the incoming Target Field, I can’t help thinking we are giving up around 5 wins a year in the home-field advantage we will be somewhat losing. I only hope and pray the new leadership with offset this with a more aggressive spending strategy with the new revenue Target Field should theoretically bring in, if there is any money left in the world to bring in at that time that is.

With selection Sunday so close I must announce this, look at all of my 8-9 matchups and pick the opposite. I have gone 0-8 for the last 2 years. Conversely I own the 7-10 matchup, 7-1 in the last 2 years. It is ridiculous how bipolar I am in this sense. No doubt this trend will continue this year, I will try to altruistically post my picks so you know the predestined outcome when I have filled out my bracket (I am so pumped!!)
Teams I think will go farther than you would expect:
Wake Forest, UCLA, Washington, Villinova
Teams I think will be out sooner than you would expect:
LSU, Marquette, Illinois

Edward Rooney- We should have known...

X-Men!

I raided the Wal-Mart $5 movie bin the other day. In there they had many a great old classics which I purchased, such as Big Daddy, Donnie Darko, and as you may have already guessed, X-Men. Not only were no less than 17 “mom and pop” shops run out of business by this purchase, I also had purchased a memorable film viewing in X-Men.




First of all, let me establish that if you have never sarcastically tried to pick out every flaw a movie has aloud with a friend, go rent a movie and do it immediately. It is the tops.
Let’s break down the matchup:

“Good Guys”

Professor Xavier (Can control stuff with his mind, easily the best power)
Wolverine (Badass)
Cyclops (Ok, but worthless without his little sunglasses)
Storm (An excuse to work Halle Berry into the film…I’m ok with it if you are)
Rogue (Loner that everyone wishes would go away, basically worthless)
That other chick (you can tell how much research goes into my posts…it’s because I care… You know the one that can also control stuff with her mind but not as well as Xavier)

Vs. the “Bad Guys”

Magneto (self explanatory- easily the 2nd best power)
Frog-guy (pathetic excuse for an x-man)
Mystique (a chameleon, really magneto’s only legitimate side kick)
And lastly, Sabretooth. Sabretooth is hilarious. There is a reason he is not in the sequel. Really X-Men? This is our evil super powerful villain? Everyone else has a legitimate super power. Some are lamer than others but that is neither here nor there. Sabretooth though, it’s like he’s kinda strong…I guess. I mean he’s big he has to be strong. He cannot compete against the others and their real super powers. It’s embarrassing. He is not a part of the X-Men, he is just a sort of big hairy guy. I think he actually hurts his team every time he does anything (insert standard Sebass Telfair joke here)

I think the next X-Men should feature the return of Sabretooth, where he starts his own Mutant boarding school for mutants with limited/not substantial powers. I can see it now, with his sidekick 20/10 vision boy, and maybe Meg Griffin from family guy, if anyone out there recalls the episode where she develops the power to grow her fingernails really fast. I think the Sabretooth-Meg metaphor is spot on but I feel further elaboration and comparison is for another time.

"I am a pathetic excuse for a mutant"- Sabretooth

The Superbowl

This year’s superbowl way exceeded my expectations for a variety of reasons. First of all, I had very low expectations, which is key. Secondly, there were a lot of other non-game related activities that kept my mind occupied. Let me elaborate.

I loved how Larry Fitzgerald’s dad was cut to every time he did something/was mentioned/heart beated. He always had the same stoic expression, as to remain the objective journalist for the paper nobody has ever heard of, (Side note- Bill Simmons mocked this fact until a reader confronted him and told him that it was an African-American newspaper, then he went on to not apologize or care… brilliant) Seriously, I’ve never heard of it and I’ve lived in Minnesota my whole life. (It’s called the Minnesota Spokesman-Recorder)

I also loved how I bet on the game, talking down my buddy from the actual line of Pittsburgh -7, to Pittsburgh -4.5, only to have Pittsburgh win by 4. I was playing out ridiculous going for 2/ overtime scenarios on Pittsburgh’s last drive. They were so ridiculous I dare not mention them aloud.

The best part of the superbowl however, had to be Kurt Warner……’s wife. Seriously. I made so many Kurt Warner’s wife jokes during the superbowl it wasn’t even funny anymore (yes it was). Look at these two pictures. On one side, a pseudo dyke/trucker look, and the other a superficial nip/tuck face. Yes, they are the same human being.

How do you think this conversation went down?

Kurt: “Honey, ummm now that I’m not bagging groceries, can you maybe look hot?”
Brenda: “What is that dear?”
Kurt: “It’s just that…well…all the other players have hot wives, I mean come on…we’re all rich celebrities. We can marry up in this world. And you…you look like Rosie O’Donnell’s sloppy seconds.”
Brenda: “You’re right Kurt! It’s what God would want!” (They are very religious, just thought I would work that in for good measure)

I’m putting the over/under at 50,000 for the surgery (s) (and I think the safe money’s on the over).

The best joke of the night was easily Brenda Warner/Jimmy Claussen references. Why is Kurt making out with that punk kid from Notre Dame? Shouldn’t he be mentoring him?

Oh and by the way D-Lew/other ND fans that are reading this: Nice to see the Irish snap out of there infinity bowl game losing streak against Hawaii this year. Maybe they will step it up and a bowl win on the mainland this time around. That is assuming that Charlie Weis doesn’t have to stop coaching because his ego actually went in to orbit, joining the already several snickers bars that currently succumb to his gravitational pull.

RIP Carl Pohlad

Carl Pohlad has been a very polarizing figure in recent Minnesota sports history. On the one hand, he was the owner during the 1987 and 1991 world championships, the only professional sports titles of our current franchises. On the other hand, he has been known as a rather stingy owner, despite being one of the wealthiest owners in professional sports.

I know that Minnesota is not the biggest market in professional sports, but we have very loyal fans and support our teams (when they deserve support…I’m lookin’ at you wolves)

Side note- I would like to declare to the world that I lost a bet on the wolves, when they were up by 26 in the late second quarter. The sad part was, we decided it was a completely legitimate bet at the time. They ended up losing by 7. Every Jason Terry uncontested 3 pointer from the corner was a dagger into my heart (but I digress)

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah- The twins. It will be interesting to see what the new direction of the twins will be. We still will try to develop our own talent. I am fine with that, because it is a cost-effective way to bring up young stars, and we have an excellent scouting team that seem to always find needles in a haystack. But, one thing I would like to see us do is do is make that killer move in the offseason/before the trading deadline.

If we are in contention, we can afford to move a couple of prospects maybe once every 4-5 years to try to make it all the way. I feel like we have just been one free agent splash away from being a serious contender instead of a nice story (But, we do have the assassin, R.A. Dickey aka “Bearded Jesus” to lead us to the promised land now!!).

I love knuckleballs

Banks is Back in Black Friday

More Wild Times in the Life of the Infamous Mr. Banks:

Mr. Banks was an ordinary man, nothing more, nothing less. It was 5 o’clock, and he was up, no surprises. But, today he had not arisen to pacify his boss, Mr. Brooks. Today, he was up for a far more sinister task indeed. His stomach still ached from overuse, and he had seen more of his wife’s lovely family than he cared to see.

They had a way of being too nice, too caring. He always felt like such a jerk by comparison. Dave, her brother, told us of the hospital he was building in Nigeria. He talked with his hands, too much so, Banks recalled. It was as though he were pitching the hospital on an infomercial. As ridiculous African-hospital infomercial catch phrases ran through his head, he recalled that was up to do his wife’s bidding once more, namely to catch the bargains only the day after Thanksgiving had to offer.

He shaved, out of habit, not even realizing the act in his early morning trance. “God save me, this is going to be a rough day,” Banks grumbled to himself as his old floorboards moaned beneath him. Not completely dry from his rather hasty shower, he glared at his wife’s sleeping body, still not fully knowing how he had been conned in to this ridiculous task.

He carefully avoided the minefield of toys his daughters had thoughtfully left for him as he made his way out to his car. It was a hybrid, of course, the Mrs. had just picked up; saving the world. Banks hated the wretched thing. It’s artificial whine was cumbersome, but the worst was the conversations that ensued with complete strangers. He did not want their thanks for his selfless act. He did not want to share how he obtained it. He missed his old sedan. Sure, it was nothing flashy, but damn it did it purr.

When he arrived at the mall, people were already jockeying for position. It was embarrassing. A fat man in a tattered ACDC shirt near the front seemed to be doing a fantastic job of fending people off though. He had his wheaties today, maybe even the guy on the box, Banks chuckled. He did not understand the mob mentality this day created. People so anxious to throw their money away on gifts they don’t need for a holiday they don’t understand.
What did that make him? He was here. I guess it made him a guy that did not want to be hassled, Banks reasoned. His wife seemed to have a way with words that managed to both defy logic, but be incredibly persuasive and irrefutable.

After the caged beasts were released as the bell struck six, Banks sauntered towards the toy department, where he carefully plucked his pre-meditated selections off the shelves. He strolled around the store, invincible to the panic around him, and made his way out after he had paid.
He walked past an old man getting out of his handicap space. He appeared to be in good health. Was being old a handicap? Had he simply earned that spot through his longevity? Banks brainstormed ways to obtain a handicap permit as he entered his hybrid, and headed home, hopefully, for some much needed rest.

Thoughts from a Chaotic Mind

I am convinced that chapstick’s business model is predicated entirely upon consumer carelessness. Has anyone actually ever ran out of chapstick? They are making untold sums of money because their chapstick is so obnoxiously easy to lose.

Does anyone feel childish when saying the Lord’s Prayer in church? Why must it end in “forever and ever” I must say I prefer the “now and forever” ending tenfold. Really? We are going with forever and ever? Are we going to watch sesame street after the prayer too?

Why did the twins re-sign Nick Punto? Why???? Here is a career .250 hitter, with a 1.82/1 strikeout to walk ratio. Not only that, but he has 140 career RBI’s…Career! I am so upset I have to watch 2 more years of head-first dives into first I might cry.

So…who’s going to be the villain for the next Batman movie? Harvey Dent is dead, Heath Ledger is dead, and his performance as Joker is going to be impossible to follow. It cannot be said enough how awesome he was. Such a far cry from his usual work, he was the best villain in any movie, ever.

The cartoon “Ballard Street” is not funny. Every cartoon is a slap in the face to my intellect, and to every person that is exposed to this on a weekly basis in the Star Trib’s variety section. I think Jerry Van Amerongen kind of wants to be a cross between F Minus and The Far Side, but is a swing and a miss at every level. Please stop making cartoons Jerry. Please stop.

What?